Why?:Am I in Canada?
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| WARNING: This page portrays Canada in a bad light. Canadians may wish to politely avert their gaze.
Good, now us normal people can talk about those damn Canadians behind their back...
People residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?" or better yet, "What the hell am I doing in this god-forsaken wasteland?!" There are many answers to this question, even though it can often be regarded as rhetorical.
Introduction to Canada
See Canada (Nation).
Various Reasons You May Be In Canada
Canada gives free prescription drugs to anyone who asks for them. Just tell any Canadian that you meet on the streets of Toronto that you are a fellow Canadian, and they will show you to the magic cave (Pfizer North America). They might ask you to perform the secret handshake. If a Canadian asks you this, it means that they are not really a Canadian, and if you shake their hand you will only expose your own lie.
Note: If you happen to be in French Canada, they might ask you to play the accordion, which is a similar trick.
In Canada, the legal drinking age is 3.14159 (or Π), giving many underage American adolescents good reason to cross the border. Unfortunately, many 2-3 year-olds often attempt to cross the border in order to obtain some Captain or Vodka. Unbeknownst to them, the penalty for possession of alcohol by a minor in Canada is much stricter than the rest of the world, and is often punishable by death.
"Holy fuck it's cold here!" is a phrase often muttered (yelled, screamed) by people when they find themselves mistakenly misplaced in Canada. This often drives many serial masochists to move to Canada, often in the winter months. The most hardcore of masochists (as well as practitioners of bestiality) can often be found in Saskatchewan. This is especially true since there is no good-goddamned reason to go to Saskatchewan in the first place.
Drunk on a Bet
This is the way that most people find themselves in Canada. Often, during a major drinking binge (or Bar Mitzvah in some cases), it seems appropriate to go to Canada. Sure, this may seem like a great idea at the time, but you must realize that this often ends in rape via a caribou or Saskatchewanenian (?!).
In popular culture, it is believed that drunken driving leads to a severely heightened chance of a major auto accident. However, this is simply not true; the government (as well as MADD, the dreaded Menopausal Alliance Doing Damage) propagated this lie to prevent the American populace from driving to Canada while drunk. Despite these lies, however, it is still ill-advised to drive while drunk, as you may wake up the next morning with a caribou in your bed.
How to Get Out of Canada
This topic is often followed by the thoughts of, "Where the hell am I?" "What am I doing here?" and "Why does this passed-out logger have his arms around me?"
The first thing to remember is, Don't panic. The most dangerous thing that you can do is to start worrying, and come up with a poor excuse for the lumberjack of why you need to leave. Carrying a bear suit with you at all times aids this, however, as lumberjacks are naturally afraid of bears.
Making it to the Border
Once you have evaded your captor, the next challenge is making it to the border. Unfortunately, most Canadian highways (if you can actually call them that) run East/West instead of North/Thank-God-I'm-Home. If you can't find your car, snowmobile, dog sled, or whatever method of transportation you may have used to get to Canada, DO NOT HITCH-HIKE! This is very important. The most sure-fire way to end up a 'citizen' of Canada is to hitch-hike with a Canadian. They often apply a gaseous poison that makes you think flannel is cool, and that freezing your nuts off is a joyous pastime.
Crossing the Damn Border
Getting across the border is relatively easy, assuming that you aren't wearing a towel around your head. Also, be sure to shave any unnecessary facial or body hair before approaching the Border Patrol.
It often reassures the Border Patrol if you approach them on a rocket-propelled motorcycle (Cool!). If you failed to remember your passport when you initially crossed the border to Canada, not to worry! You can still be granted asylum to the warmer lands if you:
- Plead insanity
- Have pictures of naked lumberjacks
- Have a valid driver's license
- Plead that you're freezing your ass off
- Sneak into México first, then jump the fence.
Most any of these techniques will work, and sometimes even others will work as well. Be sure to spread any success stories you may have!