In case you didn't know, all whales are evil, and should be nuked. I know you've heard all those Goddamn hippies: "Oooh, the whales should be saved, and look at me, I wear sandals and live in a guitar case, oooohh!" They'll put up a good fight, so if this effort fails we should at least get the whales off the regular endangered species list and onto Danger Mouse's List of Dangerously Endangered Species Lists For Seagoing Mammals That Should Be Attacked Via Nuclear Strike Lists. Oh, and we should nuke the dolphins, too, but that's for another article. Nuke the whales!
What have the whales ever done for us?
First of all, what have the whales ever done for us? Has a whale ever saved you from anything bad? Have you ever come home after a hard day's work to find that a whale has made you breakfast? No, never.
We should also nuke the whales because they are plotting against us in a handful of sinister ways. For starters, they eat sailors, and sometimes even real people, too. They also eat boats. Not those really small, dingy boats either. For example, you know the Titanic? It didn't sink because it hit an iceberg. Come on, icebergs between the UK and the US? What am I, retarded? The only logical explanation would be the whales eating it.
Lastly, those damn sea-mammals are eating all of our fish. The fish were put in the sea by Jesus for humans to eat, not whales. Don't believe me, ask him. Jesus, I mean. Ask Jesus about it. It being the fish. They're for humans. The fish, I mean, not the whales or Jesus. Seriously, just ask Him. Do it! Do it now! Before it's too late!
Why the Hippies are Wrong
If whales are so great, how come they haven't learned to breathe underwater like all the other fish in the sea, huh? They've had 40 million years to do it! This shows that whales are either "slow," or pure evil.
Many people think whales are cute, but they are not. Whales are fat and ugly, taking up valuable ocean space with their fat, blubbery asses. Sure, whales can be all pretty when they jump out of the water, but can they build a giant underwater network of plasmatunnels, quasiholes, and quantum reactors? I think not.
If, for some reason, things go terribly wrong and the whales avoid our barrage of nukes, or (dare I say it?) they become the ones with the nukes, we must come up with alternative uses for the fat bastards. How, exactly, can we utilize these blubbery devils? We must do one of two things:
- One of two: Utilize the whales' amazing water drinking capacity to prevent sea levels from rising due to the blatantly false "Global Warming". This can be accomplished by placing the whales in special pens, patrolled by whaling boats, manned people who have been traumatized by the evil whales' attempts to eat their arms and legs. These boats full of lame Captain Ahab ripoffs will make sure that the whales drink almost exclusively water, giving them only enough human blood to survive. Oh yeah, whales survive on human blood, did you know that? They do.
- Things: Genetically engineer whales to enable them to breathe under water, in the atmosphere, under water, in space, and under water so they can fulfill the role given to them by Jesus as methods of intergalactic travel. Upon these space-tastic whales, we will ride into a brighter tomorrow. Unless we can nuke them, that is.
Honestly, what are whales useful for, if not these? Other than for practicing nuke-aiming, I'd guess not very much.
Why a nuke?
Lets face it, the whales have had far too long to plan as it is. By this point, they probably already have minor force-fields to shield themselves against wimpy conventional bombing runs. We could reinstate whaling, but then Kansas would make us all look bad. Yes, the whales have been plotting since 1939, and they think that they've thought of everything. But they're wrong! The whales have failed to notice our new catastrophic weapon, the nuke. We must use this to our advantage and blow the damn things out of the water. If we don't, more and more people will be eaten by whales. Then, the whales will gain dominance of earth, and make the few human survivors their underwater sex-slaves! And would you want to spend the rest of your life having sex with a whale? No, I didn't think so.
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We must nuke the whales! Swimming mammals are an abomination. Free the seas for fish, plankton, and other non-whale objects! If the whales are not nuked, they will eat the children, and who wants dead children on their conscience? Apparently, the damn hippies do, since they want to save the whales. Remember: Fuck the hippies, nuke the whales!