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So you want to invade the Falklands, eh? Want to restore the glory of the British Empire when tea was cheap and the Chinese knew their place? Well, before you can take such a large step into global imperialism, we should first go over the history of the Falklands.
The Falklands are a series of small islands, or archipelago as those of you with fancy college-degrees may call it. It contains 776 small islands and two big islands known as West Falkland and East Falkland, another example of British creativity in name-calling. The islands were colonized by the French in 1764, and like most French territory during that time, it was taken by the British when they weren't looking.
However, the British soon left to get a cup of tea and in order to save their seat on the island, left a colorful plaque on their fort door to let strangers know that the British would be back "whenever," and to, "Leave a message at the Beep and we'll get back to you as soon as we can. BEEEEP." Later, Spanish settlers decided to... um... settle on the islands, but soon became bored by the lack of women and football games. The Spanish then decided to go and search for the British in order to request a quick football game, but instead found the British plaque on the door. The Spanish decided to go back to Europe to search for the British and left their own plaque on their fort door to let the British know that, "We were looking for you. Please call when you get this message." The British never did call, but they did return to the islands in 1833. They created the capital of Stanley, presumably named after the only person in England who was willing to take care of the island in case the British needed to leave again.
The islands would serve as a pivotal role in World War I during what became known as the Battle of the Falkland Islands. The conflict, which consisted of unusually large number of British ships taking on a smaller German force, was hailed as a decisive factor in the German defeat in 1918 and also as another example of British ingenuity and creativity in name-calling. Only the greatest of empires would have thought to insert the name of the lands where the fight took place, after the words "The Battle of." The British populace cheered the victory for over 5 days, while everyone else struggled to find the Falkland Islands on a map.
We now go to April 2nd, 1982. Argentina, the South American country that exports football players, military juntas and bananas, has invaded the Falklands Islands, capturing its 3 inhabitants and 4 sheep. Britain must now decided if they should retaliate with a counter-offensive that is "sure to fail," amidst an economic crisis, unemployment and the election disaster of Margaret Thatcher. We now go among the numerous groups of patriots vying to get Britain involved in this conflict...
Why Invade The Falklands?
The Falklands belong to Britain anyway, so it's not an invasion, more of a homecoming. We only left to get a cup of tea. Did you not see the colourful plaque we left on their front door saying we'd be "back whenever"? Those islands are rightfully ours. We even named them for Christ's sake; West Falkland and East Falkland. You tell me those names aren't classically British in their sterile practicality.
You cannot possibly tell me that Britain shouldn't re-take these lands, they belong to us after all. Thus it is the opinion of the entire British Navy and its members that Britain should retaliate and re-take the Falkland Islands!
...Assuming we ever find out where it is...Unfortunately, it's been so long since Britain needed anything from the Falklands that we seem to have forgot where we put them. Didn't we leave them by those India fellows? Hmm, oh! There it is-no, wait...that's Madagascar. They can't be that far from us, can they? Well, nevertheless, when we find out where we misplaced those islands, rest assured that the British Navy is more than prepared to re-take British territory. In one fatal swoop, our aircrafts will wipe out all those Argentinian monkeys as they flee from our trusty carriers right here-wait, where are they? Thomas you idiot, you forgot to anchor our ship! Stop it, it's going into sea! Someone, jump in and pull the emergency brake! Oh shit...my lunch was on board...
Reason 2: The British Army Said So
Yes, we damn well did say we should invade the Falklands Islands and we stand by that initiative. Has everyone in England forgotten how powerful the British army is? I mean come on, we ruled over half the globe in our prime and sure, we were fighting with guns against people who had only recently discovered fire, but the details aren't important! The fact of the matter is, the British army and its marines are more than prepared to re-take the lands utilizing the ancient tactics of surprise attacks and confusion techniques. We even have all the schematics and plans drawn up with colorful pins and arrows! Look, first we'll pile drive all our men into Stanley as quietly as our 7,000 ton ships and drunk Scots Guards will let us, then we'll re-take Goose Green, after which we'll march in a circle to confuse the enemy and even ourselves if we have too. Then we'll take San Carlos and go back to Goose Green to make 100% sure we took it already and then back to Stanley, where we'll get back on the boats, go in a circle three times and then go counter-clockwise two times to make sure we've confused every possible person within a 20 miles radius, land back at Stanley, paradrop ourselves onto San Carlos, re-visit Goose Green to absolutely, without-out a doubt, make sure we've already been there and killed its Geese population or the Argentinians, whichever fired at us first. We will then go to ever house in Stanley and have a cup of tea with the inhabitants, after which we will do the same in San Carlos and maybe Stanley again. Not Goose Green though, everyone will probably be dead after our third trip there to make sure we took it back.
