Why the chicken crossed the road
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“It's not me, it's you all who are on the other side.”
“Because I was chasing it”
“In Soviet Russia, edible Foul crosses YOU!!”
For many millennia, beginning with Xenu of Elea, people have been asking "Why did the chicken cross the road?" This is an interesting dilemma, comparable in chicken-related dilemmas only to "What came first, the chicken or the egg?"
The formerly held view that the chicken crossed the road "to get to the other side" was rejected in 1981 by the general human population for "being not funny enough"
Socrates' theory on chicken road crossings
Firstly, Socrates examined the necessity of questioning the chicken's road crossing. He examined the fundamental curiosity of human nature as to the reason for even a seemingly trivial event. He remarked that it seemed to him that humans are curious about even supposedly inconsequential behaviour - meaning that even "triviality" can not be considered trivial.
Secondly, Socrates examined the nature of the chicken. Is it necessary for a chicken to cross the road? What does a chicken cross when there is no road? On observation, he noted that chickens are not particularly predisposed to cross roads, which led to his next point.
The third point was that of specificity. "Why did the chicken cross the road?" is a specific question, referred not to any old chicken, but to the chicken, and not to any old road crossing, but to one that had definitely happened, past tense.
From this Socrates concluded that the question was Not meaningless, unless of course the original chicken could be identified. He then emphasized the importance of context, without which it would be impossible to not answer the question.
Indiana Jones and the Quest for the Lost Chicken
Popular archaeologist and time traveller Indiana Jones was inspired by these thoughts of Socrates, however he was not prepared to simply conclude that the question had no meaning. He concluded that for the question to be asked, there must have originally been a chicken, and furthermore, this chicken, having done such a radical thing as to cross the road, would surely be remembered in the annals of history.
Dr. Jones then embarked upon a quest to the Middle East in order to seek out the chicken. This resulted in the death of several Nazis, Dr. Jones acquiring a beautiful female sidekick, and a number of fights in Middle Eastern bazaars. Dr. Jones later reported in Archaeology Magazine that he had discovered the fabled chicken in a pyramid in Giza, however the mummified chicken was later confiscated by the British government. This discovery is no doubt fascinating, but critics wasted no time in telling Dr. Jones that his discovery of Egyptian art depicting a chicken crossing the road failed to explain why the chicken crossed the road. Dr. Jones was reported to have put his fingers in his ears, sung very loudly, and run off in double-quick time to find the Holy Grail.
The Egyptologist's view
A notable Egyptologist was asked why he thought the chicken crossed the road. He responded, "Why the hell should I care? It's a chicken!"
The Animal Rights Activist's view
Campaigners for Animal rights have constantly campaigned against the use of "Why did the chicken cross the road?" as they believe it discriminates against the avian population, by objectifying the chicken. They argue that it is simply none of our business why the chicken crossed the road, only that we accommodate the chicken's road crossing within society, providing adequate facilities for any chickens who may wish to cross the road, whatever the reason.
An Uncyclopedian's view
Here at Uncyclopedia, we are not devoid of our own opinions as to the solution to this classic riddle. The following words of wisdom were suggested by an Uncyclopedian who was an expert in the topic:
"When the chicken came before the egg it found that the cows were saying that the grass was greener on the other side, well the chicken wanted to lay its eggs on the better side. Finding that he needed to cross the road he simply did but after he did he told all his kids to always cross the road no matter what to lay their eggs.
Finally, some idiot came up with that as a joke. BUT THIS IS THE TRUTH GET OVER IT!"
Another Uncyclopedian's view
Yet another view is that the chicken did not actually go over the road, but that it dug a hole underneath it. While he was down there, he struck oil, which is where we get Exxon Mobil.
Colonel Sander's view
Apparently Colonel Sander's reasonable response to the question of chicken crossing was, "Well I don't give a living damn on how or why chickens cross the road I just like making money off them.
An Employee at McDonald's view
The response from the McDonald's employee was that most of our chicken products is generally roadkill. Just as the employee finished another employee wlked in to resuraunt with two dead chickens in his hand saying, "Look! I found these two just a couple miles up the road."
AL GORE: I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.
