Wife

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“Wife not part of furniture, until screwed on bed.”

~ Confucious on Wives

“Her will is done, but evil she doth sow,
bless all free men resist the snare-- marr'age,
chain to hold men captive eternally.”

~ Shakespeare on Wives

“ I don't know who Shakespeare is or what that means but fuck that marriage shit.”

~ College student on marriage

“ Marriage sucks.”

~ Captain Obvious on marriage

“Shut up bitch! *slaps* God don't care if I have a whore over fer supper”

~ Redneck on his bitch wife

“Never had one, i'm not missing out.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Wives

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Wife, n. A woman with a will to dominate all life with her power. Even the Lord of the Rings has a wife in it. She's called Sauron and has a ring. Supreme overlord of mankind, the wife (also W.I.F.E. meaning "Wireless Interface Fun Eradicator," or "Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc" or "Why I Fuckin Engaged?") maintains an iron grip over the average family, thought to be controlled through the husband. First discovered by Al Bundy, his efforts to rid the world of their existence was long dismissed as a conspiracy. While many have tried to escape, the husbands are usually forced back into the marriage by a variety of intimidating but legal tactics including (but not restricted to) guilt trips, sex deprivation, castration and arsenic poisoning. The few who do escape are forced into abject poverty by a barbaric slow torture (alimony) and child support payments for essentials such as 60-foot yachts, space tourism and apartments on the Champs Elysee. Wives employ professional coaches (lawyers) who teach them these tactics starting at (approximately) age three.

[edit] Fun Facts

• Husbands are better than wives
• A wife provides an excellent benchmark for determining what a crazy person is.
• A wife, provided she is deployed correctly, provides an excellent bench.
• Officially classified as an annoying breed of dog, usually belonging to Afghanistan.
• If your wife has three kids, only one of them is yours.
• You don't have a wallet anymore - at least a wallet with money in it.
• A wife is worse than a Proton Wira/Poodle ; no matter how much money you pour into it (her), it (she) will still look like shit. You should have been born blind, or married something that didn't resemble a jar of hairy mayonnaise.
• Oscar Wilde had a butt-buddy instead of a wife.
• The longest sentence in the English language is "I do".
• In Soviet Russia, Wife beats YOU!!!
• Then again, they beat us in America.