|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
21 October 2012
Foxconn Estates, China -- Shigeru Miyamoto visited FoxConn last night, via private jet, showing great charisma as he tackled the problem of poor work conditions and the chubby Chinese child work force. Just shortly after arriving, he was greeted by a happy looking Mario. Not the actual Mario, but the boss of the Nintendo section of the manufacturing plant. In a board room of about seven people, Nintendo's future with FoxConn was to be negotiated.
"Likewise to you Sam, now let's talk business."
After a few slides, about 20 minutes talk, and a hot cup of coffee, the meeting ended and a slightly disturbed Miyamoto approached the door with a rigid posture, as if to say he should keep his mouth shut. This is nothing new in China, as the mob rules over there. But just what did go on really? Fox news editor Bobby May, takes a look into this in great detail, with behind the scenes info.
FoxConn's plan was obviously to divert the attention away from the real issues, such as child labor, and instead, focus on Nintendo's problemos.
As part of the talk, Foxconn cleverly gripped Nintendo with rumors of law suits by companies such as Silicon Knights, Sony, and rich families with enough cash to start up legal proceedings. FoxConn knew that it could negotiate an ultimate partnership with Nintendo, but needed to use some shock tactics. It isn't known the exact truth of what was said, but nonetheless these possible lawsuits were rumored.
Rumor has it, that Sony is planning on sueing Nintendo for copyright infringement of the 1st degree. Some time in August 2012, it was revealed that Sony was developing a game. This game is called Battle Royale, and it bears resemblance to Super Smash Bros. According to Sony's lawyer, a court case is well overdue. Nintendo obviously copied off Sony's plans long before Sony had the guts to make their game, and now ordinary people think it is the other way around.
"They couldn't be more wrong," Says God Of War producer and head chef, Steve Caterson. He goes on to say: "Nintendo copied off Sony long, long, ago. It was a dark dark day for us. I don't want to think about it, but basically they hacked into our mainframe and stole character information, design documents... etc. They even kidnapped our IRC chat bot. It was a great shock to all of us."
By now we all know that Nintendo are notorious for using spy equipment, viruses, hacker hires, and employing technologies designed to monitor the opposition. But we have to ask ourselves: is it true what Nintendo claims - that any surveillance is used for journalistic purposes only? While it isn't strictly forbidden for Nintendo to bring hidden cameras into the FoxConn conference, it was still unbenknownst to the FoxConn staff. This will still count as a violation. If a law suit comes out of this, that makes several lawsuits.
But what are the other lawsuits?
A long time ago, When companies such as Factor 5 and Silicon Knights worked with Nintendo, a legendary game was in development: Eternal Darkness. Rumors have now surfaced that the fallen company, Silicon Knights, questions Nintendo's motives.
"It was a long dark twisty road, developing for the Gamecube", says Silicon Knights president Denis Dyack. "We were working 14 hour shifts some days, with few rests inbetween. A tired studio is one thing, but a misinformed studio is a greater crime. Yes it is true that it is a popular franchise, but we didn't even know Resident Evil existed! Nintendo basically told us to copy off the game, without us knowing it existed. They choice picked employees based on a questionaire asking for details about games we've played on the ps1, with the word "Evil" in the title. We were baffled as to what this could mean, but now we know it was foul play, all an excuse for us to create a resident Evil clone. We are currently trying to recoup funds in a law suit that I hope the judges will sympathise with, and once we win enough money, we can develop our own gaming system."
FoxConn are more than ready to manufacture a Silicon Knights console, they warn. And next:
It is common place that children are injured by wii remote foul play, but statistics show rich families are worse affected and require huge compensation in comparison to the poor.
Sindy Butcher, resident of a private estate in location unknown (she wishes to retain her privacy) describes her Wii disaster: "My son was swinging the remote back and forth, back and forth, until he got dizzy. I didn't think anything of it, but really, I should have known better. These Nintendo consoles have become a real nuisance now. It was very distressing for us to see our best Vase broken, one that costs $10'000'000. So who will pay for this? Nintendo of course, why should we have to foot the bill? Time to put our foot down."
Many people think she has a point. Why should any rich person who has earned themselves a precious vase like that, have to pay up because Mario was tossed around in the living room? A trend is starting to set among the upper class, where parents tell children bedtime stories about Evil Mario, and Luigi's ghost mansion. This is sure to destroy Nintendo fans for life. Make way for Sony.
Foxconn recommended an entirely new manufacturing process with greater quality testing to resolve issues with upper class customers. On top of that, additional legal support and high priority for Nintendo products above Microsoft and Sony, which is sure to bring about success. Also, a guarantee not to support Silicon Knights' manufacturing desires, was guaranteed.
That wasn't all that the manufacturing giant had to say. More problems were on their way.
After the first offer to resolve legal issues, FoxConn proceeded with another trump card: the name of the system itself. Shigeru Miyamoto was obviously hoping that noone would talk about the Wii U's name, but they did. Here is what was said:
"America thinks the Wii U would be better off named as the WII US (of A). Wii U is suggestive of collective communism so Americans would be better off with something patriotic." Many suggestions from important people or countries, have appeared for the Wii U.
These are the ones which have received the biggest debate:
- France: Oui Tu OR Moi Tu. (We (yes) too, me too).
- George Lucas: R2D2.
- Sony: F U."
When asked for a solution, Sam Tramiel was strained to give an answer: Shigeru Miyamoto asked impatiently: "Well, what has the name of the system got to do with the manufacturing process?"
Sam Tramiel responded: "Our marketing team can help you, we get ours cheap. It's an obvious solution. We have a new development starting in the factories, and it involves a cerebral production line, unlike any production line we've had before. All the workers are connected to the neural net, and voila, you have new, wonderous ideas. But, and this is a big but, we will only offer this to our dearest of partners."
Nintendo was shown a slideshow of worker conditions and the horrors of FoxConn. If Nintendo would agree to accept this, they could become dear partners.
Fat school kids are offered a break from their education (because there is no room in school for them), in return for bed and breakfast accomodation at the front line of Nintendo production. The takeaway of each dorm serves food that keeps the children fat and happy, but also totally obedient. "This is a clever scheme," says Sam Tramiel, "because this means the kids will never ever go back to school! Haha. They'll be lazy and stuck on fast food for the rest of their lives!"... "Only problem is there isn't enough food to go round for everyone, so the fat kid becomes territorial."
Shocking worker conditions. However, there is a great pride attached to battling with the machinery. It has become a matter of honor for the well trained. (Pictured: syringe assembly line.)
Worker Conditions hall of fame
- Bruce Lee
- Jacky Chan
- Chun Li
- Dalai Lama (Killed in an accident where he tried to persuade a factory robot "peace, not war.")
- Liu Xiang (Given this name after being whacked over the head with a robot arm Crash, Bang, Xiang!) Was a great athlete, and so was fit enough to work long hours at the factory.
Nintendo called off the meeting early in disgust to it. The excuse given was that Shigeru needed the toilet, and this is a problem when there are no toilets in the factory anywhere. It was not the final decision at that point, until a dejected Mario was seen down the dimly lit corridoors exclaiming "Mamma mia" and "It's a me Mario, Hell Hole!"
Shocked and confused, Nintendo terminated all contracts with Foxconn and now, after all the troubles facing Nintendo, they just do not know if they can muster up the courage to bring back another Wii, with the law suits, a now enemy FoxConn, and name disputes. It looks like it is all over for Nintendo, for now. But Nintendo are full of surprises; never underestimate Nintendo.
|Wii U on indefinite hold was an article written for the Noob only writing competition 2012!|
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