| Why? |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's?
Having trouble deciding whether or not to kill yourself? Family and friends
hoping worried you'll end up 6 feet under? Well, you're in the right spot to make everyone's your hopes come true.
You should kill yourself for many reasons. Your horrible odor, sweaty armpits, WoW addiction, Justin Bieber Fan, the fact that you can't get a girlfriend, (and even if you could she'd be totally freaked out at the insignificance of your penis), acne, lack of athletic ability, you can't ever be the Guy in "I Wanna Be the Guy", and even when you go on Facebook you have no friends should be good enough reason for you. The world would be better off if you killed yourself, see? No need for theatrics, just get a gun and blow the pulpy, unused mess you call your brains out. Be sure to aim away from anything someone might want to use at a later date, as they'll be burning anything that has been tainted by your monumental stupidity. When you see a certain person that you do not like, you would rather kill yourself than have to deal with looking at their ugly face. Not to say any names.
Maybe you lost your cell phone, the expensive one with all your contacts and fancy apps on it, or even your portable music player with your favorite songs on it. Just think, if you're the first one to come up with an original reason, no matter how trivial it may seem to some, maybe others will call you "an hero" just for being original. Or maybe you just want to get revenge on someone, and what better revenge than making them clean up your remains and sanitize the area in hazmat suits? Perhaps you are "different", and are too lazy to work hard and convince the world that even someone who is "different" can accomplish great things. Another possible reason is that you always wanted to try one of those fun things you saw on tv captioned "Do Not Try This At Home". Or perhaps you are tired of learning new things, trying new fun things and meeting new, but similar people, have forgotten all your pleasant long-term memories, or simply are tired of moving and breathing. These are all great reasons.
Still not convinced?
See, here's another reason you should kill yourself: you are too stubborn. You lack the essence in which a reasonable human performs. Or, in other words, you're a noob. No-one likes a noob, not even other noobs. Also, you're
probably absolutely a fatass. This puts severe limits on your athletic and romantic ability, as well as denying you the opportunity of hanging yourself. It would take a rope of steel cord to hold your 750 lb. ass, and since I doubt you'll find that in your parent's basement, you have to choose a different way out. A few of your options include: shooting yourself, as I previously suggested, drowning yourself (your fat ass would float you to the top), poisoning your Twinkies, or lighting yourself on fire (I recommended this. Your greasy hair and blubbery skin should ignite faster than a kero soaked match, provided you don't bathe or shower regularly, or especially, right before doing the deed - as lighting oneself on fire tends not to work well if you are soaking wet). But, let's not dwell on this, this is more something for HowTo:Commit Suicide.
You should be dead by now.
Christ. You just aren't giving up on your worthless life. Stupid Fuck. Ah Yes! This brings us to our next topic; you're a moron. After 2 paragraphs of "Go Die" you're still alive. If it's on the internet, it must be true! Especially when it has to do with killing or murder..... And the world has too many stupid people as it is. You would be doing yourself, and the rest of the world, a huge favor if you went and did the deed. Don't you want a Darwin Award?
Huh.... You really don't give up that easily. Okay, maybe for some positive attitudes. Think of it this way, if you killed yourself now, you'd get a full page in the year book!! That hot chick in your Math class that you fantasize about in your "Private Moments"? She'd know your name. You may even be on the News! There's no chance that you'd get on the television if you were old and stuff, being a plumber or some crap. So, fame. Yeah. DO IT. NOW.
Think of how many people want you dead! That random guy who you stole that bag of chips from, your little brother (so that he can gain all inheritance!), your Dad, (so that he doesn't have to stay in debt feeding your face), and even your teachers! ( If you die the stamp with the big "F" on it won't have to run out of ink every time you hand in an assignment...)
Why you SHOULDN'T kill yourself!
Is it even worth trying anymore?
You know what? If you're still reading, that's fine.... you know what? Really wanna know what? ahhh nevermind! I give up!