| Why? |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's?
Greetings, everybody. So, you want to go to college, you know, get some big shiny degree, and a high paying job hanging around with sexy chicks, don't you? Riding around in a Red Barchetta until the gas runs out and not giving a damn about those stupid environmentalists and their pointless complaints? Well, tell you what. It ain't going to happen! Because college is a complete scam invented by The Big 5 Corporations to lure idiots like you, (yes you!) to college for some "special degree" in some sort of "high paying" jobs. Except you find out it was a big waste of time and money because the professor was so fucking boring, you decided to skip all of your classes. Also not to mention spending money on your credit card for drugs and beer, and by your credit card, I meant your parents already maxed out plastic. The next thing you know you're either going to become a jobless hobo, drinking expired Whiskey from the dumpster or you'll probably be a fully pimpled and morbidly obese loser who gets a job at McDonalds and decides to move back to their parents. They lose their house, because the college you went to (and fled from) wanted to add some nonexistent taxes on the funding. "Your choice of going back to school was great. Now go fuck yourselves because you just got punk'd, dumbasses!". You see, a normal bill from college would basically be absurdly high. Here is an example:
Dorm bill: $295,100
Screwing around w/ people in bed: $2, 500
Existing: $589, 825, 905
Which is why I've decided to write an article, to give advice to all of you 'youngers' of why college is for suckers. So that you wouldn't be blamed on the ironies of the years of hard work in school.
edit Why to not go to college
Many years ago in 1983 in Washington D.C, a group of mischief-making professors and politicians were planning to pull of a million-dollar scam to target adults for some higher education for their kids. College companies advertised in magazines, billboards, and television, trying to convince children about how great would it be to have a successful life if you'd go get an application to the biggest colleges across the the United States. The catch? No one actually even cared about these higher education gimmicks anyways! So it was a very hard road in the beginning, up until they decided to suck it up, sell their souls to Hollywood, and make an absurd commercial saying:
“Wanna party it up with some beer and have a good time until you wake up in the gutters with spiders crawling up in your butt? Then come to HARVARD!. You can go to our college bars, get some smoking hot people, and have sex with them at the same time as receiving a great education that will get you a rocking job and tons, tons, tonnsss of money. So come to HARVARD and get a degree! Unless, that is, you want to end up as a drunken hobo!!”
And just like that, millions of High School graduates were falling to their knees for a college degree; just like when the Germans fell for Hitler and his schemes. Too bad that their dreams were all too good to be true because in just one second, those people went from young adult drinking junkies to homeless varmints. They ended up in dead beat jobs for two weeks, only to be fired because of their attitude towards the customers and public indecency (ie. scratching their crotches and peeing in soda cups). So in order to keep reeling in kids to go to their baleful establishments, the colleges have added some girls with big boobs in their commercials. Why? To turn on guys and inspire women to go to college and get boob jobs, saying that if they get a big degree then they can attract and have sex with some hot bimbos and devil dolls (guys).
One of these things you need to know about these big universities, is that they try to sell to you the "ultimate educational experience". This means that they sell that to every misguided folks like you (again YOU!). By enhancing this whole big experience, many colleges include Harry Potter style dining rooms, dormitories, ornamental 5-star foods, etc. And what's even more bat shit crazy is that they actually NAME those rooms. Yes, they name them "Le' Spoile' de Swave" (Dorms), Ol' Kitchen Gournate" (Kitchen), and the classic, "Great Fupah'!" Oh, and they also have Golden Toilet seats named the Le Great Ol' Dumpa'r", (plays Moon River whenever you use it). What many universities don't even know - nor care -is that those names are gay and it turns off a lot of people in college. You see, they try to sell you all with every single fancy fantasy stuff because they want more money out of the students. So by the time the average student graduates from their universities, their credit card debts would be quadruple the amounts of as much they enrolled there in the first place.
Don't believe me? Here is a very good example of a typical teenager who has graduated high school. So to impress more people, the student decides to make money. Make all those middle-classes bitches he bullied in High School jealous by going to NYC University. There, he realizes that college is very boring so he starts to flunk in all of his classes. Good thing were are some nerds were so stupidly generous to do all of the teenagers homework, or else all of this "higher education" would be worthless. By the time he is 24 and finally graduates from that old dump, the ex-student has sadly found out that his parents lost all of their money and their house supporting him. One particular reason is that the teenager was maxing out their credit cards with parties, going to football stadiums, drugs, and other stuff in which was not at all on the bill the NYC would ever say. They have said it would only cost $900 dollars, but it turned out to be a fist full of $1,000,000 dollar lies. So now the teenager has to live homeless for the rest of his life, without any good paying job because his college degree was a fake. The end.
So why does the education establishment try to sell many of us this lie? Well actually, they don't as much as they do it today because many of today's teenagers see through these scams. So instead (since 2008), the schools target your parents to make up their minds about considering college for their high school graduate kids. They tell your parents that college is a great tool for colossal success..and huge amounts of money. Which is why parents usually pay up to 10 Thousand Dollars for their children to serve 6-8 years in some big higher school. The problem? The experience is a fraud! In fact, at many of these universities there are classes about PLAYING GUITAR HERO!!!!!! You young readers think I'm really crazy and everything, but it's true. Many of you are going to college to be as god damn lazy as you were in your parents' house. And to think that parents would believe that their children would learn anything more intellectual from this! What's next, Facebook chatting and Twitter tweeting classes?
And why even bother about the education anyways? The only reason why young adults go to big schools is get drunkenly mad at Toga Parties and College Football. It may be fun to party for a couple of days, that is until the hangover kicks in but pretty soon you would think that life on campus is really a horrible place. Especially if you're roommates with a bunch of drunken fat-frat guys who always give you swirlies in the toilet, shave your head, and teabag you relentlessly and put it on the Internet. Now do you really want to put up with that for the next 4 years? Now you're thinking that college was not such a good idea after all, huh??
So what would be a better choice than to waste your four years in a big house? My advice is to choose your own life. Never give in to these corporate low lifers, and never be intimidated by those who went to college and pressure you to "make a difference". Because remember this. All of them colleges are mostly built by crooked politicians these days
(ie. Barack Obama) and they're desperate to take away your family's hard earned money. So be sure to kick them in the balls and say NO!
You see, instead of going off to a university, you should start off small like getting a job as an Apple intern. If you do a great job, then maybe that good ole' asssssburger man Bill Gates will promote you. Then once you've paid your dues working for him, then run an entrepreneurial company selling shoes that can trim your toenails (just an example.). Now live your dream and do it now!
|Featured Why? Article|
| Quasi-Featured Article (23 April 2012)|
This article was nominated to become a featured article; however, due to several votes being devoured by a gothemo, it didn't make the cut (6.5/12.5). Don't let this happen again! For just pennies a day, you can prevent another travesty of this nature, or vote for other articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.