Hello, ladies! If you're reading this, you're probably an average woman with a decent marriage, but you're worried there may be rough water ahead. You know what you can do to make that rough water smooth out? Divorce! I'm going to teach you how divorce can benefit your marriage, family, and overall life. It's worked for Charlie Sheen, and it can work for you!
edit I bet you're probably wondering...
"What would divorce do for me? What about my family?" And most of all, you're probably wondering, "Why should I make such an important life decision now?" Well, first of all, have you ever looked at your bastard husband? Seriously, what the hell do you see in him? It's like Julia Roberts and freaking Lyle Lovett.
Second of all, divorce has many benefits to you, your marriage, and your family. What benefits, you ask?
edit Good for your physical appearance
You want to look good, right? You want to lose weight and feel good, and to be confident in your own body? Well, all the exercise, dieting, purging, and tapeworms in the world couldn't be a better weight loss and beauty supplement than divorce!
This is because of the Bullock equation. Look at the picture of Sandra Bullock on the left. Sandra Bullock is divorced. Sandra Bullock is also quite attractive. Therefore, . There has never been a better way to look and feel how you want to look!
And as if that wasn't enough, divorce will take ages off your face! This is caused by a chemical in your tears that flattens wrinkles and exfoliates your pores; removing old makeup. So, every weekend you spend away from your kids in your new studio apartment subtracts age from your face and makes you a more beautiful person.
edit Good for your children
Some people have been brainwashed by movies such as Kramer vs. Kramer and think divorce will scar your children for the rest of their childhood and possibly their adult life. Nothing could be further from the truth! Divorce will do incredible things for your kids' social life, skyrocket their popularity, and make them far more confident in school; giving them a huge head start for adulthood.
The reason is simple: sympathy. When your children discuss their parents' marriage coming to a catastrophic end, even the coldest and cruelest of bullies will feel incredibly sympathetic towards them. Teachers will be less willing to hand out tough, elaborate homework assignments and will instead give words of encouragement. The divorce will also serve as an excellent conversation piece for the kids at school. And Vanessa Hunter will be very liberal about bestowing long hugs upon your son. And you can take pride in knowing you let it all happen.
Also, having to live in a studio apartment half the time will prepare them for the inevitable travesty their adulthood will be.
edit Good for your back
You wake up in the morning next to your bastard husband. Your back aches; convulsions of pain pulse through your spine. You can't stand working the 9 to 5 with such terrible chronic back pain. Well, it's probably because you are sharing a bed with your husband, who I'm honestly surprised can fit his own fat gullet in there. Seriously, did he swallow a Backstreet Boy?
Sleeping alone will rid you of all the back pain that plagues you throughout your day. You will wake up feeling refreshed and beautiful. Just like you should.
edit Personal testimonials
“The Divorce Method really helped my husband and me improve our already good marriage. We can sleep around guiltlessly, and we both agree- it's worked wonders for our backs!”
- ~ Rose Tompkins, Seattle, WA
“Personally, divorce has been an excellent choice. My children are racking up friends by the hundreds, and my back has never felt better.”
- ~ Henrietta Washington, Jefferson City, MS
“Now, this here divorcin' thing's been good. Lil' Billy here, my son and ex-husband, you know he's a dumbass, I'd kill him if it weren't for my back feelin' so damn good, Praise the Lord.”
- ~ Bobby Joe Haggard, Paducah, KY
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This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's?
I hope you realize now how wonderful divorce can be for your family. So, for yourself, for your kids, for your back- get a divorce. Get a new life!
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