Wicklow (County)

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“They look friendly!”
~ St. Patrick on Wicklow people
“Ah Wicklow, The asshole of Dublin”
~ Bertie Ahern on Wicklow

County Wicklow (Contae Úick Ló in Irish) is a county off the west coast of Wales, immediately south of Dublin. Area: 2,024 km² (781 square miles). Population 46 billion, (Including sheep, cows, pigs and farmers), 10 of which are people. The county is considered by some as part of the "Greater Dublin Area", which means that it plays host to all of Dublins legal and illegal landfill waste. Wicklow's newest landfill site, 'Blessington resivior', also supplies most of Dublin's drinking water. Wicklow, often known as "The Garden of Ireland" by the type of people who don’t own a lawnmower, is regarded as being very beautiful (especially by terrorists) with its many gently sloping lakes and silly hills. County Wicklow is sometimes known as 'the last county' because of its spectacular under achievements in all national sporting events and because it turned up late and drunk at the county naming cermony in 1606. County Wicklow is home to more Wicklow people than anywhere else on earth. Wicklow is also called the asshole of Dublin because it is.

edit Greater Dublin..!?

Despite attempts to give itself a name, Wicklow finds itself still located in the Greater Dublin area, meaning it's fucked as far as establishment is concerned...which it isn't, just so ya know. The Greater Dublin area actually extends as far as Delhi, Greenland and Cork, being largely a symbolic area and not really that great. Although it is possible that the saying has descended from the ancient saying : Wicklow. The better Dublin.

edit The accent

Generally people in Wicklow have some sort of grass-filled Dublin accent. The letter T is pronounced "ay" when saying the letter and when used in a word is pronounced "_". The same applies for D. Say a word like "imitating" is pronounced "imih-ay-in" or the word "Devoid" is pronounced "-ee-voi-". Also everybody in Wicklow is to be referred to as "Ben!", and this is believed to be the source for the word "benny" which is kind of like "dope" in that it has multiple meanings like... "you're a right benny arent ya" or... "have ya got any benny on ya man" and "did ya get yer hole off her? Benny!" (as in fair play to ya not the name "Benny").

edit Economy

Wicklow's greatest import is rain, which it gets from a large grey area known to tax officials as "the sky". It's most popular export is lasagna, which is carried in the stomachs of tourists all around the world before being gathered and solidified into something under the ground that is not worth the mention.

Wicklow's mountains are popular with writers and terrorists, both of whom go there to dig holes in the peat bogs and hide stuff.

Wicklow County Council recently approved a €40 billion plan to provide Wicklow with its first refuse collection service, however this plan was soon scrapped when the one County Councilor who could read pointed out that Wicklow did not have a €40 billion budget and this led to the compromise approval of spending €452.65 on printing leaflets advising Wicklow residents to do what the have always done with their refuse, either dump it in the nearest nature reserve or consume it in some sort of rudimentary stew.

edit Wickla moun'uns

"Der dese bleedin' hoo-ug moun'uns dat like divoi da countee en shit so loik", is a popular children's verse by Wicklow poet Shane MacLonetik, from his book "Yer man over there is fiddling his trousers off".

edit Major Towns/Villages

  • Bray - The largest town in county Wicklow, there are more people living there than in the rest of Ireland combined. The seafront hosts a popular series of gaming machines, brothels, opium dens and a slave market.In the summer months along the sea front, children can often be seen riding mechanical animals equipped with plasma weapons while adults enjoy gambling, boozing or simply being on the nod. Avoid and take with great caution at outskirts.
“They've had it too goo for too long.”
~ De Bigg Bertie former mayor of Bray, now disgraced politician on Dem posh fuckers to the south.
  • Greystones - Protestants? Yes please. Home to Fat people, Posh cunts, Muggers, Larrys and retards. Rougher than Bray, Newcastle, Kilcoole and God preserve us! Newtown mommy is this ok for us to do? MountKennedy. Popular sports include Baseball, Thinking the town is great, gaystoning and swimming. The Gary (see NewtownMountKennedy bellow) has also been known to venture out into Greystones. However, feasting only on the elderly and the ignorant, he is often considered a welcome guest.

