Whoopi Goldberg
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“Whoopi??”
~ Worf on Whoopi Goldberg
“She's got no freakin' eyebrows!!”
~ Peter Griffin on Whoopi Goldberg
Whoopi Shaniqua Mary Clarence Jumpin' Jack Flash "The Cushion" Goldberg, originally Wookie Goldberg, is an American-born Oompah Loompah actress, inventor, organ-grinder, squid-flusher, mother of Chewbacca and also known as Oprah of especially homely nature.
Thanks in no small part to an ass the size of a loveseat, her chief contribution to human happiness was as Inventor of the Whoopi Cushion, an amusing rubber device which played Beethoven's pastoral symphony when inflated and sat upon.
She is generally a no-eyebrowed freaky woman who know one really knows anything about or what she does. She just appears in movies and disappears.
The industrial process used to manufacture these cushions, Making Whoopi, played a key role in the birth of the Industrial Revolution.
Japanese people, due to their genetic lack of a sub-tongue ligament, have great difficulty pronouncing her name. It is not unusual to hear attempts such as "Ooo-Pee-God-a-Bear".
In 1984 the British Antarctic Association award Goldberg their prestigious actress of the year award for her performance in Sister Act 2. This is strange as the film was made four years after this date.
On November 13 1987, her birthday, she met and married her husband, Dr. Phil in a swimming pool filled with 100 dollar bills in Oprah, Texas.
Whoopi Goldberg was killed in 1989 by Roseanne Barr, who devoured her entire body on the Oprah Winfrey Show in a fight to the death for Robin Williams' heart.
After her death in 1989 Whoopi Goldberg has developed an unhealthy obsession with milk. Recent cattle mutilations are suspected to be of her doing. It is said that baby formula was invented to prevent new mothers from being attacked by Whoopi Goldberg. Ironically Whoopi Goldberg once went missing as a child and was found only because someone recognized her face from a milk carton.
In 1993, a film was made documenting the events of her life from when she was born, up until her death in 1989. The film was titled A Sister's Final Act, and starred Charlize Theron as Goldberg.
In 1995 Whoopi Goldberg came back to life in the form of a snail. The snail Whoopi Goldberg became very successful posing for naked pictures in Playboy Magazine to promote CVS's Back-to-School sale. Though they soon found out see didn't have eyebrows, and fired her. She can now be found somewhere around Fleet Street, dead on the floor, because someone just didn't like their meat pie with a snail in it.
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