From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“In Soviet Russia, whore pays YOU!!”
“In recent news, Paris Hilton has gotten 3 of her girlfriends pregnant! It was a mystery how a lesbian encounter knocked up 3 of the whores best friends, but upon investigation, it was found that Paris had sucked so much dick in the last month, she had 7lbs of male semen stuck between her teeth that managed to drool out of her mouth and into the 3 unsuspecting whores vagina's... and now here's Tom with the weather”
“Im not a smart man, but I know what love is, 200 dollars in an alleyway.”
A whore, or prostitute, is a woman or girly man that you can pay to have sex. Manly men can enter this line of work as well, but they prefer the term gigolo and will crush your head with your thighs if you call them anything else.
When hiring a whore, first you must negotiate a price. A good price is around 150 dollars, unless the whore is ugly, diseased, addicted, or all three. Then you're in luck, because you may get a substantial discount.
Having sex with a whore is usually done by inserting one's penis into one of the whores' many orifices. Selecting the right orifice is usually quite easy once the penis is in its erected state. When in doubt, consult the Kamasutra for inspiration. Before inserting the penis, always remember to put a on a condom, a rubber boot, plastic bag, or sheep intestine. These things are known as "love gloves", and will safeguard your willy from all kinds of evil diseases that whores usually carry. Once the penis is inserted, it is suggested you slowly move it back and forth. As you gradually increase tempo, you will eventually find yourself having an orgasm. Now it's time to pay the whore the agreed price, and leave.
During 500 B.C., the adaptation of prostitution was brought forth to the world by Nuns of the Pastafarian Church of Lichtenstein. They worked their way up the ranks of the monasteries, doing anything from hand jobs to zj's to oral sex. And once their "battle chest" had accumulated sufficient funds, they moved to nearby monasteries, only to infiltrate them. Soon enough, their "battle chests" could hold no more gold, so they had to transfer their funds to Swiss Bank Accounts.
This was so serious as it needed Pope Benedict XVI to use the Popemobile to go back in time in an attempt to "settle things down". In his speech, he uttered, "Pastafarian Nuns have brought to the world only evil and inhuman things".
Benedict XVI then led operation "Anaconda", which aimed to eradicate the Pastafarian "cancer" out of Europe. It succeeded, taking only three weeks to complete. No nuns died, but they were forced "at the sword" to convert to Alcoholism.
Due to Pope Benedict XVI's failure as a religious leader,(and occasional use of the nuns himself) Pastafarians and their highly-experienced nuns continue to flourish today throughout the civilized world. Yearly revenues amount to 69 million Canadian Dollars. Which in America amounts to about 38 cents. The equation of a whore is amount of crack smoked x amount of times paid for sex - times hit by pimp \ amount of abortions = whore
Many ho's are under the cane of the magnetic pimp Magnegro. These superhos have super powers, that not among these are the amounts of bootae and junk in the trunk they possess. The first and most famous of these superhos was the infamous Mystiqua who was soon joined by Danielle McMahon. Surprisingly, Paris Hiltion is the definition of Superho, mainly because she parties all day, drinks Ying-Ling, and has sex with random Heirs to oil tycoons. Did you know Vince loves Paola, and the other way around? Coming in at a close second is Tom Stoss. Tom Stoss is a little known aspiring actor who has long hair and wears a Meatwad hat. He tends to laugh at random acts of violence and occasionally engages in public rampages. Tom Stoss has had sex with more women than both Wilt Chamberlain and Magic Johnson combined, and has not yet contracted aids. This is the sole reason why Tom Stoss is ranked number two on the People Magazine's Top twenty whores list.
Prostitution during the 1920s
The uprising of "show girls" and "cabaret dancers", who were basically whores too, just legalized because of the government conspiracy called "The Depression".
Whores of Today
In the world of today, whores have become a commodity for most metropolitan areas. In every city you go, you'll probably find a whore marketing his/her services at a reasonable fee. If you would like to buy their services online, go to MySpace. Also, the whores can be found in the school lunch game 'Handball'. This is when someone gets another out in a very cheap way, resulting in the person getting, out calling the person who got them out, a whore. Today there are Whores in Training (Children).
Typical Myspace Whores
One of the best known whores in America today is my ex-wife. That woman is like a merry-go-round; everybody got a turn. Do you know how many of my ex-wives it takes to screw in a light bulb? Just one, she would have screwed anything.
She was a lot like a garbage can. If you put her on a street corner, you knew somebody would come along and pick her up. Usually you may see her with my best friend, whom I've known since 1st grade, usually sucking his cock or giving him other "favors" just to piss me off.
It just wasn't enough for you to rip my heart out and take HALF OF MY FUCKING POSSESSIONS YOU BITCH!!!! WHY?!!!!!
Yes, on Mondays she is a bit busy, what with the Reservations that Bob, and that creepy uncle you never liked make, but I can assure you that's not always how this whore works!
On a Tuesday or Thursday, she seem to have some queer obsession with her own breasts (and you wondered who the old saggy one was on the voyeur page), though she keeps herself to ho-self (hahaha) on a Wednesday.
On a Friday, she is busy with your 'Dad', but the chances of him being your birth father are, quite frankly, close to impossible. (You know why...)
Lastly, on those great Saturdays and Sundays, she is out of the house, and so you bring someones mum over for a 'bit of it', but I wonder where she went...
That's why he spends long hours at his work every night. Prostitutes are more intelligent than the highly paid impotent university professors. Prostitutes are more professional in teaching you what the professors in the universities cannot.