Why?:Cancer is Great

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{{title|"Why Cancer Is Great" ''By Dr. Health, Esq.''}}
 
{{title|"Why Cancer Is Great" ''By Dr. Health, Esq.''}}
[[Image:Armycancer.jpg|right|thumb|200px|''"the smooth taste... of cancer"''<br>]]'''Thank you''' for coming to the First Annual "Cancer is Great" seminar. My name is Dr. Health, and I represent the good folks at [[Double Entendre|Smoking Johnson's]], makers of the world's finest cigarette. Most people, when they hear the word "[[cancer]]" think that it isn't fun. ''Well, let me fill you in''. <br>
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[[Image:Armycancer.jpg|right|thumb|200px|''"the smooth taste... of cancer"''<br>]]
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{{Q|[[Cancer]] is great. Had [[Cancer]] not existed, the world would have a billion more [[Noobs]], just like [[You]].|Smart People|[[Cancer is Great]]}}
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'''Thank you''' for coming to the First Annual "Cancer is Great" seminar. My name is Dr. Death, and I represent the good folks at [[Double Entendre|Smoking Johnson's]], makers of the world's finest cigarette. Most people, when they hear the word "[[cancer]]" think that it isn't fun. ''Well, let me fill you in''. <br>
 
<table style="border: 1px solid black; padding: 2px; background:#fff7cb; margin: 1px 1px; width: 500px; height: 20px"><tr><td style="text-align: center; font-size:9pt; line-height: 1.4em;">'''DISCLAIMER'''<br>This seminar not only [[Stages of Grief|denies]] that cancer can hurt you, but it denies lots of other things too... like the [[holocaust denial|holocaust]] and [[slavery]]...</td>
 
<table style="border: 1px solid black; padding: 2px; background:#fff7cb; margin: 1px 1px; width: 500px; height: 20px"><tr><td style="text-align: center; font-size:9pt; line-height: 1.4em;">'''DISCLAIMER'''<br>This seminar not only [[Stages of Grief|denies]] that cancer can hurt you, but it denies lots of other things too... like the [[holocaust denial|holocaust]] and [[slavery]]...</td>
 
==Who Gets Cancer, Dr. Health?==
 
==Who Gets Cancer, Dr. Health?==
 
{{Why?}}
 
{{Why?}}
Lots of my, and your, personal heroes have gotten cancer. [[Lance Armstrong]], [[exaggeration|19-time]] [[winner]] of the Tour De France, who not only lost both his legs to cancer, but also his entire family, has often stated afterwards that he is a stronger person because of it. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if I... ''Wait, who's that in the audience, folks?'' Oh my, it's [[fraud|Lance Armstring]], in the flesh! Let's give him a hand, everyone! Good for you, Lance!
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Lots of my, and your, personal heroes have gotten cancer. [[Lance Armstrong]], [[exaggeration|19-time]] [[winner]] of the Tour De France, who not only lost both his legs to cancer, but also his entire family, has often stated afterwards that he is a stronger person because of it, and there's no way he would have bagged that Olsen twin if she wasn't so suitably impressed by his ability to get cancer. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if I... ''Wait, who's that in the audience, folks?'' Oh my, it's [[fraud|Lance Armstring]], in the flesh! Let's give him a hand, everyone! Good for you, Lance!
   
 
[[hand|On the other hand]], there are lots of evil people who never enjoyed cancer for one reason or another. Adolf Hitler never had it, and look where it got him: ''a one way ticket to [[hell]]''.
 
[[hand|On the other hand]], there are lots of evil people who never enjoyed cancer for one reason or another. Adolf Hitler never had it, and look where it got him: ''a one way ticket to [[hell]]''.
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Remember what the tobacco companies have always said folks: You either smoke and get cancer... ''or you're Hitler''. So, all in all, you have a 1 in 2 chance of being Hitler if you don't have cancer. Remember that when you're filling out those [[Why?:Cancer is Great#Insensitive Performance Review|performance reviews at the end of this lecture]].
 
