Why?:You Will Never Have a Chance in Hell With Her
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
I know what you're thinking; you want to be with that girl at school. The one who is so beautiful she appears to be like an angel, the one who would blind you if you look at her for long periods of time. Yeah, that one. I know you have a crush on her. I know you want to ask her out, make love, kiss, get married, make more love, have children, kick them out of the house, grow old together, die and be buried at the same cemetery together. Listen man, you and me are best friends, and I think, as a friend, that I should let you know something important: You Will Never Have a Chance in Hell With Her.
Now before you say something or start jumping on to conclusions (like you do 50% of the time I tell you things you don't like), I would like to explain my case, so please shut the fuck up and listen. And please calm down, you're over-exaggerating. Now, I'm not saying this because you are not cool or good-looking, skilless, don't have the balls to do so, not popular, have a bad car, or inferior, because we already know that all those things are true. I'm not saying this because I don't want you to have a good, happy life. (You won't anyway). I'm not saying this to be an ass. (It's just the truth.) And I'm not saying this to steal the girl you like. I'm saying this to save you from making a big mistake in your love life (or life in general. Although, your life's probably pathetic and worthless anyway. Let's not kid ourselves here.)
I know girls like her, and wasting your time on her will be completely pointless. You won't be able to have her as your girlfriend, or for her to even notice your existence. And even if she does become your girlfriend, you won't last long as a couple. She'll break your heart and have it crushed it to bite size pieces and have the ravens feast on them for supper, and your life will be miserable forevermore.
I see you don't understand what I'm trying to tell you, or even not paying attention at all. So you leave me with no choice: I will go further into detail and explain this to you like a teacher. You better get your ass back on that seat before I beat it back down. You were asking for it, so don't bitch, whine, or scream because you brought this upon yourself, so shut up and listen. Remember: It's for you own good.
You're not the only man in the world
That's right, you're not. There are like 8 billion people on this earth, and more than half that number are boys. You are nothing special to her, just another man in the crowd. That typically means that you may be different from all the other guys, but in her eyes you're just a same old regular boy.
And because you're not the only man in the world, you have to realize the fact that there are other guys out there who want her as well. And when a bunch of guys like one particular girl, it's an old-fashioned recipe for man-to-man conflict. You're going to have to be quick to get your objective, and well prepared to fight for her. Some girls have at least three to five guys interested in them, but you can handle that. She, however, has like two hundred guys interested in her, and among that crowd are some really tough guys who know how to pick a fight. Your karate skills will only defend you for some time, and there is the possibility that during your fight, someone would sneak behind you and the other guys and win the girl's heart, making your efforts completely worthless-like. Trust me, she's not worth the blood and broken bones.
She's rich and you're Poor.
Well, poor is a harsh way to explain your class status, so I'll just say 'a person with little money'. I don't think that helped at all, so I'll just get to the point. Some girls, including her, only like guys who have a buttload money in their pockets and drive in expensive sports cars. Yeah, there are stories of a rich and beautiful princess who falls in love and eventually marries a poor but kind-hearted peasant man; sometimes this applies to modern girls, especially religious ones, but keep in mind that these girls have hearts of pure kindness and selflessness. She, on the other hand, has a heart of pure bitchiness and selfishness. Heh, if she was a princess, she would ruled the Kingdom of the Spoiled Whores, with a total population of herself and her bitchy friends. No, I am not being a jackass; I'm being honest. Just because you like her does not mean everybody has to have your opinion, so please get your head out of your ass and let me finish what I'm trying to tell you.
Back to the subject, you might find it quite difficult to buy things for her. For example, if you were at her birthday party (if she ever invites you) and she wanted a $200 or $300 perfume, yet you only bought her a $80 perfume, you just gave her an ingredient to making a flamethrower. All it takes after that is a match, and the results of which force you to have to wear a face mask for about five months. In other words, people don't like it when people are cheap, especially women. Yeah, I know an $80 perfume isn't cheap, but it's cheap to rich girls.
And if that's not bad enough, try sitting at the same lunch table as her. Because our school likes to stereotype people, people eat at their designated lunch tables. You know how the lunch table system is; cool kids sit at the cool table, nerds sit at the nerds table, gangsters sit in the gangster table, and rednecks sit at the redneck table, which just happen to be a few feet of hunting rifle range from the gangster table, and so on.
People like her sit at the table known as either the popular table or the rich table, or a hybrid of both, in certain school lunch table systems. And if you're not rich, which you're not, nor invited to sit with them (that only happens if you're friends with one of them), you ain't going to last five seconds within 3 feet of the table. Of course, they are usually too weak to remove you by force, but that won't help you since they'll usually hire a big bodyguard, probably a former member of the U.S. Navy S.E.A.L.s (and who subsequently has skills that defy your karate skills), who would walk you to the way out.