What do you mean you don't understand the plan? We know what we're doing dammit, the arrows don't lie! Forget it, we don't have to prove ourselves to you, the British army always knows what it's doing. Sure, we may take unnecessary routes and measures, but that's because we want to confuse the enemy so they can't follow us. Sure, our men may get confused too, hell, even our generals, but it's worth it dammit! Now leave, our soldiers have to prepare for the invasion in time before the navy gets here-What? What do you mean the navy lost their carriers?? They forgot to anchor them?... Jesus Christ...
Reason 3: The British Labour Party Said So
And when has the Labour Party ever steered this country wrong? NEVER! That's when! It's time for Britain to re-claim what is rightfully ours and since international law prevents us from crushing those ungrateful Indian bastards, we may as well take back the next best thing! The Falkland Islands! If we don't stop other nations from claiming 'self-determination' and 'historic' claim to British lands, British imperialism will quickly fade away until our great empire is nothing more than a cotton factory on a hill in Glasgow. Is that what you anti-war, communist sons of bitches want to happen to England, huh?!?!?
For weeks all we've heard is, "But why do we need the Falkland Islands? Why waste British lives over a desolate rock with little use?" You want to know why? Because we need the sheep, alright?! If there's one thing Britain is famous for, it's our cotton and where do you think Britain gets that cotton, huh?! SHEEP YOU BASTARDS, SHEEP!! Do you think cotton grows on trees, huh?!?!... what's that? It does?... What do you mean it's wool that comes from sheep? Of course I bloody well know what I'm talking about you bastards!
We need to invade the Falklands, pure and simple! We simply cannot let the Argentinians think that they have the upper hand! First it'll be the Falkands, then we'll lose the Virgin Islands and I'm not talking about the American Virgin Islands, I'm talking about the British Virgin Islands! Imagine what will happen if we lose the Virgin Islands, dear god just imagine! Where else would we get our virgins because I know damn well that VIRGINS DON'T GROW OUT OF TREES. IF THEY DID, I'D BE THE FIRST ONE TO BECOME A VIRGIN PLUCKER! I'D PICK OUT ALL THOSE VIRGINS AND NOT JUST ANY VIRGINS, I'D PICK THE BEST KIND, THE RIPE ONES THAT ARE JUST READY FOR-WHAT?!?! WHY ARE YOU DISTURBING ME DURING MY RANT TO PARLIAMENT?!?!....What do you mean there are some officers who need to talk to me?...
Reason 4: Margaret Thatcher Said So
And when has Margaret That...well, when hasn't she lead the country wrong? NEVER! Not yet, at least! Anyways, here to discuss her views about why we should invade the Falklands is none other than David Camero-I mean, Margaret Thatcher! Haha, we don't even know who David Cam-whatever is, this is only 1981 after all, haha....MARGARET THATCHER EVERYONE!
Margret Thatcher Good evening my fellow British people. You may have heard that Britain has just been attacked by the vicious members of the country of Argentina. Not only have we been attacked, but we have lost one of Britain's most prized possessions, the Falklands Islands. You may be asking, "Where the hell are these Falklands Islands? Rest assured, my ministers on well on their way to locating the exact location of this great and most valuable territory. Nevertheless, it is time for Britain to react and crush the outside invaders who threaten Britain's borders. We must now-I'm sorry? It seems we may have found the location of said Islands....no, no that's Madagascar....Do not worry my loyal English people, we shall persevere and locate the whereabouts of these important islands. When we do, I will make sure to restore British sovereignty over that region. Sure, we have mass unemployment, the economy is going down and everyone besides my mother and Ronald Reagan hates me, but do not despair, for I shall lead this country to greatness and victory against Argentina, even though I've cut the military budget to the point where we can't even afford a fishing boat. Thank you, and god speed.
And There You Have It
It seems that the attempts of the British government were not in vain as the might of the British army are being prepared to be sent to the Falklands Islands, which in a recent poll, is believed to be located somewhere between Russia and Chile. Our superior British intelligence will soon discover the exact location of the islands and are fully prepared to attack the Argentinian invaders. In a surprising turn of events, even the 22nd Sheep Brigade of Northern Scotland have joined the fight and are prepared to attack the Argentinian soldiers' ankles. Surely with such support, the British army will not fail and will not falter! God save the Queen!