Wilford "God" Brimley
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Best known throughout most of his life as a character actor, Wilford A. Brimley has gained new prominence in the last decade upon the revelation that he is the Lord God Almighty, King of the Earth and Ruler of Heaven.\
“Beetus beetus, diabeetus”
According to God, he was surprised to learn this along with the rest of man on May 3, 1995. Thus sayeth the Lord:
"I wake up one morning and I go to get some oatmeal and check my blood sugar (Call Liberty), and there it is on the news; I am God. Judith [earthly wife of Jehovah] didn't know what to make of it either. One word out of Wolf Blitzer's mouth and she's on her knees begging for forgiveness for cheating on me back when I was in the hospital in '82 for that bypass. I wish to Me none of this had ever happened."
That was the first and only statement He made on the subject. Since then, God has been preoccupied with maintaining his TV acting career and role as diabeetis awareness spokesman while being Maker and Ruler of all Existence throughout Eternity.
This is living proof that God does exist amongst man, and that he loves us very much. Now eat your oatmeal and say your prayers, you never know when Brimley is watching.
edit Major Miracles and/or Acting Roles
- Burning Bush
- Pillar of Fire
- Pillar of Fire II: The Search for Spock -- "Admiral Witherspoon"
- The Withered Fig Tree
- Lot's Wife Turned Into Pillar of Oatmeal
- Steve Guttenberg Appears in Non-Police Academy Sequel
- God's House -- "Jesus' Uncle Gus"
- The Great Flood
- Burning Gas Pump
edit Those Whom Blessed Be
- Ernest Borgnine
- Ronald Reagan
- Grandpa Munster
- 1986 Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera
- The Waltons
- The Kids, Dern the Rascals
- Poor In Spirit
- Rejuvenating Aliens
- Fred Phelps (Brimley is the one person Phelps doesn't hate.)
- Liberty Medical
- Patrick Stewart
edit Those Condemned to the Pit
- Aaron Spelling
- Dave Thomas
- Bill Clinton
- Ashton Kutcher
- Paul Rodriguez
- Jimmy Fallon
- Pee Wee Herman
- Oscar Wilde
- Jeff Bezos
- Glenn Quagmire
- Dennis Kucinich
- Chris Kirkpatrick
- Vin Diesel (The only person stronger than god himself)
- Leprachauns (They're annoying in real life)
- Uriel Septim XIII
- Jay Cutler
- Barack Obama
- Pluto (Gods most hated planet)
- Napoleon Dynamite
edit Public Reaction
Though many confess the news of Brimley's godhood gave them a "knew it all along" moment, God was suddenly inundated with requests for the salvation of man (as well as more personal favors) from around the world. Through a press conference where He was represented by His attorney, God said the following:
"All men, women and children the world over should have faith in their Lord, that He will do what is best for each of them and for all of man."
When pressed if these were truly God's exact words, the attorney put his hand into his coat, and upon pulling it out it withered as a corpse. There were no further questions from the media.
edit The Holy Document
The Holy document is shown below. Meditate and articulate on its wisdom. Let the sweet words absorb into your soul and every fiber of your being:
I'm Wilford Brimley and I'd like to talk to you for a few minutes about diabeetus. Actually about diabeetus, and how it's affected me in my life.
I'll start when I was first diagnosed. I was scared to death. I was experiencing symptoms that were strange and unfamiliar to me. For instance, I had an unquenchable thirst. My tongue felt like a horseshoe rasp. I was loosin' my vision. I was loosin' my energy. I was gettin' up every 15 or 20 minutes all through the night, so I wasn't gettin' any rest. And, as a result of all these things, I lost all my energy. And I was scared. A man doesn't like to admit that he was scared, but I truly was. I wasn't afraid to die. I knew that was comin' to all of us. But, what I was afraid of was that I might have to live a long time feelin' like a felt. And I really wasn't interested in that. So finally at the urging of my family, the ones who love me the most, I went to see a doctor. And he explained things to me in a language that I understood. And I think the most important thing he said to me was "Wilford, if you want to get better, I'm gonna give you a few things to do, and, the more attention you pay to these things, and the more diligent you are, the faster you'll get better, and the better you will feel." And ladies and gentlemen that's exactly the way it's been. Through the years, the closer I've paid attention to the instructions of my doctor, the better I feel. Now I'm not perfect, and I've slipped up, and I've eaten ice cream and apple pie and I've done things I shouldn't do. But I want to tell you, when I don't eat apple pie and I don't eat ice cream and I eat the foods that I'm supposed to eat, and I do my exercises, and I take my medicine, and I do the procedures that I was instructed to do, I do feel better. I would encourage all of you, to find a doctor that you trust and understand.
I'm not doin' it without help. I'm surrounded by people who love me, who care for me. And who want me to feel better. Now, one of the things I've learned to do, is laugh at myself. Kind of loosen up. Kind of relax about the whole thing. You know, having Type Two Adult-onset diabeetus is not the worst thing in the world. You know, people do learn to live this. And along the trail, you'll find some things that you ought to be laughing at. So I would encourage you, loosen up. There's a line in a song, "Forget your troubles, come on, get happy. Laugh all your cares away." You know, it's not a bad idea once in a while.
I guess at this point I want to tell you about an affiliation that I've formed along the way. Along my path of recovery if you will. I was very, very fortunate to be engaged by a company - Liberty Medical - and myself and my best friend and partner - Dick Richards - have over the years been able to help produce commercials, or ads, or endorsements, whatever the name you want to give them. And in doing so, we've put out some information that's invaluable to diabetics. Liberty Medical is a company that's staffed with people that are willing to talk to you about your situation. That are willing to help you in your dilemma, and it is a dilemma, ladies and gentlemen. When you're first diagnosed you'll have a myriad of questions. And what we will do, is, help you, find solutions to these problems, answers to these questions. I like to say we will help you go where we have been. And, in doing so, you'll find that life has some wonderful things to offer you. There are so many new ways for you to treat your diabeetus. There are more people qualified today to help you and give you accurate and valid information than there were 30 years ago the comparison is unreal.
In closing I would simply like to say to you: do the best you can with what you've got, and be thankful that you're in no worse shape than you are. And if you'll obey these simple rules and do these simple things I'll promise you, you'll feel better. See if I'm not right. Thanks for your time. Have a good day."