Wicca
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Wicca is a pseudo-religion and attention-getting device which involves the worship two deities: the Goddess Mother Earth or some other goddess (preferably not of the Celtic tradition Wicca claims to embody) and the God (otherwise known as Captain Planet). It is mainly practiced by MySpace users between the ages of 13 and 16, though for a select minority of emos and goths the phase can last until well into their late teens, or even into the early 20s if they have no friends and can still use it as a tool to get attention. The Wiccans older than that are mostly crazy feminists or tree hugging hippies. Wiccans are basically witches that can't do real magic. This is why they use spelling to get their revenge, spelling magic as magick.
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[edit] History of Wicca
Wicca is the largest of the Neopagan religions. Wiccans have great reverence for the Earth and for their Goddess and her consort, the horned God. Their main rule of behavior is the Wiccan Rede which forbids them from harming people, including themselves, except in some cases of self-defense.
Many, perhaps most, are solitary practitioners. Others form small groups of believers, called covens, groves, etc. Because of centuries of religious propaganda and misinformation, many conservative Christians, and others, associate Wiccans with Satanists even though the two belief systems are as different as Christianity and Atheism.
As to history...there is no history. Wiccans love to claim that their faith is older then Christianity, and claim to be descended from Druidism, Sumerian faiths, or any other paganistic sect they can google. A modern Wiccan coven dressed up in nightgowns and blessing the crops bears as much relation to Druidism as Chicago Machine Politics of the Boss Daley era had to Athenian Democracy. That is, none.
[edit] A Censored Religion
The religion of Wicca is not accepted or tolerated in the United States of America at all, which is why there are more Wiccans here than anywhere else on the whole damn planet. Wicca, having been created in 1954 (on the same day as TV dinners), doesn't have a long history of persecution like other religions. To compensate, Wiccans invented the persecution complex. If you beat up a fat jerk in school because he's a fat jerk, chances are it was a Wiccan who can now say he/she was "persecuted for his beliefs" even though you had no idea. Then he/she can have the evil ACLU sue the school and stick it to the taxpayers. Most Wiccans are "he/shes", also called "shemales", oddly enough. Fortunatley Wiccans find it useful to have a pee pee and a vejayjay since they mostly have sex with themselves, anyway. Like Satan, Wiccans in their quest to control the world have taken many jobs from people in the U.S. -- and besides, they are often fat ugly chicks who dress in black (or in purple crushed velvet) and hardly ever get laid (well duh, who wants a shemale?). Because of this, many of them have since begun seeking sex from other women, rather than men. Wiccans also invented masturbation and cybersex for this reason.
In 1972, Wiccan insurgents from Amazonia infiltrated Britain and released a manifesto (and call to arms) in the guise of a children's book called "Richard Posner and the Philanthropist Gnome". The book was later released in the United States, but "Philanthropist" was not considered phonetic enough to serve the Wiccan agenda, and so the word in the title was replaced with "Sore-headed". This all made a good deal of sense to the Wiccans, but normal Amerikans were thrown into a morally-induced fit of moral rage. As a result, Congress passed a new law that banned the book. In response Wiccans cast many spells against the president, but the spells, unlike prayers, were even less effective. Another book soon followed, created by the government, called Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit.
The only area at the moment that is allowing Wiccans to freely practice their abilities is China. Though we all know that is just as real as Hyrule.
[edit] Contributions to Society
Wiccans are known for their expert arts-and-craftsmanship (or to be Politically Correct, "craftsubhumanship"). Wiccans have invented such ingenious and useful things as Wicca Baskets, Wiccarbockers, "dreamcatchers" made from Popsicle sticks and yarn, and Wiccapedia. One must beware when using these things, however, because ancient Wiccan curses dictate that those who fall under the Wiccan spell will begin to insert the arguably catchy word "wicca" in every appropriate (and many an inappropriate) place, wicca wicca wicca wicca.
Wiccans are also known to be a good replacement for firewood, as they are quite flammable. Historically, the ancient Celts burned the first Wiccan after they tired of their gods and practices being ceremoniously raped by local Wiccans.
Followers of approximately 197 other religions Wicca stole from in its quest to call itself "The Old Religion Floating Down De Nile" took up the practice as well, especially when it was discovered that Wiccans made marvelous kindling. This was a period known to the Wiccans as the Burning Times.