Remember what the tobacco companies have always said folks: You either smoke and get cancer... ''or you're Hitler''. So, all in all, you have a 1 in 2 chance of being Hitler if you don't have cancer. Remember that when you're filling out those [[Why?:Cancer is Great#Insensitive Performance Review|performance reviews at the end of this lecture]].
   
<br clear="all">
 
 
==Is Cancer Really A Threat, Dr. Health?==
 
==Is Cancer Really A Threat, Dr. Health?==
 
[[Image:Antietam dead bury.jpg|right|150px]]
 
[[Image:Antietam dead bury.jpg|right|150px]]
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*'''Blood Cancer''': Makes you [[gangs|street]], and could even get you a ghetto pass!
 
*'''Blood Cancer''': Makes you [[gangs|street]], and could even get you a ghetto pass!
 
*'''Bone Cancer''': Makes you [[hardcore]]!
 
*'''Bone Cancer''': Makes you [[hardcore]]!
*'''Lung Cancer''': Makes ya [[cigarette|sexy]]!
+
*'''Lung Cancer''': Makes ya [[Cancer Porn|sexay]]!
   
 
==What Are The Myths Surrounding Cancer, Dr. Health?==
 
==What Are The Myths Surrounding Cancer, Dr. Health?==
 
[[Image:Land of The Dead.JPG|thumb|right|150px|No, those aren't cancer zombies! It's okay to let your guard down... even for a second!]]
 
[[Image:Land of The Dead.JPG|thumb|right|150px|No, those aren't cancer zombies! It's okay to let your guard down... even for a second!]]
Over the years, cancer has gotten a bad rap. Cancer has been blamed for many things, including death, low wages, and the hole in the ozone. In fact, most people blame cancer for lots of horrible things, like the cancellation of Star Trek. There are lots of myths that not only surround cancer, but rape it, ''as it were'', and make it their bitch, ''so to speak''.
+
Over the years, cancer has gotten a bad rap. Cancer has been blamed for many things, including death, Judaism, low wages, and the hole in the ozone. In fact, most people blame cancer for lots of horrible things, like the cancellation of Star Trek. There are lots of myths that not only surround cancer, but rape it, ''as it were'', and make it their bitch, ''so to speak''.
 
*<u>"Cancer turns you into a zombie"</u>: Wrong. Research has shown that most kinds of cancer do ''not'' turn you into a zombie. In fact, there's only one type of cancer that can turn you into a zombie: Brain cancer... obviously.
 
*<u>"Cancer turns you into a zombie"</u>: Wrong. Research has shown that most kinds of cancer do ''not'' turn you into a zombie. In fact, there's only one type of cancer that can turn you into a zombie: Brain cancer... obviously.
 
*<u>"Cancer patients lose their hair"</u>: Wrong. Most of the time, cancer patients don't have time to shave off their hair for chemotherapy. ...because they're always at the best parties! YEAH!
 
*<u>"Cancer patients lose their hair"</u>: Wrong. Most of the time, cancer patients don't have time to shave off their hair for chemotherapy. ...because they're always at the best parties! YEAH!
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==What Are Some Common Questions About Cancer, Dr. Health?==
 
==What Are Some Common Questions About Cancer, Dr. Health?==
 
I get asked all sorts of questions about cancer at these little get-togethers. I have a seminar every 3 months, so you could understand that I know all about the concerns that the <s>little people</s> populace has about this wonderful disease.
 
I get asked all sorts of questions about cancer at these little get-togethers. I have a seminar every 3 months, so you could understand that I know all about the concerns that the <s>little people</s> populace has about this wonderful disease.
*<u>"Doctor, can I catch cancer from someone else who has it?"</u>: A very good question. Yes, yes and yes: It is highly contagious. Almost as contagious as the happy feeling in this room, ''am I right people?''
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*<u>"Doctor, can I catch cancer from someone else who has it?"</u>: A very good question. Yes, yes and yes: It is highly contagious. Erm in fact, can you stand a little further away while you ask questions... yeah just a little further... there, great.
 
*<u>"Does having cancer make me "dirty" or "disgusting"?"</u>: Why no! Other people will be clamoring to see your sickly pallor and huge cancerous "death marks".
 