DAVID CAMERON I say lets give chickens the respect they deserve. Rather than rush in to ill thought out policies, the conservative party, will set up a 3 year think tank, that will report back on not just the chicken, but the road in question, and then and only then, we will develop our policy on this vital matter.
PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH: I don't believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road.
PRESIDENT GEORGE 'Dubya' BUSH Jnr: My fellow Americans, these chickens are threatening our way of life, our liberties and our Burger King, that is why I think it is in America's best interest to send 50,000 more troops to Iraq and put more funds into our defense. These chickens should not be taken lightly, instead, try them with some mayo. Together we can make a better tomorrow by ridding the world of these chickens and hopefully win the war in Iraq. God Bless America.
SENATOR LIEBERMAN: I believe that every chicken has the right to worship their God in their own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in their own way.
SECRETARY CHENEY: Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if 'they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself.
THE BIBLE: And so God said unto the chicken "Thou shalt cross the road". And so the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
CHUCK NORRIS: It was running away from me! The chicken failed. I roundhoused kicked the chicken. We all had chicken nuggets for lunch. Nuff Said.
RALPH NADER: Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tire makers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tire makers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it—the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road But why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die...alone...In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I have a dream... that one day all chickens will be free to cross the road without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HILLARY CLINTON: Every day, thousands of homeless chickens cross the road. Please,vote for me and together we will end these horrors. Please, think about the chickens.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your chequebook—and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or was the road moved to the other side of the chicken?
TURAGA VAKAMA: The chicken crossed the road, for that is the way of the chicken.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken"? Could you define "chicken" please?
GEORGE BUSH: I don't think I should have to answer that question.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
OSCAR WILDE: Mmmm! Chicken!
YODA: To turn to the other side, crossed the road the chicken did.
MR. T: I pity the chicken that crosses the road—I do! I do!
OZZY OSBOURNE: F**k the F**king chicken.
THE IDIOT: A better question would be why DIDN'T the chicken cross the road.
IN SOVIET RUSSIA: Road Crosses the chicken.
FAMILY GUY: Because you touch yourself at night.
CHTHULU: Though this pitiful mortal chicken has crossed the road, it has not escaped my wrath. Come the day, I shall rise from eternal slumber and devour its flesh, use its bones to pick morsels from my teeth, and have its soul as a bit of dessert.
JOSEPH CONRAD: The chicken crossed the road away from civilization and into the heart of darkness, revealing that civilization is just a thin veeneer over chickenkinds inhumanity to other winged creatures. The horror, the horror.....
ERIS DISCORDIA: LUNCHTIME!!!!!
GUINEVIVE BUJOLD: Presumably the bird in question foresaw that by crossing an unspecified expanse of tarmacadam, it would spawn a tranche of comedic incompetence and vomit inducing punchlines not seen since the days of early nineties Cannon and Ball Sitcom "Plaza Patrol". Thus ensuring lifelong fame for itself. Now if you have no more inane questions would you please kindly fuck off and eat some shit you communist faggot.
HOMER SIMPSON: Mmmmmmmmmmm... Chicken..........
FANNY HILL: The chicken looked at me with a strange expression "Bend over my dear," he said, "you have something on the back of your dress". As I did so I felt my frock and petticoat lifted and a cold draught upon my bare buttocks, before I could say more than "My dear Mr. Chicken" I felt his engorged purple member penetrate that orifice peculiar to my gender and I heard him chortle "Call me Mr. Cock, my dear". It was then that his frenzied thrusts pushed me out into the cold, onto the pavement of this great dirty city and inevitably across the road.
THE GODFATHER: I made him an offer he couldn't refuse
ALEX JUUL: He was scared of me.
RON DENNIS: The objective of the poultry individual in this situation is to work towards the goal of a road crossing. We're comfortable that that can be achieved using only bi-ped motional forces. We would refuse to compromise until a safe chicken arrival scenario had been achieved.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference
A GUY WITH A BRAIN: Isn't it interesting that pretty much all of these 'quote' jokes came from a forwarded e-mail. Make up your own jokes, homo, don't steal them from e-mails (of all things!).
It has recently been proposed that the chicken may have crossed the road as an attempt to decrease its chances of catching Bird Flu.