Why am I here?

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Why am I here? is an important philosophical question. If you are looking for answers you have come to the right place, and this page is here to help.

edit Origins of the question

"Why am I here?" is the first of the five core philosophical questions asked by all nearly all people during the natural human progression from Little retard to Big retard. (see table)

Core questions in Philosophical Enquiry
1Why am I here?
2Why did God have to make me so ugly and stupid?
3Have other people found out any of my filthy secrets?
4How can I escape this hellish existence?
5When can I watch telly?

edit The question

Most people find themselves wondering why they exist at the midway age between Little retard and Big retard, commonly known as Spotty retard. The question can be phrased in many different ways; articulate spotty retards would phrase the question, "What is my purpose in life?" while normal spotty retards might perhaps phrase the question more like this: "What the fuck am I supposed to do now?". The only people who don't ask the question are less intelligent people (like Daily Mail readers, Jeremy Kyle show audiences, and Americans) who generally skip straight to question number five and think about little else for the rest of their lives.

edit Where to find answers



People have looked for answers to the question for many years in many different places.

Traditionally, billions of people turned to religion. According to religion, the wise and holy men of the religion know the correct answer which is to serve God by giving us all of your money. Due to lack of satisfaction with this answer, people have begun looking in other places.

Books are a good source of answers, but do not attempt to find answers in Philosophy or Science books because these are too long and boring. Books written by Dan Brown are the best because he is an expert on the truth, a truth so powerful that the great religions have been trying to hide it from us for Centuries.

If you are unable or unwilling to read books, you could try to find answers on the telly. But be warned: most who try this route get stuck in the unbreakable five question cycle and become depressed because it's impossible to answer the fifth question without full understanding of the rest of the universe obtained through answering the first four.

If you are reading this page it means you have found the best source of answers imaginable.

edit Beware of complacency


Wikipedia: A bad place to look for answers

Just because you have found the ultimate source of answers doesn't mean you can trust everything you see is true nor become complacent without suffering detrimental consequences. Many people who look to the Internet for the answer to life’s first great puzzle find themselves tricked into believing in false solutions. The most famous internet-based false solution is "I am here to watch porn and wank".

Please also be mindful to avoid unreliable sources like Wikipedia because any old liar can edit Wikipedia and use it to spread confusion, propaganda and false trails (see evidence to right).

edit The answer

I know the answer and one day you may too, but I cannot tell you or it would ruin your philosophical journey. All I can do is give you this advice and wish you good luck.

edit See also

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