Wez the sock full 'o' pennies killer or his modern name the cent killer (this new name is responsible for him being banned from any 50 cent concerts) also dwells within Greystones and spends his nights preying on the innocent elderly folk who wander out of their old folks homes to take a piss in the hedge. Wez also got hired by an anonymous group of squirrels to hunt down and kill the Gary trenchcoat monster for eating their acorns. also in later news wez takes it up the pisshole.

Only traces of Wez's remains were discovered at Greystones harbour in an almost "Predator" style upside down fashion. Since this incident the Gary has been seen paying for various goods and services with a significant amount of pennies.

  • Wicklow Town (Cill Mhantáin in Irish) Pop. of 5 (people 3- pirates 2) (Census 2006 preliminary report)- The county capitol, it is twinned with Rivendell in Middle Earth. Wicklow is famous for its rejection of Christianity by the stoning of St. Mhantain upon his arrival there, though once identified as not a Norman invader the locals of wicklow appoligsied to this now toothless saint by nameing the town after him. (the literal translation of the Irish name is 'church of the toothless) Stoning tourists till their teeth fall out is still a popular tradition in the town as is the stoning of adulterous wives. Wicklow town hosts the Golly Fishing Olympics annually, which draws competitors from as far away as the town. The ‘Feile ar na Golliger’ (Feast of the Golly) is traditionally held the next day and is celebrated by the eating of gollyburgers and the swilling of beer. Wicklow town has become a place of pilgramage for both Christians and Pastafarians since 2007 when a Mr Gippy O’Byrne saw the face of Jebus in a bucket of worms although Pastafarians have claimed that it is the face of their noodly master the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Wicklow Town is the worlds largest producer of ‘Pay as you go’ mobile phone credit. It is also famous for its spots of beauty such as "The Lakes", "The Pavilion" and "the Brownie House" (Mysteriously burned to the ground in 1967 by Godzilla). These areas are most popular on a Friday or Saturday night.
  • Kilcoole - It might as well be a giant house filled with scumbags! Much of the east of Kilcoole was washed away in the early 2000s, only to wash up on the coast of Wales days later.
  • NewtownMountKennedy - A festering sore on what is an already spoilt landscape. Where everyone his know as 'BEN'. Home to the famous Sentra with a 'S'. Once thought to have the longest name in Ireland. The worst thing is, it's not new or a town. Also, it's nowhere near anywhere called Mount Kennedy.( its part a the flupperin mount kennedy estate ya plank! Home to the Inbreeders Of Ireland Inclusionary Incest Is Fun Society. A typical person from newtown can be spotted in the local secondary school in greystones, trying to keep up with those of poor intelligence. Can be distinguished by a low jutting forehead and a guttural means of communicating. A large disgusting monster by the name of Gary who is seen clothed in a airport hanger sized trenchcoat is known to roam those there parts. Locally referred to as Little Beirut.
  • Roundwood - Roundwood is often referred to as a sandwich, as most of it's contents are "in-bread". Enjoy a drink in one of the many pubs - just watch out for sheep pimps.
  • Arklow - The raw sewage capital of Ireland and a strictly off limits area. Popular with Chinese Triad members. Stole it's name from Wicklow or other way around who knows. Third biggest town, but people fail to care as it's a crap achievement anyway. It's got its share in cows. Also exports Tinkers and rocks. Has a wide population of farmers living on the coolgreany some of which are named 'Tubby'. A nuclear power plant existed here run by Irish Nuclear Industries (INI), although this mysteriously vanished a few years ago, leading to the instigation of an international investigation as to its whereabouts. One source claims that it briefly appeared in the artic in late 2005, but no sightings have been reported since. Since the economic downfall reports of townsfolk have been eating poor unsuspected people who enter the town for food.
  • Enniskerry - A village from which all roads lead upwards, steeply, to rain-sodden peat bogs filled with trapped SUV's and screaming children.
  • Rathnew - A cancerous hive of horrific subhuman animals. If given a choice between Belfast in the 1980s, or Rathnew at any point in its history, then Belfast would generally be considered a favourable alternative.
  • Everywhere else - Sarah, Sheep, cows, sheep, cows, sheep, did I mention cows?
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