From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Homo vulgaris |
|Primary armament||Nonsense cannon|
|Secondary armament||Page-move devastator|
|Special attack||Super Communist Marmot Attack on Wheels|
The Wikipedia vandal is a creature that roams Wikiland and Wikipedia. Though its name sounds like it is related to the Uncyclopedia Vandal, it is in fact more related to the Grue, Oscar Wilde, and Yo Momma.
The Vandal had their origin when they evolved from the dinosaurs. Although this theory has been widely contested, it is clear that Vandals have a "bird brain," and as birds evolved from dinosaurs, we can safely assume that this is the case with Vandals. In any case, Colin Mochrie under the guise of God bestowed upon them semi-devestating attacks, which coupled by an extremely rapid breeding rate and sheer dumb luck, allowed them to come out of their herbivorous roots.
Vandals are invisible, but lose this invisibility where they are feeding (now termed "vandalizing"), attacking, or possessing other Wikipedians.
Although their ancestors were plant eaters, Vandals are known to subsist on Wikipedia articles. They are also blood suckers, and if under dire constraints, will attempt to feed on Wikipedians. As a result, weapons such as the block, deletion, Twinkle, and popups have been developed, all of which satisfactorily repel the vandal. Vandals are considered as pests, and a massive eradication campaign has been called for. The Vandal has the ability to possess other people, and in the past numerous exorcisms have resulted in bloody deaths.
Vandals generally reproduce by binary fission, but may also do so by masturbation, mitosis, intercourse, meiosis, releasing spores, or doing other lewd sexual acts.
Although Vandals eat, reproduce, and store information, they are doubted to actually be living because they have no heart, and even less of a brain. They are an evolutionary step above the virus, but are still inferior to bacteria. As a result, they are listed as a prime example of entropy and devolution.
Many pains have been taken to classify the different types of Vandals, and most have been catagorized, but there are still more to discover. Here are some classifications:
- Babblers (Homo vulgaris gibberishshshshshshsh) are a subspecies of Vandal that cannot speak coherently. Their vandalism consists of catch phrases like "qweruytoyiuqyrwitasgk" or "asdfghjkjhgaweiu19347," and are only intelligible among their own.
- Curious Georges (Homo vulgaris inquisitus) are a subspecies of Vandal that are very curious to see how things work. They are very naive, and seek to know how Wiki-things work. They are the least harmful, and may be purified. Examples include "TESTING TESTING" or "Does this really work?"
- Critics (Homo vulgaris annoyingus) are another subspecies that have sharp, polarized opinions of things. Examples include "Yo mom is an ugly white B#$^@" and "Jar Jar Binks should suck my penis." Enough said.
- Macrophalli (Homo vulgaris whoathatsaBIGcock) are a subspecies characterized by their lengthy, unproportional penis. Unfortunately, this equipment makes them very slow and cumbersome. It has the ability to regenerate, as St. Jimbo found in an attempt to castrate one.
- Friends(Homo vulgaris queer) are another subspecies, and are wide ranging. They often vandalize about their friends, who are one or more of the following: gay, lesbian, bisexual, queer, , black, fat, poor, deformed or otherwise ugly, promiscuous, mentally retarded, Citizendium or Uncyclopedia editors, people with small penises, losers, nerds, geeks, peoples with no life, savants, female dogs, and donkeys. It is notable that this subspecies is exclusively white, heterosexual, smart, and none of the list above. They never vandalize about themselves being the following.
- Celeb stalkers (Homo vulgaris stalkus) are a subspecies who claim to have seen celebrity do odd/queer acts. They may hide in bedroom closets, or even attempt to molest the celebrity themselves.
- Aspirers (Homo vulgaris aspirus) are a subspecies who want to be famous, but because of some handicap, can't. They have no life and are considered to be nonliving.
- Cheerleader-types (Homo vulgaris pompomus) are a cross between Friends and Aspirers, these are people who want their friends to be famous, usually co-workers or fellow members of a team like a cheerleading squad or a football team. These organisms think that people actually care about whatever pathetic organizations they are part of when, in reality, people don't give a shit.
- Threateners (Homo vulgaris insevendays) are a subspecies who threaten articles or Wikipedians with death or legal threats. The latter is usually the more dangerous, as lawyers are considered to be even more deadly than the Vandals themselves.
- Decorators (Homo vulgaris prettyus) add things to articles that they think are cute, like "&hearts," "hi!," or smile emojis. They are closely related to Babblers, Curious Georges, and Cheerleaders.
- Spammers (Homo vulgaris hormelus) are a special species that feed off of dollar signs. Businesses, organizations, and individuals use this species' food source to get it to vandalize articles in a way that makes the business, organization, or individual look good.