She's very self-centered
No doubt that this is one of the most annoying traits a girl can have. Girls who only think about themselves are definitely people that you should avoid dating; no matter how attractive they are. Trust me, I know from experience, and it was not an enjoyable experience. It took me quite some time and much therapy to get over it. Even so, I still feel the emotional scars... why are you laughing? It may seem funny, but when it happens to you, it will be her who gets the last laugh.
Try to have a decent conversation with a girl that has such a trait is a real pain in the ass to do, as she would prefer to only about herself, her life, about her friends, about her problems, about her interest... well, you get the picture. Attempting to change the subject is virtually impossible, as she's clearly not interested in the lives of others and would make such a fuss that you'll want to walk in front of a running train. She doesn't even care about your sick little great grandmother! How bad is that? I'm telling you, if this is not what hell is going to be, I don't what is.
Being born in a wealthy and permissive family, she gets everything she asks for, and her parents never say no. She eats at very fancy restaurants, ones you've never even seen the inside of. So typically, anything she wants, she gets. Now here's the bad part of this; if she doesn't get what she wants, bad things are going to happen, but let's not go into the details. Being poor... er, I mean, of a lower class than her, some things that she wants are far beyond your reach. Seeing that you're too incompetent to buy the stuff she wants, she'll leave you faster than you could realize that she dumped you. Besides, you know how spoiled people are; they'll annoy you, and annoy you, and annoy you up to the point that you'll want to kill them or yourself. They'll keep nagging and nagging, and bitch if you refuse, and will never cease to annoy that snout out of you until you scream at the top of your lungs saying, "ALRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!!". Sure, you made her happy, but it came at the cost of you being pissed off for the rest of the day.
She wants diamonds but all you have is a nice marble that you found in your grandmother's drawer
To make a long story short, she likes jewelry. Expensive jewelry to be exact. The kind that should be in a museum. The kind that would make the Kings of Babylon feel poor. Yeah, that kind, and if you give her anything that is below that description even the least, it would make a fine decoration at the dump. Oh, and I know that look on your face; don't even think about buying her that kind of jewelry. Yea, don't worry, I remember that time you gave Susie that 0.25$ plastic ring and tried to tell her you stole it from the Queen of England. I don't care if you were only 7 when you did that, it didn't work then and it won't now! Now, since your mother is not a fan of wearing jewelry or any other kind of prada, the only thing you can find is a marble your grandmother gave you for your 16th birthday. You remember? The one I kept calling you a pussy for because you said it reminded you of "granny-mammy." Anyways, it was a nice marble indeed. Too bad she won't say the same thing. She won't be too happy if you gave that to her as a gift. That would send a wrong message, making her feel like you're treating her like an idiot, and would have the hounds chase you out of her sight. Yet if you give that to a tomboy, she would love it. Are you understanding what I'm getting at granny-boy?"
She likes cats and you like dogs
Girls like her prefer cats over dogs, due to their more mature nature and their cleanliness (or so they say). She finds them relaxing, cuddling, and the best sleep buddy to have at night. You, on the other hand, prefer man's best friend; the dog. You like them because of their ability to keep intruders out, as well as the it ability to sniff up a 2 day trail, especially bloodhounds, and always give a friendly welcome when you come home. Now, let's do the math... well, after seeing your last grade on your report card, I'll do the math. If you have a dog lover (you), and a cat lover (her), and you add them together, it will equal to the sum of complete conflict, according to the animal conflict theory. You don't even need to use a calculator to figure that out, unless of course you're either a blond haired guy or a occupant of a mental hospital.
I've seen many relationships become relationshits because of this. Every time an animal does something wrong, it always bound to start conflict. For example, she will start a fuss every time your dog digs holes in the back yard, forcing you to fill them back up. And you'll start a fuss every time the cat pees on the furniture, forcing her to kick you out of the house or sleep on the couch (even if it's been peed on by the cat). And there's the occasional "my pet is better than your pet" conflict. You how it goes; she'll go "cats keep me company, and doesn't wake the neighbors by barking" and you'll say "my dog can so tricks, won't scratch up the furniture, and keeps unwelcomed visitors out". And when it comes to paying bills, and you find out that you spend so much money on animal food that you'll state that to save money one of the animals must go. And if that's the case, one of you will also have to go; And I'm sure that it's not going to be her. Now tell me, is it really worth sharing a doghouse with your dog while she and here cat stay in a nice cozy home all to themselves? I wouldn't risk it, and neither should you.
I'm know I've been talking for quite a while. I can tell myself, as my jaw is starting to get tired and I feel a jaw cramp coming up. But I'm not done yet. Just one more section to cover. Don't fall asleep yet, or I'll pour cold water on your back.
Why You Two Won't Last Long Together
Now in the possibility that you two actually become a couple, it's best to know the reasons why that relationship will not be a long one. First off, her parents would have to approve of you, and knowing her parents, they aren't easy to please. For real, you have to get a background check and know what your IQ is and your plans in the future; and if you fail even one tiny bitesize thing, you can kiss that girl goodbye (although they won't let people they don't like touching their daughter as if she's being tainted by imperfection).
