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I know what you're thinking: But sir, you say in a thick English accent, Unicorns are so rare and beautiful! Well let me tell you something Buster Brown, unicorns are worthless, and you'll see that by the end of the article. This message is brought to you by the Fearless Unicorn Cappers... Association... Well, WE thought it was a good name... Founded in 1889 by an intrepid group of explorers, we are determined to bring those damn bastard unicorns back into line. Unicorns should be pulling our grocery carts and milling our wheat... not milling our hearts. Remember our motto: We're Unicorn FUCAs. Hey, it's the best motto we could come up with on our budget.
| Why? |
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Dear God, Why?
It's not easy to kill a unicorn. From far away, and even from up close, unicorns are real pretty n' shit. But if you know unicorns like I do, you would have a real problem with em. FUCA we need a new name has been recruiting people to our cause for a century with a list of complaints we have against unicorns, a book of recipes, a map of unicorn hideouts, and a list of reasons to hunt unicorns in the first place.
The most important reason to want to bring down one of these creatures is for the horn. There are alot of different theories on what the horn is filled with, but I can tell you right now, it's gotta be worth something. If you tear the horn off the unicorn's head, and sprinkle it all over the place, you'll be able to fly. This is because those horns are chock fulla fairy dust. And, like any bone, it will probably be filled with bone marrow, which can create new blood cells. If you're dying of leukemia, or anything at all, I guarantee that Unicorn Marrow will take care of it. I bet it can solve ugliness, diabetes, poor grammar... hell, anything at all! I would even bet that if you "open up" a unicorn horn, some kind of genie could pop out... grant you some of those wishes you've been needing. But there could be another prize inside: a Unicorn horn could have the best item in the universe packed away in there. Now, I'm not exactly sure what that could be, but whatever is inside a Unicorn horn is gonna be pretty f*cking amazing! It would be a combination of all the other great things in the universe: sex, cookies, a mother's love, respect, double neck guitars, video games, everything! Have I convinced you? No? Let's move on, then.
The most succulent part of the unicorn is the blood.
Often I find myself in the Forbidden Forest on a cold, dark evening, savoring every drop, letting it run down my chest while I laugh... woooh, slow down man, take it easy. I'm glad you didn't see that. Got kinda weird. Unicorn blood is silver in color, and is useful in many alchemy potions including the ones for invisibility, those heart candies they sell at Valentine's, chocolate milk mix, and the one for immortality (but you have to have gallons and gallons of it).
- Tastes great: Unicorn blood tastes like a combination of booze, cake, ice cream, root beer, pineapple juice, sauerkraut, mustard... mmmm... everything you love and cherish.
- Good for you: Unicorn blood is the healthiest thing you can consume ever. If only we could bottle this stuff, we'd be rich you and I.
- Moms Agree: They ALL agree. How rare is that? I asked 'em, and they all agreed. Dude.
The Challenge Of It
The seduction of the hunt for a unicorn is that they're clever. Some of them even speak English! Not like those stupid deer, or those dumb squirrels, or those damned gorillas. Unicorns have special powers that make the hunting of them all the more interesting.
- High IQ: Recent tests of unicorns have proven that they have a significantly higher IQ than even most people.
- Speak English: Unicorns can pass high school equivalency exams for English speakers.
- Masters of Disguise: Unicorns obviously can hide very well. Why do you think we've never seen them?
- Aint slouches: Unicorns are pretty badass, and therefore should prove quite an interesting hunt.
Unicorns Think They're Better Than You
Unicorns think they're so god damned amazing. Well, I'll tell you what you have that unicorns don't: a sense of decency. We humans cover our horns at all times, sir, and don't you forget it. But while we're at it, how specifically do unicorns think they're better than you?
- Magnificent: Okay, they got us there. They are magnificent: when was the last time someone painted a weird picture of you?
- Adorable: Not as cool as "magnificent," but again, they got us. I don't see YOU being made into a beanie babie any time soon.
- Magical: Yeah, okay, they win. They can basically make your deepest wish come true by licking themselves in your general direction!
- Hot: Well, who doesn't want to look at uniporn every once in a while? That only proves that they think they're better than you. Is there a <insert name here>porn? I didn't think so.
- Better than you: Just because they're better than you, does that mean that they can think they're better than you? What sense does that make? That dog won't hunt, montsignor!
Unicorns Are Bad People
It may be hard to believe at first, but Unicorns are the reason a lot of bad things happen to you. If you can't explain it, it was probably unicorns.
- Missing Socks: I know it's cliche, but I saw one. I saw a unicorn taking my god damned sock right in front of me. I know where that bastard lives, too! He popped back into the washing machine when I turned my back!
- Your Failure: I know that the reason I keep getting passed over for promotions is cuz of unicorns! It's just a big ol honkin' conspiracy of unicorns. I bet at lunch they take off their human costumes and laugh at me! After I kill 'em all, I'm gonna have fun with their horns (and I mean that in the least sexual way possible).
- Global Warming: Okay, hear me out. The damn unicorns have used the socks and their managerial power to make the world warmer. They collected all the socks into a giant ball to gather the static electricity. THEN when the time is right, they use their connections to shoot it into f'in space, where it f*cks up the atmosphere!
- JFK Assassination: Dude. You know it's true.
- Iraq War: The Iraq War is truly strange, but the one question everyone is asking is, why did we go in? I'll tell you the answer: unicorns made us. They hypnotized us, like they always do. Those bastards deserve to be mounted on my trophy case (and I mean that in the least sexual way possible).
- Broken Promises: Remember all the fanciful dreams you had when you were a kid? You wished unicorns would come to your birthday party and beat the shit out of that kid that was messing up the party for everyone? It didn't come, did it... you unicorn-loving pansy...