The Burning Times is a period when 75 Billion Wiccans were killed everyday by the evil "Xtains" for 3 million years, and are still killing them even now. In Salem, 100 gazillion Wiccans were killed. Even though modern reseach has shown only 50,000 people were killed in a 500 year period that ended by 18th century, and that none of them could have possibly been Wiccans since it was invented in 1954, that's not the point. The point is you have to have a reason to demonize Xtians, because they were mean to me in Junior High and my mom and dad wouldn't let me have a Marlyn Manson CD. Anyone who qustions The Burning Times is a narrow minded bigot guilty of history revision (except for Wicca historian Ronald Hutton, pbuh, who I pretened to read, but the words were too big and Grey's Anatomy was on).
Modern scientists have theorized that Wiccans could be burned to create a new, renewable, clean burning energy fuel source due to the high concentration of fat cells and lack of grey matter, but unfortunately, this would be considered "murder" by most modern definitions of the term.
Wiccans are thought to have invented the Personal Computer Superfluous Devices, or PCSD, though Wiccans are largely illiterate there are no actual historical records to confirm this (since they couldn't read and write, duh). These devices include lighted LED fans, cold cathode light tubes, and plexiglass cases. Their contribution to personal computing has been summed by one scholar on the subject as "bloody stupid". They also may have invented internet porn, judging by the amount of hair on their palms.
The TV series "Charmed" is said to have been a Wiccan plot to take over the US government. This attempt failed due to many people, Wiccans included, getting distracted by the vast quantities of cleavage on display. Wiccans found such cleavage useful in their "magickal masturbation rituals" or as non-Wiccans call it, just jacking off.
[edit] How to Become a Wiccan
Basically all you have to do to become a Wiccan is simply say you're a Wiccan loudly and often. However, to further wedge yourself into the religion, you can also do the following:
- Visit Wiccapedia.
- Spell things incorrectly, like wynd, magick, summyr, hyjyne and for that matter, realytti with a bad imitation of Old English or Frisian style.
- Hate Christians (or as you should now start calling them "Xians"). In fact you should have a general hatred for anything with the word Christ in it, including: Christmas, anyone named Christine ("Xine" being the Wiccan word for Christine, so to speak) and the word richest because it's too damn close to being an anagram of Christ. This is an especially important point, because Wicca is the biggest threat to Christianity, itself being born in a free world constructed from patriarchal rule coincidently slapped on the ass into submission from mother "obey, or no sex tonight" theology. And we all know what that means... more football.
- Change your name to something with two or more of the following words: Wynd, Summer, Night, Moon, Wolf, Crystal, Breeze, Solar, Raven, Owl, Storm, Silver, Gold, or Star.
- Start wearing black or purple crushed velvet.
- Masturbate several times a day.
- Gain about 80 lbs.
- Forgoe hygiene since this is an invention of "The Evil Xtian Patriarchy".
- Wear a pentagramm necklace the size of a dinner plate at all times, dress like it's halloween everyday, wear tons of black makeup, and then when someone asks if you're a Wiccan become genuinely shocked and say "How did you know???".
- Claim you're part Native American, and make up some stupid Indian tribe.
- Be a 'special needs student' and get your first psychiatric evaluation at age 13.
- Watch a movie called "The Craft" which is a documentary on real-life Wiccans and what they can do.
- Burn things, like candles, incense, gange, bits of string, yourself, but mostly gange.
- Become an overweight, bisexual, and preferably polyamorous teenage girl.
- Buy lots of silver pentagrams which you should try and adorn as much of your body with as possible.
- Tell people vampires are real and you have proof because you use to be one until "they" de-fanged you. Then tell them how much you love human blood.
- Tell everyone around you about being a Wiccan; the less they want to listen, the better. This will alienate you from your environment even more and work toward your goal of being special.
- Start a webpage, preferably with a purple background and red text. Plenty of spinning pentagrams are a MUST and also as many animated gifs as you can find (of things like flames and cats). The graphics are much more important than the actual text on your webpage but if you must add actual "information" it should be in the form of a long-winded rant about how witches were burnt at the stake and about fairies being real. A MySpace account also counts.
- Write your name in blood (preferably menstrual blood which you keep in a jug in your fridge) on things around your house and act surprised when people treat you like you are insane.
- Prance around your front garden in nothing but a cloak and pointy hat. When people complain simply tell them that you are a proud pagan and only practicing your freedom of religion - then break into a long-winded rant about the burning times.
- Reading information on Wicca is not as important as acting the part, but if you are ever confronted by someone who has then simply use the defense that there is no "right way" to do anything, you don't want to be put into a box or labeled and so they should stop judging you. Then accuse them of being Xian.