*<u>"Does having cancer make me "dirty" or "disgusting"?"</u>: Why no! Other people will be clamoring to see your sickly pallor and huge cancerous "death marks".
*<u>"Will I get sympathy sex?"</u>: Yes, of course! Girls will definitely feel sorry for you, and cancer will have rendered your genitals gray, withered and ready to go to work.
+
*<u>"Will I get sympathy sex?"</u>: Well yes and no. Girls will definitely feel sorry for you, but cancer will have rendered your genitals gray, withered and useless.
*<u>"What are the monetary benefits of cancer?"</u>: For every purchase at Cancer Depo, you can get 5 dollars off, ''plus'' two for one Wednesdays!
 
   
 
==Is There A Downside To Cancer, Dr. Health?==
 
==Is There A Downside To Cancer, Dr. Health?==
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==What Else Should We Not Care About, Dr. Health?==
 
==What Else Should We Not Care About, Dr. Health?==
I have lots of scientisty-type friends who fill me in on the latest "fad" of disaster. ''"Oh no, global warming!"'' ''"Oh no, nuclear proliferation!"'' Let me just say that those things probably won't kill you within your lifetime. In fact, they may ''never'' kill you. Like the tobacco industry always says: "Kids are the past. THE FUTURE BELONGS TO US."
+
I have lots of scientisty-type friends who fill me in on the latest "fad" of disaster. ''"Oh no, global warming!"'' ''"Oh no, nuclear proliferation!"'' Let me just say that those things probably won't kill you within your lifetime. In fact, they may ''never'' kill you. Like the tobacco industry always says: "Kids are the past. [[All_your_base_are_belong_to_us|THE FUTURE BELONGS TO US]]."
   
 
So far, there have been a grand total of ZERO deaths relating to "[[Global Warming]]". The Liberals don't want you to be warm! They want you to be cold when you're picking grapes... or whatever it is you people do. They want to cool the earth down, [[abortion|until their hearts can match the temperature]].
 
So far, there have been a grand total of ZERO deaths relating to "[[Global Warming]]". The Liberals don't want you to be warm! They want you to be cold when you're picking grapes... or whatever it is you people do. They want to cool the earth down, [[abortion|until their hearts can match the temperature]].
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==How Can ''I'' Get Cancer, Dr. Health?==
 
==How Can ''I'' Get Cancer, Dr. Health?==
[[Image:Dead Nick.jpg|thumb|right|200px|No, that's just plain ol' patriotic exhaustion.]]
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[[Image:Dead Nick.jpg|thumb|right|250px|No, that's just plain ol' patriotic exhaustion.]]
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[[File:Breast cancer - sell buy win.JPG|thumb|right|250px|Thanks to Dr. Health's educational activities, [[breast cancer]] is now bought and sold at a market place near you.]]
 
You don't have to worry about that. Everyone already has cancer. Everything causes cancer. And it's not just cigarettes, it's premarital sex, video games, love, tomatoes, peaches, being left handed, inhaling oxygen, being liberal, working, not working, holding your breath, telling lies... hell, being at this seminar causes cancer! However, like I've been saying all along, it doesn't matter. Cancer is the fucking MAN of diseases.
 
You don't have to worry about that. Everyone already has cancer. Everything causes cancer. And it's not just cigarettes, it's premarital sex, video games, love, tomatoes, peaches, being left handed, inhaling oxygen, being liberal, working, not working, holding your breath, telling lies... hell, being at this seminar causes cancer! However, like I've been saying all along, it doesn't matter. Cancer is the fucking MAN of diseases.
 
*<u>Living a vigorous lifestyle</u>: The people who go rock climbing while smoking Johnsons™ are the most at risk, because their lives constitute a manly struggle against the elements.
 
