Why?:Cut Your Wrists
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The human soul has never been a thing to waste. It is meant to have fun, joy, and to produce babies, just like most other animals, except bugs because they don't have fun they just reproduce and die. Still, Some lives aren't that great. You could be the acne coated bookworm, thin, frail, and unpopular. What are you supposed to do with your life then? You can't just keep being the socially inept outcast, you need to do something with your life that will put all eyes on you. But what? You're no good at sports, and you puke when you eat to many hotdogs like that other popular guy. What can you do to get out there and get your name known? To get your parents to talk to you again? To get friends? To finally have your cat come back to life since he died seven years ago and you begged your chemistry teacher to bring him back like in Frankenstein? If that sounds like you, we've got the solution. Start Cutting your wrists.
Why Commit Such an Act?
Well, you might be wondering why you should cut your wrists. You think it is a horrible act for the Emos that nobody likes. WRONG! Nobody likes you, either, so why not follow the paths of those jolly people you call Emos? They're living life to the fullest in their cases. They aren't trying to kill themselves because their life is miserable and horrible! They're just like you, looking for something to get them noticed and happy! You might be thinking "Nobody likes them", but look at the bright side! Everybody knows who they are, and they get all the attention they've ever wanted. That's what you want, right? Your parents will talk to you about it and your blood can bring back the cat! The only thing not guaranteed is the friends aspect. You could get those happy emos, they would gladly accept you into their group of butchered wrists.
That Sounds OK...
But wait, there's more! Let's look at all of the benefits people just like you get every day from slitting their wrist!
- Your parents finally communicate with you
- You'll have scars to brag about
- You can bring dead things back to life
- Everyone will talk about you
- You'll go to happy land
- You'll be unique
Doesn't that sound great? Oh, yeah, and "happy land" is like an orgasm except you're cutting your wrist instead of having sex. And also, refer to the picture on the right. It gives you the proper instructions on how to cut your wrist. Down the street. Remember than now. Also, there are more benefits to making the slit in the wrist. You'll have blood all over you like a real dragon warrior. Also, you might get shipped off to an insane asylum so your can see the inside of one finally. So, how does it sound? The benefits easily outnumbered the disadvantages of the final outcome. So, what about it?
I'm Still a Little Skeptical...
Well don't be! This is the way to go for a person in your situation, unpopular, nerdy, and looking like 12,654 bees sting you in the face. This is the best bet for a person like you. Do I have to roll through all of the benefits again? You get friends! You have talking parents! You get your Cat back! You get every thing you've ever wanted! What more do you want? To die? That sometimes comes too. But still! Look at the positives, and look at nothing else, including death, addiction to anti-depressants, and potentially being eaten by a grue! ignore all of those, even though the odds of one of those three things happening to the positives I was saying is 1256:1! ignore the stats. They're probably wrong anyway. So come on, you know you want to.
Oh, Alright. I'll Do It
Nice decision, pal! I'm sure you'll never regret this, because you'll be too concentrated on getting the positives once this is done or you will be dead! Either way, this is a good decision, despite what people say. They just have too good of a life to enjoy wrist cutting. So screw them. Now, let's see what we need. Materials. Ok, do you have a wrist? Good. How about two of them? Good. Now let's see here.. we need a razor and um... yeah! A razor and a wrist.
OK, Hand Over That Razor!
Whoa, there, Eager McBeaver! You need to sign all of these papers here stating uhh.. stuff about all of this wrist cutting business. It's just a little policy we have here. Now sign here, here, here, here, here, here, and here and give us a ten hundred dollar deposit. All right then, let's hand over the razor to this guy. Charles, get me the razor! OK, here we go! One razor for you so you can have the best time of your life. Ok now, It's simple how to do it. Just hold the razor like this.. Not like that you idio-- I mean, uhh, you should hold it like this. Right. Now, press down until it punctures the skin. There you go! Now move down the arm. Slowly, now! That's what brings all of the fun! Great! You did it. Now for the other arm!
Holy Shit That's a Lot of Blood!
Don't worry kid! That's part of the fun. Now just do the same with the other arm. Yeah, you know the drill. By now you should start feeling like you're going to pass out. You feel that way? Good. Now, just drift into sleep land and enjoy this moment!
Whew! Charles, I think he's dead. Either that or passed out. Oh, dammit. He's got a pulse. You know what that means, Chuck. Put him in the happy land room. Fucking kid. You didn't die like every one else. You little shit. Well, you'll be dead once we're done with you in the happy land room.
What? Where am I?
Kid! You're awake! Welcome to heaven! Looks like your dead! But who cares? You lived a good life right? that's what I thought. So, let's see here. We've got your name here, it's uhh <insert name here>? Right. Holy shit! You committed suicide? YOU CUT YOUR WRIST? Jesus! Get out of here! You can go to hell, bitch! Get out of my sight! You were a bad human and you get the consequences!