- Burn a pentacle in your neighbor’s lawn, and sacrifice their dog/cat/fish/child/flower to the gods. Then jump around and chant magic words. Cut your arm open and bleed all over the ground. The gods will love you forever. Your neighbor, however, might be a little ticked off. Sue the neighbor for persecuting your religion.
- Convince yourself there is no turning back. Once you are in, man, you're in.
- Above all, develop a compulsive attraction to shiny things, like little colored led crystal balls. You should develop this skill to the point where you start picking shiny metal things up off the ground without giving your hands conscious direction.
- Talk about how much you're "sticking it" to the mainstream.
- If someone complains, scream: "You just don't understand! I'm different!" and start rambling about how everyone else is discriminating you. Then accuse them of living in a fantasy world and an illusion before you get back to worshiping trees and dirt.
- Learn to be nice and polite...except to non-Wiccans, because they're inferior to your super magicy magicky majick self.
- Develop a love for overpriced rocks (must have a good reason why said rocks are the “specialist” and “sacredest” of all rocks)
- Spend several hours a day channeling your magick into any mundane object you can find(above mentioned rocks will do especially great)
- Be sure to ignore most of the guidelines of the actual religion. All you have to do to be a witch is say you're one. And that your family has always been in tune with nature or something like that. If your parents happen to be sane, claim you're adopted and are actually the child of [insert imaginary being which you worship].
- Buy a little cast iron pot you think is majjgjick and act all spooky and mysterious when you're crushing up chalk and dried leaves from your backyard with some granite stick you bought at like, world market or someplace majjgjikky like that. Then pour wax from your burning pillar candles into the cast iron pot until it is full, and stir the dried leaves into it. Top with flowers, then let the wax mixture dry.
- Charge all your friends money for tarot card readings, all the time decrying anybody that uses magickal gifts for profit.
- Be sure to recognise that no matter how sodding nuts a deity acts in the mythology that they're a part of, they REALLY want what's best for you, just like the strange smelling old man that likes to offer the neighbourhood kids candy...
- Make certain that EVERYBODY knows that Wicca is a life-affirming, nature-based spirituality before setting up your altar on a Tupperware container and using a crayon as a magic wand and a plastic sword as a real one because mummy and daddy wouldn't like you playing with big people's knives would they?.
- Be loud and authoritative when you tell people that Wiccans never hurt anybody because it's against their religion but at the same time making sure that people better not mess with you because you know magic.
- Whine about how the evil "Xtians" are intolerant, bigoted, narrowminded, and need to be all killed, starting with Mother Teresa.
- Be as intolerant, bigoted and narrowminded as you claim the "Xtrians" are, but say that it's alright for you to be that way because you're Wiccan and the Goddess loves you.
[edit] Wiccan Traditions
Eclectic and Solitary Wicca
According to Wikipedia,
| There is also a movement of Eclectic or Solitary Wiccans who claim to belong to the religious movement, but do not believe any doctrine or traditional initiation is necessary in order to substantiate the claim. |
So you or your partner might be a Wiccan RIGHT NOW and not even know it. If you suspect you are a Wiccan or might have contracted Wicca, please see Dr. Kevorkian to get tested, and be sure to be open with your partner. Especially if you used a luv potion on them.
(Please note that this should not be confused with Electric Wicca, or even Epileptic Wicca)
Gardenarian Tradition
Formed by the quintessential Wiccan, Mexican Gardener, this tradition emphasizes respect for the earth through lawnmower worship and erotic dungeons and dragons games. Many Wiccans shy away from this particular tradition, due to its strong preference for Elitist Esoteric Assholes who Actually Know what They're Talking About and Practice a Real Religion (even if it is witewahsed Satanism and an excuse for an orgy). Initiation is necessary, though can be overridden by sacrificing a magjickkkkkkk sprinkler to the gods and/or one's guardian feminazi.
The true origins of Gardenarian Wicca were that Gardener, on one of his 'flights of fancy' to the US, came across the system at a BQQ at his old pal L-Ron's house. It was, however, the notorious gangsta-rappa and gaylord Aleister Crowley who put the innocent and gullible Gardner up to the whole thing, as some sort of sick prank. The whole thing backfired when people actually fell for the whole preposterous scheme and Crowley is reported to have exclaimed in dismay "Shiat! I've created monsta y'all!".
Gardner, when not gardening, enjoyed being tied up and whacked on the bum while buck naked by buxom young naked girls. It's easy to see why this religion is practiced by people solely for spitiual reasons, and not at all anything kinky.
Because of it's use of S and M, nudity, and sex, some people thought erroneously that Gardnerian Wicca was started by the British Royal Family.
