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This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's?
Last night was a fairly decent one for you. You had your best aftershave on, you were wearing your expensive and loose fitting jeans, and you attained a level of intoxication that would allow you to pull any woman and not feel like you were taking advantage of her. You brushed our teeth for once and your dance moves were once again irresistable to the opposite sex. So ask yourself... Why didn't you pull last night?
Your First MistakeEdit
Your aftershave. The idea of aftershave is that you apply it after shaving, (that's not to say the rugged "haven't-shaved-in-days" look doesn't turn on most women) but when you dowse yourself from head-to-toe in that cheap supermarket value-for-money crap, and your 'rugged manly look' has reached trampesque proportions, you are not likely to be getting, or turning heads. Even if the aftershave was used sparingly, the overpowering scent of chav is not particularly pleasing to the nostrils anyway. Most women automatically assume that if you insist on so much aftershave, you must be covering some serious B.O.
Your Second MistakeEdit
Your expensive and oh so loose-fitting jeans. They may be expensive, they may even look alright if you wore them a little low. But when you have to keep hitching them up every few seconds to stop it looking like you've just been kegged, and the buttons on your crotch are not only visible, but so is the outline of your shaft, then this may be the point you should consider wearing a belt next time you're out. Letting the women know that you wear ASDA's own brand underwear before they are taking them off is not a turn on. Even if your name is George.
Your Third MistakeEdit
Your level of intoxication. Sure, you weren't sick in anyone's lap (from what you remember) which is rule number one. But just because no vomit came out your mouth doesn't mean lots of other shit didn't come out of there during the night. Do you even remember talking to that really attractive lass at the bar for half an hour? The deep conversations, cheeky smiles and witty banter? The one you were necking pints of Stella to impress, because you thought her name was Stella? Yeah, that's the girl that took a shining to you, and politely recoiled as you started spitting at her in your drunken mess. There is a fine line between not taking advantage, and being sober enough to not be spitting at her and talking about how your mate has a 19 inch schlong but no ballsack.
Your Fourth MistakeEdit
Your, "dancing". Turning heads while dancing in the club was not necessarily as good a thing as you originally thought. You were neither 'sexy' nor a good dancer. Flailing your arms around in some kind of similarity to the beat of the song and pumping your shoulders furiously does not count as a dance move. And for future reference, it is not a great idea to broadcast these 'dance moves' in the dancing cage where everyone can see you. Not only did your 'potential pulls' stare and laugh, but your confidence in your ability to dance was only heightened by having all eyes on you. And look at yourself; you don't deserve to be confident.
Your Fifth MistakeEdit
Your idea of brushing your teeth before going out was not in itself a bad one. In fact, if you have the confidence in your own ability to swap spit with a perfect stranger, it is probably recommended. But when you consider it a chore, rather than something you just do, it is likely that one brush will not repair seven years of chain-smoking and binge drinking. You tramp.
Your Sixth, Yes, SIXTH MistakeEdit
Wearing a really tight T-shirt and no antiperspirant. We've already covered the fact that your B.O. problems were noticeable even with all the aftershave you wore last night, but without the antiperspirant you were literally broadcasting your sweaty pits to everyone. When the crappy DJ from the local radio station told you to, "Put your hands up", you should have politely declined and supped your pint.
The idea that you even need an explanation as to why you were unable to even hit the woodwork, never mind score last night is beyond me. Not only should you never leave the house again, but never talk to women again until you employ some sort of daily routine in personal hygiene. And please, dear God, pluck that monobrow. Hopefully the mistakes pointed out in this article are taken into consideration next time you decide to go 'out on the pull', but even if they are, you fashion sense is pretty bad anyway, and you're not particularly attractive are you, <insert name here>