edit Moar fun this way
In the part "At last, Dr. Packs! Your secretary — oh I'm sorry, "receptionist" — has crossed the line." line links to line. Make it so that line links to circle! (184.108.40.206 14:29, April 9, 2010 (UTC))
- That's silly. • • • Friday, 15:09, Apr 9 2010
edit But what was the question!?
Not tellin'. *Neener neener neener...* • • • Sunday, 09:33, Nov 22 2009
- ALSO: I'm not a real doctor. • • • Wednesday, 03:38, Mar 31 2010
- I just play one on TV. • • • Thursday, 22:57, Apr 1 2010
edit Pee Reviews
|Why do I need to provide an Introduction to your reviewer?
I think you know something about me. I usually put my qualifications on the topic here, so yeah, I've been to the doctor and I've also questioned--many times--why I have to provide some information or other. I'm one of those obnoxious people who does that.
|Concept:||8||There was a concept of an Internet form that you moved to a doctor's office. I like both concepts, but do find the doctor's one more personal, which to me works well.|
|Prose and Formatting:||7||I put Humour comments in with Prose and Formatting so I don't keep repeating myself, but do score them separately.
Overall, I like what you have, and think it's a good beginning and deals with a situation most of the readers will have dealt with in one way or another. But I do think it could use more developing, which fortunately I explain in clinical detail below.
I realize this is probably in my best interests
I'm only here for a check-up!
It makes no sense
I like what you have, except it is essentially a one-joke article. Also you might have more "why do I need to provide this" and variations than are really needed. I had thought maybe you might tell us what the embarrassing question was, but your article can work fine without it (and maybe it's better to keep it to the reader's imagination). Also I like the idea of leaving the reader thinking "this guy must be a looney--or is he? What is he being asked anyway?"
But I would recommend more humour. The receptionist being rude is good, and the patient refusing to answer, but what else happens? Maybe the patient turns in the form, is told something is missing, then fills it in, then turns the form in, is told something's missing, etc.--and then we get to the really big question. It might make more of a comic build. And what are the consequences of not answering the question? As it is, the patient could simply leave and go to another doctor. Is the information standard procedure, and then when that doesn't convince the patient it is company policy (which you mentioned), then it is required by his insurance company, and then required by the government, and then if he doesn't answer it will make him look suspicious, and then when he doesn't comply and sees the doctor, the receptionist calls the police because he's allegedly threatening her or something? And maybe the patient does see the doctor, but then at the end is taken away as a criminal or paranoid looney (this fits the conspiracy ideas of the It makes no sense section), and screams out at the end "Why do I need to provide this?"
|Humo(u)r:||6||The humour you have I like; I just think it needs more as described above.|
|Images:||6||I love the first pic with the scowling receptionist and the heading that would sound typical except, with the image, sounds very sarcastic--nice. I like the paperwork image and caption--it represents the patient's exaggeration. I don't think the smiling patient works--it needs someone who doesn't look happy (and caption might be better with "all the doctor says" instead of "all he says"). The Dr. Packs with the reception would be OK, but it's obviously not the same receptionist as in the first pic.|
|Miscellaneous:||6.75||Average of above.|
|Final Score:||33.75||I think, with work, this could be a very funny article with a much higher score. It sounds like the beginning draft of a comedy sketch, but needs more humour and more build with a climax at the end. Definitely let me know if you do more work on this.|
|Reviewer:||WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 21:50, November 25, 2009 (UTC)|
|Humour:||7.5||The way I review, I generally put the majority of my comments and suggestions in the humor section. This allows me to |
Well, let's see. this is pretty funny as is, evidenced of course by its nomination on VFH. I do think however there are ways to improve this article, I'll try my best to be as in-depth as possible, but I'm pretty satisfied with what you've written.
More details (unnecessary privacy invasion)
The introduction to me is the best section of the article; it's the most relatable to real-life experiences. I can remember filling out paperwork and going, "wtf?" to questions before. Really though, this is a good introduction to your article, it sets up the tone and narration and the story.
"I realize this is probably in my best interest" - These sorts of articles are always hard, being that they are a one-sided narration. That said, I feel as though, while clever and funny, this feels a little bit too much like a one-sided conversation. What I mean is that you need to add a little more filler in-between questions to make it seem more like a conversation than simply a question-response exchange. What is effective though is that you are revealing what the 'receptionist' is saying without providing her dialogue for the most part. btw, this: "what do you take me for" was really funny.
