Ah, Saturday morning. As you walk outside, you see it's very sunny out, not a cloud in the sky. The newspaper boy hasn't thrown the paper into your pelvic region again, and you're in your favorite robe with cute little kittens on it. To top it off, your nagging wife isn't even awake yet. Today is perfect until you notice one thing: a giant fucking sperm whale is about to crash into your house.
Okay, a sperm whale with wings? That's new.Edit
| Why? |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's?
I have to agree with you on that one. Not that you should be surprised about seeing a flying sperm whale. You know, in this universe, anything can happen. What most likely happened here is a large bird such as an eagle had sex with a sperm whale, causing this abomination to be created. Hey, this stuff happens all the time, just look at Bigfoot, he was created by a mountain hiker having sex with a gorilla.
Unless this has to do with the End of the World. Another likely possibility, with us coming closer to the dreadful date of 2012. In this situation, the saying "when pigs fly" is taken very far. And it only makes sense that it would crash into houses as well. Not really, it's still a flying whale after all. It could always be God's Creation. The less we know about what happened when God created that thing, the better.
The only other plausible reason is Fucking Insanity. Well, it seems pretty obvious. you may have gone officially insane. I mean, it isn't too unlikely. It was just yesterday when you went on EverQuest, and you soon started saying rather strange things in public like "STFU, noob!", or "DESU!!" all the time. So why can't you be so insane as to imagine a flying violent sperm whale? It's probably all in your head, ya paranoid!
So then why does it have to be my house?Edit
God's Pissed. This may be very likely. God may very well be pissed at you for committing a sin. It may have been when you shoplifted from Wal-Mart, or when you stole that candy from a baby. Most likely though, God was pissed because you killed your neighbors. You were warned. In fact, I even remember telling you that He is watching. But, hey ho, you didn't listen to the Commandments when God said "You shall not kill" and now God is so angry that he has decided to launch a flying sea creature at your house. That is a deadly sin after all.[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much] Anyway, God was so angry that he decided to launch a flying sea creature at your house. Sucks to be you.
Either that or you just have a lot of Bad Luck. You must be the unluckiest fucking guy in the world if a chance is a case for this situation. First, your house is only 600 square feet, which is like a medium-sized hut. Second, your house is in the middle of the nowhere, Kansas. The sperm whale could have landed anywhere else, but it chose your house. Again, sucks to be you.
How do I escape, damn it!!Edit
Oops, I can't help you on that. See HowTo:Escape Being Obliterated by a Flying Sperm Whale. Wait, it doesn't exist, really sorry. I would suggest getting out of ground zero before a 1000 tons of blubber obliterate you. Because this thing is only about 60 feet from destroying your house.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!Edit
You quickly run into your house and go try to wake up your whore of a wife. wait, you decide to let her die. Instead, you grab your prized possessions: your laptop, wallet, PSP, and a shirt saying "I survived being attacked by a Flying Sperm Whale". Unfortunately for you, you'll never get to wear it because as soon as you open the door...
So you're dead ...I do find it bizarre that in your last few moments of life before that large nautical mammal impact you went on the internet to discover the root cause of your predicament, rather than, say, run for your life. Maybe next time a flying sperm whale is about to crash into your house you will get your priorities right.