“Cancer is great. Had Cancer not existed, the world would have a billion more Noobs, just like You.”
Thank you for coming to the First Annual "Cancer is Great" seminar. My name is Dr. Death, and I represent the good folks at Smoking Johnson's, makers of the world's finest cigarette. Most people, when they hear the word "cancer" think that it isn't fun. Well, let me fill you in.
This seminar not only denies that cancer can hurt you, but it denies lots of other things too... like the holocaust and slavery...
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Lots of my, and your, personal heroes have gotten cancer. Lance Armstrong, 19-time winner of the Tour De France, who not only lost both his legs to cancer, but also his entire family, has often stated afterwards that he is a stronger person because of it, and there's no way he would have bagged that Olsen twin if she wasn't so suitably impressed by his ability to get cancer. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if I... Wait, who's that in the audience, folks? Oh my, it's Lance Armstring, in the flesh! Let's give him a hand, everyone! Good for you, Lance!
Remember what the tobacco companies have always said folks: You either smoke and get cancer... or you're Hitler. So, all in all, you have a 1 in 2 chance of being Hitler if you don't have cancer. Remember that when you're filling out those performance reviews at the end of this lecture.
Is Cancer Really A Threat, Dr. Health?
The answer is no. We admitted a long, long time ago that cigarettes cause cancer. However, that isn't always the case. As you can see by this graph, cancer is not the number one cause of death in the United States. According to reports, you only have a 23% chance of getting killed by cancer, and that doesn't even include cancer via cigarettes!. That's worse than my batting average! Honestly! You have a better chance of, say, congenital heart disease! Pfff! It's definitely not a threat.
If only 1 out of 5 people smoke, and there's only a 1 in 4 chance of getting cancer, then, by the law of appropriate-sounding-logical-reasons, there's only a 1 in 20 chance you'll get cancer via smoking. That's awesome!
What Can Cancer Do For Me, Dr. Health?
Cancer is a miracle. If it was a drug, it would be illegal. If it was a deity, it would be Jesus. If it was a gun it would be a howitzer. If it was a drink it would be crack. Basically, the "scientists" hate cancer because they're jealous. That's right: they're jealous. They're jealous of the benefits that cancer can bestow! Take a look at this list I prepared:
- Breast Cancer: Increases your bust size!
- Brain Cancer: Makes your brain bigger!
- Blood Cancer: Makes you street, and could even get you a ghetto pass!
- Bone Cancer: Makes you hardcore!
- Lung Cancer: Makes ya sexay!
What Are The Myths Surrounding Cancer, Dr. Health?
Over the years, cancer has gotten a bad rap. Cancer has been blamed for many things, including death, Judaism, low wages, and the hole in the ozone. In fact, most people blame cancer for lots of horrible things, like the cancellation of Star Trek. There are lots of myths that not only surround cancer, but rape it, as it were, and make it their bitch, so to speak.
- "Cancer turns you into a zombie": Wrong. Research has shown that most kinds of cancer do not turn you into a zombie. In fact, there's only one type of cancer that can turn you into a zombie: Brain cancer... obviously.
- "Cancer patients lose their hair": Wrong. Most of the time, cancer patients don't have time to shave off their hair for chemotherapy. ...because they're always at the best parties! YEAH!
- "Cancer kills your sex drive": Wrong. As a former patient myself, I can say that being in the cancer ward of a hospital is the best place to get a little "afternoon delight" from the nurses, if you catch my drift. I mean sex.
- "There's no cure for cancer": Again, wrong. The best cure for an inoperable tumor is copious amounts of alcohol and nonstop sex according to the latest cancer manual. What? Can you see the manual? No, of course not... uh, unless you have cancer.
- "Wishing cancer on someone makes them have cancer": This is true. If you walk down the street, look at the sky and honestly wish for someone to have cancer they will instantly get it. HOWEVER, that's not a bad thing. Cancer is like a scar: you can show it off to people and act manly.
What Are Some Common Questions About Cancer, Dr. Health?
I get asked all sorts of questions about cancer at these little get-togethers. I have a seminar every 3 months, so you could understand that I know all about the concerns that the
little people populace has about this wonderful disease.
- "Doctor, can I catch cancer from someone else who has it?": A very good question. Yes, yes and yes: It is highly contagious. Erm in fact, can you stand a little further away while you ask questions... yeah just a little further... there, great.
- "Does having cancer make me "dirty" or "disgusting"?": Why no! Other people will be clamoring to see your sickly pallor and huge cancerous "death marks".
- "Will I get sympathy sex?": Well yes and no. Girls will definitely feel sorry for you, but cancer will have rendered your genitals gray, withered and useless.
Is There A Downside To Cancer, Dr. Health?
NO. There are some weaklings who die from cancer, but I know you're not a weakling. You smoke Johnson's™, so you can't be. Johnson's unfiltered cigarettes spew the cancer directly into your lungs. This is the fastest way to enjoy cancer without having to go to a toxic waste dump, work in a nuclear power plant, or get high in Area 51.
Usually, the people who die from cancer never put up a fight. You know those newspaper headlines: Man Battles Cancer? Well, the people who die from cancer weren't only weak physically... they were weak spiritually. Have you ever heard of someone who survived cancer being weak? I haven't. You know what we call people who lose fights in Texas? Losers. ...or queers. ...or whatever.
What Else Should We Not Care About, Dr. Health?
I have lots of scientisty-type friends who fill me in on the latest "fad" of disaster. "Oh no, global warming!" "Oh no, nuclear proliferation!" Let me just say that those things probably won't kill you within your lifetime. In fact, they may never kill you. Like the tobacco industry always says: "Kids are the past. THE FUTURE BELONGS TO US."
So far, there have been a grand total of ZERO deaths relating to "Global Warming". The Liberals don't want you to be warm! They want you to be cold when you're picking grapes... or whatever it is you people do. They want to cool the earth down, until their hearts can match the temperature.
As far as having guns goes, the liberals aren't sad when someone gets shot: they're afraid that the shooting will be at them! In fact, we should start hunting them, just in case they start "getting ideas".
How Can I Get Cancer, Dr. Health?
You don't have to worry about that. Everyone already has cancer. Everything causes cancer. And it's not just cigarettes, it's premarital sex, video games, love, tomatoes, peaches, being left handed, inhaling oxygen, being liberal, working, not working, holding your breath, telling lies... hell, being at this seminar causes cancer! However, like I've been saying all along, it doesn't matter. Cancer is the fucking MAN of diseases.
- Living a vigorous lifestyle: The people who go rock climbing while smoking Johnsons™ are the most at risk, because their lives constitute a manly struggle against the elements.
- Living the american dream: People who live up to the American Dream are most at risk for cancer. In fact most of the founding fathers, such as Drew Lipsky (founder of Smoking Johnson's™), had cancer.
- Being healthy: People who are healthy are definitely the most at risk for cancer. Being healthy doesn't do squat. In fact, by being healthy, you're practically asking cancer, begging cancer, going to it's apartment and giving it a blow job, to come in and ruin... I mean, enhance... your life.
Insensitive Performance Review
Thank you again for coming, now if you would just fill out this form...
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