Why?:Jesus is a Myth
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
| Why? |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's?
The Jesus myth has been absolutely proven, time and again, as shown by Earl Doherty, our Divine Guide from No-Heaven.
Who was this Jesus? To those stupid xians, he was the “son of god” who was insane enough to come down from his sky-home and die for mankind’s “sins”. Well, to intelligent people like me, who do all their research and who have absolute knowledge on this subject, Jesus was a purely mythical character who didn’t even exist! What’s that you say? Most scholars think he did exist? Ha! That’s like saying that if most people think the sun revolves around the earth, it must be true! Nonsense, right? Well it’s the same with your precious “scholars,” who are biased against great ideas like mine anyway! Eh? You say the facts show he existed? Fool! I’ll show you better!
So let’s start out with mythology, the strongest argument against Jesus’ existence. There are several myths from which it is obvious the xianity borrowed its retarded ideas, such as the story of Mithras. Mithras was also born of a virgin, he also worked miracles, had twelve followers, died for the good of humanity, and was resurrected! Sound familiar? Same thing happened to Jesus, right? So this proves that xianity was copied from Mithras! There are hundreds of other myths too…Osiris, Baal, Beddru (
who didn't exist), Zoroaster, Dionysus…you name it, we got it! How could Jesus be a historical figure if there were so many myths he got borrowed from? Another piece of evidence that has been found to disprove Jesus’ existence is a gem depicting the crucifixion of Orpheus! This absolutely proves that Jesus’ death was a mere copy of a myth! For more information see the incredibly well-researched books The World’s Sixteen Crucified Saviors by genius Kersey Graves and The Christ Conspiracy by Acharya S.
Of course, xians and “bible scholars” love to cite references to their precious Jesus by a few rare historians! So let’s take a look at these guys. The one most commonly cited is a Jewish crack named Josephus. Josephus wrote a big long annals on Jewish history, but we won’t go into all that since it has nothing to do with this topic. Josephus supposedly refers to Jesus in his silly “Testimonium Flavium,” where he talks about a “wise man” named Jesus (probably one of the many Jesuses), who worked miracles, condemned to crucifixion and started the xian movement. Are we to take this seriously? OF COURSE NOT! Much of this was added later by an xian scribe. Take, for example, the phrase “He was the Messiah.” INSANITY! No historian would’ve said such a stupid thing! This is an obvious interpolation, and it means without a doubt that everything else Josephus said was altered and edited beyond reckoning, therefore we can’t trust anything he says.
Now of course, there’s also a Roman “historian” named Tacitus who supposedly “confirms” Jesus’ existence in his Annals. But does it really? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Tacitus was probably just another xian posing as a Roman historian who was in on the conspiracy to control people’s lives through this lie of a religion. Either that or he was extremely gullible and believed anything those fools of xians told him. So his statement is also discredited! “Oh, but what about the other secular writers who referred to Jesus?” the xian might ask. The two most important ones are Josephus and Tacitus, and since they’re now discredited none of the others matter!
Xians used to think the sun revolved around the earth. And of course, when Galileo showed this fraud, he was excommunicated!! That shows how unscientific and fraudulent the church is, so now of course they must be wrong about EVERYTHING! Just look at the junk they believe. Young-earht creationism?? GEEZ!! Every competent scientist will tell you how radiometric dating* has proven the earth is at least a zillion or so years old!! This furthermore proves that the bible is a load of trash and nothing it says can be trusted, therefore, Jesus must not have existed!!
Now let’s go on to another devastating attack: the bible contradicts itself BILLIONS of times! Let’s just go through a couple of examples… In Leviticus, god is telling ole’ Moe which animals are clean and which are unclean. He lists several birds. Guess who’s included in the list? The BAT! C’mon, everyone knows the bat is a MAMMAL, not a BIRD! If god can’t even get something like this straight, he must not be omniscient and therefore he doesn’t exist and Jesus didn’t exist either!! Let’s look at a few more…the Bible says in Genesis 2 that god created the animals BEFORE man, then later on it says that he created them AFTERWARDS!! Obviously nothing this precious “god” says can be trusted!
So here you have it, my death-blow to the xian faith! First of all, we have a “son of god” who shares so many mythological parallels it’s hilarious! Then we have a couple of fraudulent “historians,” not to mention the many historians who DIDN’T mention him! Geez, you’d think an important person such as this would be mentioned by EVERY historian around at that time, but he isn’t! Why should we take him seriously, and furthermore why should we give up pornography, pre-marital sex, abortions, homosexuality and pansexuality and money-worshipping for him? Xianity is the craziest, most insane religion out there, and none of their precious “scholars” will even pay attention to these great ideas of mine! Well my case is airtight and proven. No doubt it will be disregarded by “scholars,” but that will just show you how afraid they are of my ideas! So there!