Why? talk:Don't You Get a Job?

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This will be funny. Sir SysRq (talk) 19:33, 8 February 2009 (UTC)

Unless the Americans nuke it. Then it would be a nuclear waste land. - [19:49 8 February 2009] YYettie
Fucking Americans. Sir SysRq (talk) 20:14, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
And how about fucking Yetties? Sir Socky Sexy girls Mermaid with dolphin Tired Marilyn Monroe (talk) (stalk) Magnemite Icons-flag-be GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 12:27, 12 April 2009 (UTC)
Do I need to reply here too? I bassically said what I wanted to on my talk page. Anyway stay tuned for up-dates. ~Orian57~ Icons-flag-gb ~Talk~ Gay sign 20:48 8 February 2009

Because I know HowTo:Make money without getting a job. --MegaPleb Dexter111344 Complain here 00:33, 1 April 2009 (UTC)

Probably related but different. What do you think about mine so far though? ~Orian57~ Icons-flag-gb ~Talk~ Gay sign 00:42 1 April 2009
You are such a whore. Sir SysRq (talk) 00:43, 1 April 2009 (UTC)
Oh wait was that your's? I'll give it a proper read. Promise. ~Orian57~ Icons-flag-gb ~Talk~ Gay sign 00:45 1 April 2009
Yeah, it's good so far. Change Poke'e'mon to Poke'e'man. Other than that, I've only got two (count 'em, TWO) suggestions.
  1. Finish it.
  2. Add a like to my article (previously posted) somewhere. --MegaPleb Dexter111344 Complain here 00:57, 1 April 2009 (UTC)
I shall indeed do both. though instead of changing it to Pok'e'man, Pok'e'mons might be better. Because stupid people do that. Pluralise the name of the franchise. That always used to annoyme. ~Orian57~ Icons-flag-gb ~Talk~ Gay sign 01:00 1 April 2009
I know what you mean cause, this one time, I got this job cleaning up the Waffle House and all, but then I got fired cause the boss said, "You made a worser mess than it'd done been." That's discrimination. --MegaPleb Dexter111344 Complain here 01:04, 1 April 2009 (UTC)
I think you should sue for crimes against the Queen's language! There was a time where you could get beheaded for that. Probably. Maybe hung. ~Orian57~ Icons-flag-gb ~Talk~ Gay sign 03:16 1 April 2009
Just stabbed in the gut. Sir Socky Sexy girls Mermaid with dolphin Tired Marilyn Monroe (talk) (stalk) Magnemite Icons-flag-be GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 09:53, 12 April 2009 (UTC)
Also, congratulations on finishing it. Sir Socky Sexy girls Mermaid with dolphin Tired Marilyn Monroe (talk) (stalk) Magnemite Icons-flag-be GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 12:11, 12 April 2009 (UTC)
What do you think? good, shit, neither -- both??? I'm just ginna mainspace it now. ~Orian57~ Icons-flag-gb ~Talk~ Gay sign 12:14 12 April 2009
I think it's a great article. Cheers! Sir Socky Sexy girls Mermaid with dolphin Tired Marilyn Monroe (talk) (stalk) Magnemite Icons-flag-be GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 12:26, 12 April 2009 (UTC)
Thanks, I just put it on pee. Would you say this was feature worthy,, after some work, obviously. ~Orian57~ Icons-flag-gb ~Talk~ Gay sign 12:28 12 April 2009
With some additional work, it may make it to featuredom. Sir Socky Sexy girls Mermaid with dolphin Tired Marilyn Monroe (talk) (stalk) Magnemite Icons-flag-be GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 12:32, 12 April 2009 (UTC)

edit From Pee!

Humour: 7 Uhh, this is going to be difficult to sum up. To start on a positive note though, there are some really decent bits in here, plenty of funny ideas and chuckles to be found, and generally it's pretty decent. I like the section in the first pub particularly - nicely observed, decent use of contradiction to undermine his arguments without having to spell it out to us - this is the most complete and satisfying section. After that, it starts to feel as if you wanted to get this wrapped up a little hastily - the ideas are still there, but things around them seem a little more threadbare. It does feel like you're rushing your delivery a little.

Your ideas are good - the kids "buying the wallet against your will" was amusing, but the section just felt undernourished and weak - flesh it out a little, be more descriptive. Tell us about the kids, what they look like, the drinks they want you to buy them (Cheap cider, how predictable. And cheap Vodka, they really didn't need to write a list, I could have guessed this. Oh, watermelon Bacardi Breezer, which one of you's the puff? Oh, it's for your girlfriend is it? Not sure I believe he has a girlfriend with that much pus on his face but I'll keep it quiet...) That kind of thing.