"I'm only here for a check-up! - I feel as though there needs to be a more effective transition between this section and the last one. You pose the "why do I need to provide this" question at the end of the last section. naturally it dictates a response. I feel as though the 'receptionist' would start to give some sort of bullshit answer, with which the narrator would cut her off with an interjection. as such, I think you can make the beginning of this section strong by including something like, "Listen, that's all fine and dandy, but I'm only here for a check up" as the lead in. This makes it seem more like a conversation would imo. As for the rest, it's good to go imo.
"It makes no sense" - I really like the "PC" jokes, those were pretty funny imo, almost as if the people in the doctors office are offended by the man's questions and behavior and his "non-PC" verbiage only adds the icing on the cake for them, if that makes any sense. More of the same comments as above really, this section doesn't present any major problems and it helps progress the story along.
"Doctor Packs!" - Ok, so here's the deal with this last part of the story, it suddenly ends. This isn't a bad technique for writting, but it is when you leave two cliffhangers that will never be answered as opposed to one. One makes the reader think further, two leaves them frustrated. What I mean is that you never really find out what happened to the narrator, you're just left with his question to the doctor as we presume security is coming. You also never reveal what the question was.
Now, along these lines, there's only one way to remedy this, you must reveal one of these things to the reader. You must either reveal what the question is at the very end, or you must let the reader know what happens, you can even do both in a way. My suggestion would be if you choose to reveal the question, have it be either extremely personal and unrelated, much like the narrator complains, or just a really mundane question, thus justifying the doctor's and secretaries reactions.
If you're going to reveal what happens to the man, make it funny. have him dragged away or something, but don't leave a doubt in the readers mind as to what could happen next. Now if you choose to do both, you have security taking him away as he screams "why do I need to answer whether <insert the question here>?" or something to that effect.
Either way, I wouldn't keep it the way it is (I was particularly disappointed by the ending).
Ok, this is still pretty funny as is. I would just focus on the ending a little more and add more "PC" correction jokes, those worked pretty well for you, maybe adding two or three more couldn't hurt. I also have another suggestion that I think would be more appropriate for the concept section.
|Concept:||7.5||Pretty good. We've all had those moments when filling out information where it seems like some questions are more invasive than others, and maybe some of us have even asked about it or even over-reacted. I also like the narrative appraoch to it, and the fact that it's a "why?" series that isn't informative in the slightest, even in an in-universe sense.
Now, here's my suggestion that I talked about earlier: redo the section headings. I saw a technique in another article of this nature that was really effective. Use the section headings as the dialogue for the people other than the narrator. This allows the narrators responses to be centered around a physical piece of dialogue without interrupting the narrative style of excluding the other person's dialogue. It can also reveal the other person's state of mind. For example, your first section heading could be something like, "Well sir, this information will be used to provide you with the best care possible" of something like that. You can begin the text underneath with the current heading. Using this formula I think can really improve the quality of your article.
|Prose and formatting:||8||Not bad. I didn;t notice any overt spelling or grammar mistakes. Although, this line tripped me up quite a bit, "Why you won't tell me why I need to provide this," under the "It makes no sense" section. I realize that it is meant to be a continuation of the section heading, but it comes off really awkward. Also, if you choose to implement what i suggested in 'concept' you'll definitely have to rearrange some words here, and in other places.|
|Images:||9.5||Best part of the article in terms of overall humor, these are extremely clever related images. I really like the first picture of the secretary. I really like how you utilize the pictures to form the POV of the narrator, from the secretary to what I assume is a memory of a past checkup. very effective use, a very funny.|
|Miscellaneous:||7||me level of enjoyment from reading the article|
|Final Score:||39.5||tough review to do considering its already up on VFH and I know you probably won't change much since its going to be featured. that said, I hope you do consider doing my section headings idea, I think that could be the thing that could most improve your article. Also resolving the ending is important, but I wouldn't be extremely upset if you didn't change that around. Anyways, questions or comments, you know where to find me. PS, happy Easter!|
|Reviewer:||-- GUN WotM RotM FBotM VFH SK Maj. ΥΣΣ 02:38 EST 4 April, 2010|