Secondly, she cares little for appearance and skills. Well, to tell you the truth, she does care very much for appearance and skills, but doesn't because her father is a dedicated socialist. Since we're on that particular subject, it's worth mentioning that her political views are way over your head, as it's a well known fact that all the guy cares about is who won the game last night, and that fits your description perfectly. Back to the subject at matter, you'll find it difficult, if not impossible, to get here interested in what you look like today (unless it's something she despises) or amaze her with the skills you know and learned, no matter how awesome you are in either subject. Girl's like her are far more interested in themselves and money, and they would make uninterested and/or unpleasant remarks towards you as you show off you looks and abilities. They include, but not limited to, the following:
- "Yeah, yeah, that's great, so anyways blah blah blah."
- "Umm, what does juggling chainsaws have anything to do with me?"
- "Unless the makeover is on my face, I'm not interested."
- "Ewwww! Baseball is such a dirty sport. People get all sweaty and dirty. I don't approve with either of the two. So disgusting!"
- "Yeah, you got a hair cut. Whoop-de-doo!"
- "Why would you waste time doing that when you could be texting me about me."
- "And I care how?"
- "Sure, whatever..."
- "I'll let you know when I start to care."
- "(sarcastically) Oh, wow! Congratulations! Let's throw a party! Have some cake! Hell, we should even give you the keys to the city!"
- "(ignores you completely)."
- "You wasted money on a dirtbike instead of buying me any cute expensive shoes or a new expensive purse?"
- "Yeah, you look different, can't talk now, gotta tell Jenny about what Rob did today."
I could go on, but if I did that it'll be the year 9000, but I think you get the point. At least, I hope so. Besides, do you really think you could really handle all that? By your facial expression, I can tell you can't. Perhaps you're now understanding about what I'm trying to keep from happening to you as it happened to those other fools.
Thirdly, there's the jealous admirers who want to get rid of you and take her for their own. Some of them would do it by using threats or violence; but that's not much of a big deal, as you could kick their ass with your karate skills. That is, until one dude buys a gun or hires an assassin to take you out, and be able to cover it up and make it seem like an accident, then you'll lose that girl for sure. Thirdly, and most importantly, if you don't know about the anatomy of a girl, you're screwed; not getting some screwed, I know this because of experience when, at the time, I didn't know where to find the clitoris. Despite countless hours of searching and searching on video's, I could not understand what all the fuss is all about. Then I got dumped by my ex-girlfriend when I thought it was an inch or so under her back-door. Course I kicked my self when I find out where it is. But it's pretty much my fault since I slept through sex education, and since you did that too, you'll likely make that same mistake that I made. Most girls may not give a hoot, but she ain't one of them.
Now that I got that cleared up
I hope you understand what I'm trying to save you from. She's just not worth the pain and suffering. Your life will not have an happy ending no matter what you do, even if you follow what the pro's do or using a wizard; it just won't work. There are plenty of other fish in the sea, and some even twice, or even twelve times as beautiful as she is, so just let this one go. Damn! Look at the time! Been here for awhile. Can I tell a story or what? So remember what I said and don't try to date this girl from hell. Instead, why don't you nice a nice emo girl? They're easier to get at least, yet can cause you misery and pain as well. But that will only happen if you don't follow the rules.
Hey man, did you follow what I said?
Well, did you? I hope to God you have, since I gave you a long discussion about it.
You have not, and your life sucks.
Tsk, tsk, can't say I didn't warn you. Why do you have to be so hard headed that you cannot even listen to a friend's... let me rephrase that, BEST friend's advice? I really would like say I told you so, but I'm going to be nice and not make you feel anymore worst than you are currently. If you got the time, I think reading this guide that I found in a waiting room for break up therapy would cheer you up, and once you do that, try to avoid making the same mistake again. Ok? Ok. Hugs.
But I bloody-well told you so.
What? I didn't say anything. Maybe you should go check your hearing; it would seriously help you listen to your friends better and keep you out of trouble.
You have, and you're living a great life.
Wonderful! You're the man! I know it was a hard thing to do, but it'll spare you the misery and depression. I'm glad you actually listened for once; I'll give you a reward for such a feature of obedience and wisdom. And don't worry; as I said before. there's plenty of fish in the sea, and you'll one day reel in that special someone. And by the looks of your face and the fact that you're looking elsewhere, it seems you just did just right now. That was fast. Now let's see her... Oh her.
Well you're in luck; other than the fact she's no softy when in bed she's seems reasonable. So why don't you start at it? She will definitely get your mind off that other girl, and this girl lacks any traits that the other girl had. Run, run to her! That's the spirit! Go get 'em tiger! What a man, what a man. Though it's hard to believe he actually found a hot chick to score with. It just simply blows my mind. Speaking of girl, time for me to go find me one. This time I'll know where the clitoris is.