Then, again, same deal in the Job Centre. Here we are with a couple of good ideas - the ridiculous excuses to eliminate as many types of labour as possible, and the alcoholism - and they're presented with next to no meat on their bones, losing much of the fun you could have had with them. I'm underwhelmed because I think you could do so much more there (lack of driving license, asthma ruling out manual labour, seems all you're good for is standing or sitting still - shall I see if we have an opening for a doorstop? etc etc)

Then the ending, as you observe, is a little weak. It doesn't help that the six weeks of meetings is glossed over in the header - give us more of a reason to see how our narrator has quickly descended to such depths of intolerance and righteous indignation that he can agree with the bigot in the bar. That would help the final section. As for a punchy ending, I'm not sure what to suggest. But perhaps one idea is that if you can't string two coherent sentences together, you're full of prejudices and seething hatred toward all minorities, and you're desperately trying to play the patriotism card, you've got a great chance of a job at the Daily Mail?

Finally (Christ, is he not done yet?) I have a tiny issue with articles that have a lot of conversation in them laid out in this fashion - it actually makes it slightly harder to follow than it needs to be. I'm not suggesting changing the whole article and removing the conversation, but play with formatting a little, try to find ways of making it clearer when someone's actually talking and when it's just narration - perhaps different fonts might be a winner? (I think italics or bold text wouldn't work that well, and colours would be garish) Or possibly just lay it out a little more like a script? Something, anyway. I really feel that would help the whole feel of the article, make it easier to read, so at least give it some thought.

Concept: 8 No problems here - plenty of ideas, and lots to work with. I do worry that you haven't made enough use of those ideas, but I've spent enough time talking about that elsewhere.
Prose and formatting: 6 Orian, you may have noticed me make the occasional friendly comment about your spelling and grammar. On my talk page, I just correct it, no biggie and it kind of amuses me. In an article, it really bugs me. Sorry, but that's how it goes. I think I may have been generous with this as well - there are quite a few problems with this that trigger my pedantic reflexes. So here are a few tips:
  • Download Firefox. Get the spellchecker add-on (proper UK English version, natch). Use it. This will sort out things like "caually" and "Controler"
  • Learn the difference between your (possessive, meaning "belonging to you") and you're (meaning "you are"). Then don't use them the wrong way round (like in the last 4 lines of the job centre interview, for instance). Please.
  • Commas. Please, please, please be a little less slapdash with the humble comma. Try reading the article out loud, and wherever you pause in a sentence, stick a comma. Even in short sentences.

Orian, you're a good bloke, and a funny writer, and I do like you. But as a fan of the English language and all its myriad glories, there are times when you frustrate me man! It may be worth getting hold of a copy of Lynne Truss's "Eats, Shoots and Leaves" and having a read - it's a very good guide to correct English usage, and witty with it.

Anyway, take another look through, following those tips. Then give me another shout, and I'll have another look. I may still make further changes for readability, but that's because I'm a stickler for such things. It doesn't stop this being funny, but it does make it more of an annoying read than it needs to be.

Images: 6 Yeah, as you note, you need more. Two over an article this long is not enough. You need at least one more, and more likely two. They don't have to be awesome, any group of kids on a street corner will do for the "After a Short Walk" section, allowing you to bump the Job Centre sign down to the next section. And then maybe some kind of neo-nazi type for the last section? One of the ones from This Is England or ID (films, in case you didn't know) perhaps? Or one in a bar, if you can find one. They don't need to be great, but they do need to be there.
Miscellaneous: 6.8 Averaged, per ancient scroll of wisdom.
Final Score: 33.8 This does seem like quite a negative review for what is, for me, an above average score, so I'll try to leaven that now. Orian, you are a good, funny writer in the sense of having good ideas and having funny things to say. I really like that. There are bits of this article that had me chuckling merrily away. I do think that with the appropriate tweaks and so forth, this will end up adding to your list of features. So don't go getting discouraged by this curmudgeonly old git!

That said, there are times when your prose feels half-finished to me, partly just in the "needs a proofread" sense, partly in the "rushing to get to the ideas and not spending enough time fleshing it out" sense. And that is probably the tl;dr version of what I've been saying up there - work it a bit more, make it feel more rounded, and you'll see the benefits. I hope!

You know the drill by now: only my opinion, others available, and the very best of British to you!

Reviewer: --UU - natter UU Manhole 17:30, Apr 12

~Orian57~ Icons-flag-gb ~Talk~ Gay sign 21:52 12 April 2009

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