Why am I here?

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Why am I here? is an important philosophical question. This page is here to help, so if you are looking for answers you have come to the right place.

Origins of the question

"Why am I here?" is the first of the five core philosophical questions (see table), it is asked by all nearly all people during the natural human progression from Little retard to Big retard.

Core questions in Philosophical Enquiry
1Why am I here?
2Why did God have to make me so ugly and stupid?
3Have other people found out any of my filthy secrets?
4How can I escape this hellish existence?
5When can I watch telly?

The question

Most people find themselves wondering "why am I here?" at the midway age between Little retard and Big retard, commonly known as Spotty retard. The question can be phrased in many different ways; articulate spotty retards would phrase the question "what is my purpose in life?" while normal spotty retards might perhaps phrase the question more like "what the fuck am I supposed to do now?". The only people who don't ask the question are less intelligent people (like Daily Mail readers, Jeremy Kyle show audiences and Americans) who generally skip straight to question number five and think about little else for the rest of their lives.

Where to find answers

Dougal

Liars

People have looked for answers to the question for many years in many different places. A traditional place to look was to religion, the wise and holy men who run religion know only one answer which is "to serve God by giving us all your money". In recent years this answer has begun to seem unsatisfactory; however there are more places to look.

Books are a good source of answers; do not attempt to find answers in Philosophy or Science books as these are too long and boring. The books to look for answers in are written by Dan Brown because he is an expert on the truth. A truth so powerful that the great religions have been trying to it hide from us for Centuries.

If you are illiterate or do not have the time to read books you could try to find answers on the telly, unfortunately most of the people who try this route get stuck in the unbreakable five question cycle, which is impossible to answer without the full understanding of the rest of the universe obtained through the answering of the first four questions.

If you are reading this page it means you have found the best source of answers imaginable, The internet.

Beware of complacency

Wikipediaphysics

Wikipedia: A bad place to look for answers

Just because you have found the ultimate source of answers do not become complacent. Many people who look to the internet for the answer to life’s first great puzzle find themselves tricked into believing in false solutions. The most famous internet based false solution is "I am here to watch porn and wank".

Please also be mindful to avoid unreliable sources like Wikipedia, as any old liar can edit Wikipedia, spreading confusion, propaganda and false trails (see evidence to right).

The answer

I know the answer and one day you may too, but I cannot tell you or it would ruin your philosophical journey. All I can do is give you this advice and wish you good luck.

See also

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