Correllian Tradition
This was originally started through the combined effort of L. Ron Hubbard, Ray Kroc and Bill Gates. They hoped to combine their occult powers to ensure that each home in Amerika (and eventually the world) would have at least one Wiccan. In order to do this they needed to make Wicca more easily digestible and able to be distributed to as wide an audience as possible but still with the great attention to service excellence as original Wicca. Following in the footsteps of the highly respected "Online Colleges" where one can buy your PhD, they started a
The Native Americans had been practicing Wicca for millennia and it had been passed down to L. Ron Hubbard by his grandma (a Native American gypsy wench, who occasionally hit the crack-peace-pipe) but was an overly complicated system.
British Traditional
This was started one fateful evening when the first episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer aired and was seen by some bored upper-class teenagers. This tradition is also known as "The Cult of Rupert Giles". An important part or these rituals involves forming a circle to drink Darjeeling and eat cucumber sandwiches.
Alexandrian Tradition
Only people with the name Alex, Alexandra, Aleq or Alexander may join these covens. Alexandrias, oddly, are banned from the tradition, and in fact are in danger of being skinned alive and eaten if they come within 100 yards of an Alexandrian coven.
Faery/Fairy Tradition
This a tradition where covens are made up of 8-year-old girls and gay males of varying ages. The international headquarters is located in San Francisco in the Castro district.
Christian Wicca
Um... yeah... this one is pretty hard to explain. Apparently it involves cannibalism. One thing we do know is that it's bread from Christians who think that if they believe in something they don't believe in, which is what they think but not what they know, then they must still be Christians because they still believe, they just don't know what they believe. Then they'll go to hell, or some other really bad place. Because, you know, it's bad. So not knowing, but thinking of beliefs still makes it okay, because you know, otherwise, it's bad again. Ultimately, there can be only one.
Dianic Tradition
Ever since the tragic passing of Princess Goddess Diana, this tradition has come to total fruition. Believers of this tradition worship before an Altar of Diana, normally depicted in her striking 80's-big-hair form. They also operate an underground network of operatives as they currently believe that either the Gardenarians or Alexandrians might have been behind the plot to kill their deity... either them or it was just those annoying, smelly, jealous French froggies! They are also known to have called a Jihad on the house of Windsor, thereby claiming their title as Wicca's most extremist and fundamentalist tradition!
Unlike other branches of Wicca, Dianic Wicca believes in a devil, whom they call "Prince Charles". Dianic Wiccans like to sing hymns, mostly that annoying song by Elton John which can also be used in the worship of Marylyn Monroe.
Hanger On Tradition
Similar to Christian Wicca, this is made up of ex-Wiccans turned Christian in England who are actually still Wiccans. Even though they converted to Christianity, they hang out with Wiccans, have services where Wicca and Christianity and combined, and talk about Wicca stuff. Its members are like that kid that graduates High School but still keeps showing up just to hang out until eventually the school cop bans him from the property. The witch queen of the Hanger On Tradition is High Priestess Julie Queen of De Nial.
[edit] Polytheistic vs. Pantheistic Wicca
Polytheistic Wicca is where there's a whole lotta gods, not just one or even two. It's interesting to note that most Wiccans who are polytheistic at one point decided that one god controlling the universe is just far too ridiculous to believe. Observing this phenomenon helped Albert Einstein develop his Theory of Goditivity, or B(elievability)=G(number of gods)A(age of religion)2. In polytheistic Wicca, each god is a separate entity from the rest, each with their own personality, hang ups, vices, etc. Essentially, these gods are like Real World house members, with each one more annoying than the rest.
Pantheistic Wicca isn't much different, except the individual gods are all connected which is, frankly, creepy. They're much like Station from Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey, where one god of the pantheon is the head, another an arm, another a leg, another the ... erm, member. Of course, since Wiccans usually worship duality, this Station-God would have to be a hermaphrodite. This leads me to believe that the genitals are Hermes and Aphrodite.
[edit] Triple Goddess
Why have one Goddess when you can have TWO for the same price! And if you act now Wicca we'll throw in a third one FOR FREE! That's right people, THREE goddesses for the price of one. And that low, low, LOW price is just your soul (like you were using it anyway!).
This offer applies to ALL goddess! Hekate, Isis, you name her and Wicca can triple-fy her!
[edit] Ritual Neo-pagan Orgies
Oh and they do this too!
So there's at least one damned good reason to convert.
An outdoor Neo-Pagan ritual is called a "moot". Moot also means something pointless or of little or no practical value, which describes everything about Wicca in general.
