Picture this: You're down on your luck. You're having trouble finding "that special someone," rising gas prices and mortgage rates are putting you in the poorhouse, that video of you losing your virginity is hitting the internet at last, and all those hobos' skeletons are finally starting to fall out of your closet. Is this you? If it is, you're pathetic. You should probably just give up now, loser. Should you actually try to correct this patheticness, the normal path to go down would be to take this as an opportunity to reflect on some of your life's previous choices and decisions, in order to avoid similar mistakes in the future. Luckily, in true American spirit, a shortcut has been formulated: Just Blame Hitler.
The problem of how to deal with embarrassing and rather sticky situations has plagued Americans ever since the Civil War ended and the slaves were freed. Even back in the day, people just couldn't get it together. While many "philosophers" with "doctorates in philosophy" have claimed that the best that we can do for ourselves is accept responsibility for our actions, we know better. There's just no way we could ever be held responsible. For answers, we have turned to science. While schools such as Harvard, Stanford, Dartmouth, and other "real" schools declined the opportunity to research a cure for American clumsiness, we got some guys at the local community college to look into it. They were well funded and well supplied with test subjects, fancy labcoats, and marijuana. Expectedly, initial success was limited at best. However, after many stubbed toes and regrettable bloopers reels, a coherent and logical statement has been published in the form of a conditional.
Hitler = Bad
When the name "Hitler" is used in a sentence, it is usually very close to the word "jerk" or "douchebag." It is to be understood that Hitler is bad. Nobody likes Hitler. Not even Skinheads, who have come to simply hate everybody and not just blacks and jews, like Hitler anymore. Say "Hitler" right now. Did your fern die? Ferns don't like Hitler either.
Bad things = Bad
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Whenever something bad happens, it is usually accompanied by cries of "Jerk!" or "Douchebag!" It is to be understood that bad things are bad. Nobody likes having bad luck. Wondering why everyone freaked out when you broke that mirror? No one cared about those glass shards protruding from your forehead, silly. It was the potential for increased misfortune frequency that caused the alarm. Not even Skinheads, who traditionally love bad things such as genocide, like it when bad things happen to them. Stop watering your fern. Did your fern die? Ferns don't like drought either.
Therefore, Hitler = Bad things
That's right. Using the transitive property, we can pass responsibility for all of your misfortune to Hitler. This means that Hitler is fair game. Your ex-wife asking you why little Paul keeps coming home after staying at your house for the weekend looking malnourished and with welts on his back? Using this formula, we can tell her it was Hitler's fault. Failed your GRE for the second time in a row? Hitler rigged the test. Your car broke down? Hitler did it. Hurricane Katrina? 9/11? Virginia Tech shootings? Hitler, Hitler, Hitler.
Main article: World War II
Most people know the story of World War II; Hitler rose to power by being loud (which is apparently a fantastic German leadership quality), and everything was all fine and dandy until he pissed off the good ol' US of A. Hitler actually had the nerve to sink the Lusitania. He was now up in America's grill, and he had to be stopped. Eisenhower became so full of righteous fury that he went all D-Day on Germany's ass, and soon Hitler was all but done for. He had one last trick up his sleeve, though. Hitler faked his own suicide, and then fled to Hiroshima, Japan, where he intended to plan a counter-offensive. Again, though, America was too smart! Truman, taking over for Eisenhower after he died, knew exactly what to do. He nuked Hiroshima, and then Nagasaki, just to be on the safe side. And so, today, whenever anyone in Japan dies of radiation-induced cancer, they know exactly whose fault it is. In Japan, they blame Hitler.
Famous instances of blaming Hitler
Throughout history, mainly the history that occurred since Hitler has existed, people have been blaming Hitler. This drastic increase of Hitler blaming in the late 1800s can likely be attributed to the difficulty of blaming the nonexistant. Though there were probably instances of the phenomenon before this, in 1907, the first was documented. In that year, Hitler was rejected from art school, and for weeks he blamed himself. However, the art of blaming Hitler was still in its infancy, so Hitler reverted to the more time-tested and reliable method of blaming the Jews, and, in doing so, he laid the foundation for the increased blaming of himself.