*<u>Living a vigorous lifestyle</u>: The people who go rock climbing while smoking Johnsons™ are the most at risk, because their lives constitute a manly struggle against the elements.
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</poll>
 
</poll>
 
{{Offensive}}
 
{{Offensive}}
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{{FA|date=5 November 2007|revision=2519275}}
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{{Cancer}}
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Latest revision as of 13:10, October 21, 2011

Armycancer

"the smooth taste... of cancer"

Cancer is great. Had Cancer not existed, the world would have a billion more Noobs, just like You.”
~ Smart People on Cancer is Great

Thank you for coming to the First Annual "Cancer is Great" seminar. My name is Dr. Death, and I represent the good folks at Smoking Johnson's, makers of the world's finest cigarette. Most people, when they hear the word "cancer" think that it isn't fun. Well, let me fill you in.

edit Who Gets Cancer, Dr. Health?

DISCLAIMER
This seminar not only denies that cancer can hurt you, but it denies lots of other things too... like the holocaust and slavery...
Why Why? 
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's?

Lots of my, and your, personal heroes have gotten cancer. Lance Armstrong, 19-time winner of the Tour De France, who not only lost both his legs to cancer, but also his entire family, has often stated afterwards that he is a stronger person because of it, and there's no way he would have bagged that Olsen twin if she wasn't so suitably impressed by his ability to get cancer. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if I... Wait, who's that in the audience, folks? Oh my, it's Lance Armstring, in the flesh! Let's give him a hand, everyone! Good for you, Lance!

On the other hand, there are lots of evil people who never enjoyed cancer for one reason or another. Adolf Hitler never had it, and look where it got him: a one way ticket to hell.

Remember what the tobacco companies have always said folks: You either smoke and get cancer... or you're Hitler. So, all in all, you have a 1 in 2 chance of being Hitler if you don't have cancer. Remember that when you're filling out those performance reviews at the end of this lecture.

edit Is Cancer Really A Threat, Dr. Health?

Antietam dead bury

The answer is no. We admitted a long, long time ago that cigarettes cause cancer. However, that isn't always the case. As you can see by this graph, cancer is not the number one cause of death in the United States. According to reports, you only have a 23% chance of getting killed by cancer, and that doesn't even include cancer via cigarettes!. That's worse than my batting average! Honestly! You have a better chance of, say, congenital heart disease! Pfff! It's definitely not a threat.

If only 1 out of 5 people smoke, and there's only a 1 in 4 chance of getting cancer, then, by the law of appropriate-sounding-logical-reasons, there's only a 1 in 20 chance you'll get cancer via smoking. That's awesome!

edit What Can Cancer Do For Me, Dr. Health?

Cancer is a miracle. If it was a drug, it would be illegal. If it was a deity, it would be Jesus. If it was a gun it would be a howitzer. If it was a drink it would be crack. Basically, the "scientists" hate cancer because they're jealous. That's right: they're jealous. They're jealous of the benefits that cancer can bestow! Take a look at this list I prepared:

  • Breast Cancer: Increases your bust size!
  • Brain Cancer: Makes your brain bigger!
  • Blood Cancer: Makes you street, and could even get you a ghetto pass!
  • Bone Cancer: Makes you hardcore!
  • Lung Cancer: Makes ya sexay!

edit What Are The Myths Surrounding Cancer, Dr. Health?

Land of The Dead

No, those aren't cancer zombies! It's okay to let your guard down... even for a second!

Over the years, cancer has gotten a bad rap. Cancer has been blamed for many things, including death, Judaism, low wages, and the hole in the ozone. In fact, most people blame cancer for lots of horrible things, like the cancellation of Star Trek. There are lots of myths that not only surround cancer, but rape it, as it were, and make it their bitch, so to speak.

  • "Cancer turns you into a zombie": Wrong. Research has shown that most kinds of cancer do not turn you into a zombie. In fact, there's only one type of cancer that can turn you into a zombie: Brain cancer... obviously.
  • "Cancer patients lose their hair": Wrong. Most of the time, cancer patients don't have time to shave off their hair for chemotherapy. ...because they're always at the best parties! YEAH!
  • "Cancer kills your sex drive": Wrong. As a former patient myself, I can say that being in the cancer ward of a hospital is the best place to get a little "afternoon delight" from the nurses, if you catch my drift. I mean sex.
  • "There's no cure for cancer": Again, wrong. The best cure for an inoperable tumor is copious amounts of alcohol and nonstop sex according to the latest cancer manual. What? Can you see the manual? No, of course not... uh, unless you have cancer.
  • "Wishing cancer on someone makes them have cancer": This is true. If you walk down the street, look at the sky and honestly wish for someone to have cancer they will instantly get it. HOWEVER, that's not a bad thing. Cancer is like a scar: you can show it off to people and act manly.

edit What Are Some Common Questions About Cancer, Dr. Health?

