Wife

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“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. ”
~ Socrates on Wives
“Wife not part of furniture, until screwed on bed.”
~ Confucious on Wives
“Her will is done, but evil she doth sow,
bless all free men resist the snare-- marr'age,
chain to hold men captive eternally.”
~ Shakespeare on Wives
“ Marriage sucks.”
~ Captain Obvious on marriage
“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”
~ Oscar Wilde on wives

Wife, n. A woman with a will to dominate all life with her power. Even the Lord of the Rings has a wife in it. She's called Sauron and has a ring. Supreme overlord of mankind, the wife (also W.I.F.E. meaning "Wireless Interface Fun Eradicator," or "Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc" or "Why I Fuckin Engaged?") maintains an iron grip over the average family, thought to be controlled through the husband. First discovered by Al Bundy, his efforts to rid the world of their existence was long dismissed as a conspiracy. While many have tried to escape, the husbands are usually forced back into the marriage by a variety of intimidating but legal tactics including (but not restricted to) guilt trips, sex deprivation, castration and arsenic poisoning. The few who do escape are forced into abject poverty by a barbaric slow torture (alimony) and child support payments for essentials such as 60-foot yachts, space tourism and apartments on the Champs Elysee. Wives employ professional coaches (lawyers) who teach them these tactics starting at (approximately) age three.

edit Fun Facts

  • Husbands are better than wives
  • A wife provides an excellent benchmark for determining what a crazy person is.
  • A wife, provided she is deployed correctly, provides an excellent bench.
  • Officially classified as an annoying breed of dog, usually belonging to Afghanistan.
  • If your wife has three kids, only one of them is yours.
  • You don't have a wallet anymore - at least a wallet with money in it.
  • A wife is worse than a Proton Wira/Poodle ; no matter how much money you pour into it (her), it (she) will still look like shit. You should have been born blind, or married something that didn't resemble a jar of hairy mayonnaise.
  • Oscar Wilde had a butt-buddy instead of a wife.
  • The longest sentence in the English language is "I do".
  • A wifes main habitat is the kitchen.
  • Wifes are lovely roasted with chicken or in a stiry fry.
  • Wifes will always win every fight, no matter how hard you try, even if you're right, even if you told her that 2+2=4 and she says no it equals 5..you will still lose....thats why you just stay quiet let her talk and hope she gets tired....if she doesn't, give her the car to go buy something...it'll take her another 24 hours to come back to you, enough time to rest and recover.
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