Why?:Does it burn when I pee
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Just when life was getting good you have suddenly found yourself wondering, Why does it burn when I pee? It's a tough situation because I know what you're thinking: "I've been going to all the right parties, meeting all the right people, sharing all the right needles, and working hard to prevent Deadly Semen Build-Up. Sure I've been having trouble figuring out whose crusty mattress I've been waking up on, but in my crowd we call that 'Saturday'."
Not to fret, my friend, because you've come to the right place. We'll have this sorted out in no time.
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How Bad Does it Burn?
First you need to rate the intensity of your burning sensation on the scale below:
- 1: Sorta tickles, actually
- 2: Tingly with the occasional pinch
- 3: My pee feels like hot tea
- 4: I'm pissing hot sauce, man
- 5: Mi pene estan enfuego!!!
- 6: Burn, baby, burn!
- 7: Too scared to pee
- 8: Pass out at the thought
- 9: Accidentally lit the grass behind my shed on fire
- 10: Disco Inferno!
If you answered 1 or 2, you may want to check out this  article on our sister site.
If you answered 3-10, excellent! Continue to the next section.
When Did Symptoms First Occur?
Before you answer this, let me guess: about two weeks after the first time you woke up on that crusty mattress?
Yea, I know. I am amazing. Like David Blane or something? Yea, I've gotten that before. Well, some have suggested that I have ESPN. Yea, but that whole street magic scene just isn't my thing. It's like everyone is just caught up in their own image rather than making it all about the art, you know? I always saw myself as more of an artist. I know, it's a gift. A blessing and a curse, really. All of it just got to be too much for me. People were always like, "Hey, draw this" or "Hey, sing that" or "Hey, sign my [insert chosen anatomical feature]." Yea, getting chicks was cool, but they all had some VD...Right, now back to your burning piss!
Who Else Was on the Mattress?Peanut Butter?...Well why do they call her that? Oh, haha. "Spreads Easy," that's a nice one. Sure things were different between you two. Yea, don't worry about it, man. Ofcourse you're soulmates...So, I hate to ask this but I feel it's my duty as a professional: Anyone else on the mattress? The Community Bicycle? Nah, I think I can figure that one out on my own. And The Punisher? I won't ask...Yea, he definitely stuck to his side of the mattress. Don't worry about it.
So What's With the Scolding Hot Pus Discharge?
Well, my friend, it's simple. You're not having enough fun! How can you expect to enjoy an honest urination when you're playing things so safe? Come on, man. Live life a little on the edge, would you? I mean, seriously, you could remember their names! It's not enough to not know whose needle you're borrowing, why even bother knowing what's in the needle? Hell, If you can even decipher whether or not you're in a conscious state then something is wrong.
Don't worry, I have faith in you. Just don't be such a square next time, alright? That's all I ask. Trust me, you won't regret it!
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