I get asked all sorts of questions about cancer at these little get-togethers. I have a seminar every 3 months, so you could understand that I know all about the concerns that the little people populace has about this wonderful disease.

  • "Doctor, can I catch cancer from someone else who has it?": A very good question. Yes, yes and yes: It is highly contagious. Erm in fact, can you stand a little further away while you ask questions... yeah just a little further... there, great.
  • "Does having cancer make me "dirty" or "disgusting"?": Why no! Other people will be clamoring to see your sickly pallor and huge cancerous "death marks".
  • "Will I get sympathy sex?": Well yes and no. Girls will definitely feel sorry for you, but cancer will have rendered your genitals gray, withered and useless.

edit Is There A Downside To Cancer, Dr. Health?

NO. There are some weaklings who die from cancer, but I know you're not a weakling. You smoke Johnson's™, so you can't be. Johnson's unfiltered cigarettes spew the cancer directly into your lungs. This is the fastest way to enjoy cancer without having to go to a toxic waste dump, work in a nuclear power plant, or get high in Area 51.

Usually, the people who die from cancer never put up a fight. You know those newspaper headlines: Man Battles Cancer? Well, the people who die from cancer weren't only weak physically... they were weak spiritually. Have you ever heard of someone who survived cancer being weak? I haven't. You know what we call people who lose fights in Texas? Losers. ...or queers. ...or whatever.

edit What Else Should We Not Care About, Dr. Health?

I have lots of scientisty-type friends who fill me in on the latest "fad" of disaster. "Oh no, global warming!" "Oh no, nuclear proliferation!" Let me just say that those things probably won't kill you within your lifetime. In fact, they may never kill you. Like the tobacco industry always says: "Kids are the past. THE FUTURE BELONGS TO US."

So far, there have been a grand total of ZERO deaths relating to "Global Warming". The Liberals don't want you to be warm! They want you to be cold when you're picking grapes... or whatever it is you people do. They want to cool the earth down, until their hearts can match the temperature.

As far as having guns goes, the liberals aren't sad when someone gets shot: they're afraid that the shooting will be at them! In fact, we should start hunting them, just in case they start "getting ideas".

edit How Can I Get Cancer, Dr. Health?

Dead Nick

No, that's just plain ol' patriotic exhaustion.

Breast cancer - sell buy win

Thanks to Dr. Health's educational activities, breast cancer is now bought and sold at a market place near you.

You don't have to worry about that. Everyone already has cancer. Everything causes cancer. And it's not just cigarettes, it's premarital sex, video games, love, tomatoes, peaches, being left handed, inhaling oxygen, being liberal, working, not working, holding your breath, telling lies... hell, being at this seminar causes cancer! However, like I've been saying all along, it doesn't matter. Cancer is the fucking MAN of diseases.

  • Living a vigorous lifestyle: The people who go rock climbing while smoking Johnsons™ are the most at risk, because their lives constitute a manly struggle against the elements.
  • Living the american dream: People who live up to the American Dream are most at risk for cancer. In fact most of the founding fathers, such as Drew Lipsky (founder of Smoking Johnson's™), had cancer.
  • Being healthy: People who are healthy are definitely the most at risk for cancer. Being healthy doesn't do squat. In fact, by being healthy, you're practically asking cancer, begging cancer, going to it's apartment and giving it a blow job, to come in and ruin... I mean, enhance... your life.

edit Insensitive Performance Review

Thank you again for coming, now if you would just fill out this form...

"I would rather have cancer than be in the holocaust."
 
487
 
152
 
136
 
527
 
1027
 

The poll was created at 00:27 on October 19, 2007, and so far 2329 people voted.

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