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This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's?
“To get to the other side”
“It was suicidal and probably had several mental problems for which drugs are available”
“Because you touch yourself at night.”
Discovery of the Problem
Radley's logic went as follows. If I see a tree, and then I observe a monkey falling out of it, how can this happen? The monkey cannot be committing suicide, since if it were it would hang itself by its prehensile tail and avoid the mess of bashing its own brains out. If it were merely an accident, the monkey would be immediately disgraced amongst its peers and proceed to hang itself by its own tail, or else evolve into its Stage 2 form, homo erectus.
Though Radley would not live to see it, it was realized in early late 1911 that the monkeys were already dead at the time they fell out. At first it was proposed (by Lord Tariq and Peter Gunz, among others) that the deadness and consequent falling was due to monkey-hating snipers, but the greater philosophical community rejected this solution as being 'overly mundane'.
- The set of all things in trees automagically excludes anything dead; hence, upon becoming dead the monkey must be expelled from the tree. This is supported by the fact that dead monkeys do not climb trees, unless they are Undead Zombies.
- The set of monkeys fallen from trees is never a complete set, so there must always be more monkeys falling from trees. Also known as Gödel's Incompleteness Theorem.
. The preceding formula is valid only for monkeys that are not Tarzan.
- There is a false binary established in the idea of the dead monkey falling from a tree: The prospect of hitting the ground, while dead, is in true point of fact the arche-origin of the essential ontology of monkey/tree duality. Hence the tree must be deconstructed from within.
- We can, ipso facto, upon reading the Vedas discern the absolute origin of the metaphorical structures which give rise to Übertotsfallhammerfallendsbaum, which is German for the General Dead Monkey Falling from a Tree Principle.
- Being is in the world. This Being, being a being, is a bee. This bee is not a monkey, but rather a subconscious surrepresentation of the monkeyality. Hegel was correct in asserting that the monkey presupposed an Anti-monkey, a dead monkey, but only insofar as the objective historico-zoological monkey is actually a subjective inadvertent subtext for monkeys in the world.
- According to Newtonian Physics, only apples fall from trees. Therefore the monkey is an apple.
- Heraclitus says that no man may enter the same river twice. But a dead monkey cannot climb a tree again, therefore a monkey, having died, can never fall from the same tree twice. So trees are really rivers, a fact supported by the xylem and phloem streams that move up and down its trunk and all of its branches and roots. We can perceive the branches as the tree's subsidiaries and the roots as its delta, or else in the opposite fashion if we wish the tree-river to travel from South to North, as does Denial.
- Under a Cartesian metaphysics, the primary and fundamental truth is, I think, therefore monkeys fall from tree. Most other schools of philosophy reject this claim, however, on the grounds that it is bogus.
“You can drop a dead monkey from a tree, but you can't make him drink. Especially if "he" is really a "she," if you know what I mean”
“Literature is at the same time mankind at his best and at his worst. Falling from a tree, on the other hand, is a monkey at his worst only”
The Retro-Promethean Solution
- Ron Prometheus is the player for the Tennessee Titans who first gave mankind fire. The Retro-Promethean project, founded in the year 911 by Abdul al-Hazred, strives to solve the whole problem by giving fire to the monkeys so they can burn down all the trees. Anti-animal rights activists oppose these measures because, in the words of Ted Turner, "Monkeys with flamethrowers is effin' scary."
The search for additional solutions
A Breakthrough from China
Chang, owner of a research institute in China has hypothesised an explanation for the falling out of the trees of many monkey's in the Pinxiang, Guinxi region of China. His research successfully demonstrated that the many of the monkey's that had fallen out of the tree were missing a brain. Local monkey farmers and Chinese Restaurants could offer no explanation of this strange phenomenon.
- London, 1802 feat. Milton (Wordsworth Records)
- Ouch! *THUD*, 1904, feat. Ludwig Wittgenstein (Guinness Records)
- An Attempt to Address the Problem of Übertotsfallhammerfallendsbaum, J. Goebbels
- How to Tie Monkeys to My Pendulum, Michel Foucault.
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