By the the 1930s, many in Germany began blaming Hitler, this time for fixing their economy. However, his "aggressive international policies" attracted unwanted attention from several world leaders. They didn't really mind when Hitler started on Austria and Czechoslovakia, but he started messing with Poland, shit had to go down. Winston Churchill famously blamed Hitler for being a jerk to Poland, saying that he "would like it if Mr. Hitler would please stop invading countries now, please." This inflammatory remark was instrumental in causing that one World War that people care about.
After a few unremarkable skirmishes, Hitler nixed himself, and he became the most blamable person on the planet. Who had killed all those Jews? H! Who was it that caused another World War? I! Who permanently damaged everyones' ability to trust the Germans? T! Who popularized that tiny, ridiculous-looking mustache? L! Who screwed up so badly as to make that stylish, fashionable 'stache unwearable for the rest of forever? L! Who caused me to contradict myself mid-rant? E! Who's a stupid-poopy-meanie-head? R! What's that spell? ...No, it's ok, I'll give you a second...yeah, here's a pen and some paper...now sound it out... That's right! Hitler!
Blaming Hitler in a modern context
Many critics of the "Blame Hitler" philosophy have asked how it is even possible to apply Hitler to everyday problems, as well as national and international tragedies. The answer is that it is very possible, as long as one does not try too hard. For example, when all those miners got trapped in those coal mines in that one state, and people had no idea who to blame because they didn't care enough to really investigate, who did they blame? The only one who was evil enough, had enough experience in trapping and killing live humans, and wasn't around to defend himself: Hitler. Sure, once you really start thinking about it, you may find some doubtful thoughts begin to surface, such as "he's not even alive" or "what would anyone want to go to West Virginia for" or "he's got no mining experience, he's a goddamn painter!" These thoughts are contradictory to the "Blame Hitler" philosophy. In order to utilize this revolutionary way of thinking, you must purge your mind of everything you thought you knew.
Modern celebrities have blamed Hitler, as well. "Hitler knocked me up!" declared a distraught Paris Hilton. "He knocked me up, too!" claimed Britney Spears. "And me!" said an extremely confused Andy Dick. Clearly, Hitler's legacy of shameful blame lives on.
Common misconceptions about blaming Hitler
Q: Isn't Hitler, like, dead?
A: Yes, he is dead. However, he is still capable of much evil in the world. Odds are he's coming up with a way to make your dog's death look like an accident. He's pretty crafty.
Q: That's ridiculous. Wasn't Hitler just some pissed off Austrian guy who failed at painting and decided that it was the Jews' fault?
A: First of all, no. Hitler was not a person. He was evil. And secondly, yes. He blamed the Jews for his problems. And look where it got him! He took over most of Europe! Blaming others sure worked out for him. Imagine what we could accomplish by blaming him.
Q: But how does passing the blame off to someone else make my situation any better?
A: It's this kind of close-minded hatespeak that led to Hitler's rise in the first place. You must not limit yourself to rational thought and taking responsibility. Blaming Hitler ensures that he will not come back, which is the last thing we want. Indeed, it could be implied that, by not blaming Hitler, one is essentially facilitating his return to power. Clearly, anyone who disagrees with this article is a Nazi.
Q: If I'm not jewish and I'm a blond, blue-eyed German, wasn't he improving my life?
- ↑ Disclaimer: Shortcut may or may not fail to solve anything and cause more problems than it solved.
- ↑ We have the tapes. And they're going on the internet.
- ↑ God, you were the one who gave me the goddamn condom. How did I know that you had been carrying it around in your purse for the last 8 months? Besides, the kid don't even look like me. Well, kindasorta. But still...
- ↑ Time Magazine featured the "Blame Hitler" shortcut in a February 2008 issue, with the article stating that "This is why idiots should never have been told about the transitive property."
- ↑ And you got blood all over my nice white carpet.
- ↑ I think he might've killed some people or something, but that's not what's important, here.
- ↑ Eisenhower died due to complications arising from a broken foot, which became infected after he compoundly fractured it whilst applying it to Hitler's posterior.
- ↑ They were deemed unimportant by the much more important League of Nations
- ↑ For helpful tips, see Room 101.
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