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Hey Steve, it's me. Your neighbor from next door? Yeah, I wanted to come over and talk to you about that couch of yours. Yep, that one right there. You've had that couch for decades.Dude, it's time to get a new couch. It's stained, it smells, and- remember when you invited me over last Sunday to watch the big game? Yeah, well, when I went to sit in it, the fucker ate me. I'm not joking man, the other guys tried to help me out, but they got stuck too. Shit's like quicksand man, we never did find Jimmy. All while you were trying to microwave that jar of salsa. Dumbass, you didn't even take the salsa out of the jar- you just put the thing in there, lid and all. Who does that?
Anyway, back to your ugly, old couch. It's so old, it makes your mother look young in comparison. Plus, it looks horrible- whose idea was it to put a floral pattern on a couch?
You're not going to get a new couch?
You're shitting me, right?
You're serious?!? You're not going to get a new one? But dude, those things are dirt cheap these days! You can even find some on the curbs! So you're seriously not going to get a new one. Wow. You are a cheapskate, my friend. That's why Jenny left you. Because you never spent any money. You say that you save your money, but where does it all go?
Listen man, I'll pay for the new couch. Besides, I still owe you for the five bucks I borrowed. Seriously, not even the roaches will go near that thing now. Plus, the smell is seeping through the walls and it's quite the turn off. My girlfriend won't come over anymore because of that stench, and because my car's broken down and she lives across town, I've had to exercise more. Remember Old Man Jenkins, who lived in the apartment across the hall? Well, he died unfortunately, and the authorities are beginning to suspect that you had something to do with it.
OK, man, it's been three weeks
Seriously. I'm not fucking kidding anymore. That thing is starting to decompose. I can't believe that you don't notice it. Forget about the cushion change man, your former sofa can kill you. Dead serious. Most people change sofas when they get too soft to sit in or their dog rips it up or normal things like that. But not you, you had to go the extra mile and let your sofa decompose. You're what they like to call "special".
I've tried offering to buy you a new one, I've tried bribes, I've even tried begging and doing you favors. Nothing works. My girlfriend is about to break up because everything I wear smells like that damn couch. Now her house smells like your couch. It ends today.
Steve, c'mon man. This couch is not something to be crying over. Sure, if it was something important, like a family heirloom or something. Don't start blubbering that it's something precious that you wanted for your kids; first off, who passes down a couch to their kids, and second, if you loved that couch so much, maybe you wouldn't have played around with it as often as you did.
Do-don't do this, man. You're making a scene. See, here comes the garbage man. He's going for the couch, he's lugging it into the back of the truck. See? Nothing bad happened. Everything's normal- oh, oh God.
JESUS CHRIST! Did you see that, man? Did you fucking see that? Your couch just murdered the garbage man! What the hell? Now it's getting into the truck and drivi- no, I'm not putting up with this anymore. This is madness. I'm going to take your couch out. No, not to dinner.
Quit your damned crying. What are you, five? I had to do it. It was what's best for all of us. Sure, your old couch is gone now, but you've got a new one that can't hurt anyone anymore. But look on the bright side! Your new black couch matches your hardwood flooring. Your old couch matched nothing in that apartment. Nothing.
Wait, what? Your life savings were in that couch? Bullshit. Wait, your remote control was in there? Shit! Why didn't you tell me? That's why you kept the couch, so you could find it? Oh, my God, I am so sorry. But at least it's not as bad as when I accidentally killed your ferret or ate your Haagen-Dazs. Sorry, man.
Wait, what are you doing? Is that- is that a chainsaw? Put it down, Steve! You can't throw worth shit anyway! In fact I'll bet you can't even hit me with that from where you're stan-
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