Why?:Is Karl Sanders Fat
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If you don't know already, Karl Sanders is the founder, guitarist, lyricist, and one of the vocalists of the heavy metal band Nile. He also has another music project that is entirely instrumental. Karl is widely acknowledge for his amazingly fast guitar riffs, solos, and exetremely low-pitched vocals. It's just amazing how his fat fingers are able to play his guitar. Not only does he play guitar, he also plays some sort of strange, queer Egyptian acoustic instrument. Whatever it is, it's mind blowingly gay.
Causes of Karl's Obesity
- One of the main causes of Karl's "epic proportions" is the arsenal of guitars made of candy. The candy used to construct his custom teeth rotting, diabetes inducing guitars are made mostly of jolly ranchers. Here is a list of the sweets used to make Karl's weapon of choice, specifically designed to make your ears bleed and urge you for the sweet relief of suicide from that God-awful racket called Nile:
- As you already know, the body and neck of his guitars are made of jolly ranchers.
- The strings of his unholy, fattening device are constructed of twizzlers.
- The tuning knobs are made of peppermints. For custom knobs he uses spearmints.
- Pickups that are used in his guitar are usually made of some sort of chocolate bar. These chocolate bars give him the ability to create the "brown note".
- Another cause that led to the inevitable conjuring of the blonde behemoth was Karl himself. Unable to get along with various band members and unable to find a solution to this problem, Karl turned to his first thought that most people would only consider a last resort. He ate them. Yeah, thats right, he fucking ate them. Karl's diet consists of about 17 bassists a month. Of course that's when his strategic reserve of candy guitars had been depleted.
- Yet another major factor of this god-devouring deity is his childhood. After years of child abuse he eventually descended into an abyss of mental instability. In summary: He was abused to retardedness. He was then admitted to the Kennedy Krieger Institute for Adults with Down Syndrome where later met Chief Spires and created Nile.
- 5 minutes of walking time is approximately 9 months of time to Karl. This is due to his immense size, causing any kind of movement to be exhausting and extremely dangerous for our blonde-haired behemoth. This is worsened when Karl is subjected to a lack of food and beer.
Karl and Nile
Karl's gigantism has made quite the impact on Nile, probably because he weighs a lot and if something heavy hits the water it makes a large impact.
Karl's obesity has inspired many, if not all of Nile's Lyrics. Songs such as "The Burning Pits of the Duat" actually refer to Karl's stomach. The pit represents Karl's stomach and the burning represents the hunger he feels when he hasn't feasted on anything for a few minutes. Other examples of songs associated with his obesity include:
- Sacrifice Unto Sebek: A song that depicts fans at a Nile concert who desperately needed a solution to Karl's hunger after he became enraged from going longer than 5 minutes without beer. The crowd then choose someone to be sacrificed to appease the behemoths hunger. Karl devoured the person in a matter of seconds and then proceeded to write a song about it.
- Opening of the Mouth: This song is a reference to Karl simply opening his mouth and just letting anything that doesn't move out of the way become a light snack for this behemoth.
- Lashed to the Slave Stick: Often times during live concerts Karl will take the twizzler strings off his guitar and beat their bassist until he volunteers to be Karl's next meal. Usually most bassists in Nile agree to becoming food even if they have not been whipped by delicious, low fat candy as many Nile band members hate their own music and wish to commit suicide.
- Churning the Maelstrom: It's not often for Karl to have an unholy, foul, and putrid case of gas. When he does, he writes a song about it. Churning the Maelstrom refers to the gas Karl must endure after eating one to many candy-made guitars.
- Laying Fire Upon Apep: Fire is hot sauce and Apep is one of Nile's former bassists.
- Eat of the Dead: Oh come on Karl, that's just gross.
Impact of Karl's Obesity on the Community
You think a tank moving at 60 miles an hour can stop Karl? Nonsense. Would the earth rotate and stay in orbit if Karl's weight wasn't keeping this planet from spinning off its axis. Of course not. Do you think your safe in your room at night sleeping? Is it possible Karl won't devour you during your much needed rest? WRONG. The impact that Karl has on everyone is similar to his girth, large and intimidating. Have you ever read a book by Dean Koontz? Yeah, Karl's influence is that bad. So bad that it's terrifying and horribly unimaginable. Over the years Karl's horrible taste in music and superfluous, gluttonous eating habits have inspired many young and youthful metalheads to become like their metal role model. That role model is, unfortunately, Karl Sanders. Unknown to many, the actual cause of the increasing threat of obesity in the U.S. is Karl Sanders. A recently conducted study showed that people who sat next to Karl had a 37% gain in cholesterol. Subjects that were "exposed" to Karl showed long term side-effects such as increase in weight, writing horrible music, and suicidal tendencies. One subject showed rare signs of hair loss. This unwanted hair loss is called DTWSS: a short abbreviation for "Dallas Toler-Wade Skullet Syndrome".