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“I think you mean Wilde West, I sure do!”
“Westerns go well with soy sauce.”
The Wild West, named after Oscar Wilde, is a fictional location and historical period invented by the late Buffalo Bill in the early 1960s to win a bet with the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Exact details are sketchy, however it is generally accepted that the denizens of this mythical world dressed in dirty Turkish rugs and had silly hats.
The Wild West is a land consisting of three primary sections: The Rocky Desert, The Sandy Desert and Them Thar Hills. The sections are all located West of the Mississippi River and are commonly known today as the "flyover states". These inhospitable lands are home to only one form of native flora: the dangerous and highly territorial Tumbleweed. As for fauna, the lands are currently inhabited by Native Americans drunk on fire water, and white Anglo-Americans who live in trailer parks.
23BC- Injuns are created in the fires of Mount Doom by Sauron.
01AD- Injuns fight Mormons in the Battle of Five Armies and are victorious.
1812- Injuns encounter white men. Traded beads for turkey meat, then threw the beads in the white men's eyes and stole the turkey.
1823- White men introduce Injuns to the sport of scalping.
1871- Eastwood killed in a freak train accident. Kingdom of Wild West declared independent with Huckleberry Finn as Prime Minister.
1876- Battle of Little Big Bird.
1960s- With interest waning on the eve of the hip and mod generations, Wild Wild West (beta name: Wild West v.2) is introduced featuring buff and hunky men who live together on a private train car (no women allowed) being tired up and tortured while shirtless.
1970s- Western genre becomes unpopular and the Kingdom of Wild West implodes, killing millions.
1990- Back to the Future III is released. Baby Jesus cries.
- Cowboys: Freakishly hideous mutants, Cowboys are horned monsters most likely descended from Minotaur who migrated to the Wild West to escape persecution in Zeus' Greece.
- Bounty Hunters: These people hunt the wild bounties. Originally this was portrayed as an adventurous life, but in truth it was a cruel blood sport. It ended when bounties became extinct.
- Injuns: Commonly believed to be a parody and racial slur on Native Americans, the Injuns of the Wild West actually predate the invention of Native Americans. They are a wise race of pointy-eared creatures who use bows to fight and grew feathers on their heads. They were all named either Tonto or Sitting Bull, the only exception being the almost godlike chief Sitting Tonto.
- Bandits: Bandits were a race of greasy people who hailed from the mythical land of Mexico. They were related to the troll and universally hated. Some common traits included an odour of guacamole and speaking in a language of nonsense words like señor and donkey. Their diet consisted of corn chips.
- Whores: The only women in the Wild West, these people have sex for money and live in "cat-houses." However, unlike prostitutes East of the Mississippi River, all whores in the Wild West have hearts of gold. Either that, or they end up disfigured and killed by bandits. Somehow, despite a total lack of modern birth control, whores in the Wild West never have children as a result of their unsavory occupation.
All recreational activity in the Wild West was fun and family friendly. Bloodbaths and gunfights were common and many forms of gambling and drinking were popular. Some much-loved things of the time include:
- Malt Whiskey
- Texas Hold 'em Poker
- Strip Poker
- Whiskey Poker
- Strip Whiskey
Some common themes of Westerns are the shooting of Injuns with Henry Ford’s patented M60 revolving pistol and the Civil War (a non-existent conflict). Other themes include dust storms, tornadoes, cactus collisions, being eaten by Sand People, Prarie Dog pack mutilations, gay cowboy love, and cattle drives.
A Spaghetti Western is quite literally a Western made out of spaghetti. The Wild West was very popular with Italians and many devoted their lives to recreating it in the real world. Spaghetti is simply the most abundant and structurally sound material Italians have access to. Sergio Leone is considered the greatest Spaghetti Western architect of all time and thus was canonised three times in his life by fellow famous Italian the Pope.
Some believe that the Wild West really existed and that it could be accessed by interdimensional travel. The Will Smith film Wild Wild West explores this further. Hilarity ensues, and then you realise you have wasted 2 hours of your life that you will never get back and cry.
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