From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
A White Lie is a member of the lie family. Although usually not considered to be as potent as other lies multiple white lies can build up to be just as dangerous as a normal lie. As with other lies, a white lie is an incorporeal creature, leading scientists to doubt its existence for a number of years. The white lie's most common environment is in conversations between two humans of the opposite gender who are related and/or romantically involved. The person in whom the lie originates, forms (tells) the lie and the person on whom it attaches receives (is told) the lie.
Gestation periods of white lies begin in the brain and can vary depending on how stressful the situation is under which the lie is needed, and how complex the lie is. Typical gestation periods can last anywhere from less than a second to multiple days. A full grown white lie then attaches to the psyche of the partner in the conversation (Note: White Lies will find more nourishment in a female psyche than in a male psyche and are much more likely to survive.) Once a white lie has been firmly implanted into the psyche of its target it joins with others gathered there unless it is the first to arrive after a purging (See below.)
A single white lie attached to the psyche is not very noticeable. However, once white lies build up the combined mental weight makes it more likely to be noticed. Once a white lie is noticed by the person on whom's psyche the lie is lingering a purging is initiated in which the large white lie is divided into its individual lies and each one is traced back to its origin. This process is often extremely painful for those who have to face the lie that they created.
edit Motivation to tell a white liethey want to hear) will lead to rewards in the short term. This technique is usually applied by male children to their mothers, female teenagers to their fathers and by boyfriends who are afraid of confrontation to their girlfriends or girlfriends' friends. This play is often a short-sighted one as the rewards become significantly less the longer it is used.
Another reason to tell a white lie is simply out of laziness. White lies are so much easier to tell than normal lies that they are often the default mode of lie telling that people will go to. In most cases where white lies are the default, white lie build up is much more pronounced than in other cases. Often this arises during marriage and can contribute to a divorce if not taken care of at an early stage. If let to get out of hand the two involved can begin telling white lies out of reflex such as "It just wasn't working out," and "No, Jason, it's not your fault mommy and daddy are getting divorced."
edit White lie-seeking behavior
A number of studies involving the recipients of white lies have shown a surge in dopamine levels when a white lie attaches to their brain. The dopamine levels swiftly drop as the white lie will only affect dopamine levels when it is received. The sudden surge and then drop of dopamine will cause those with significant white lie build up to seek out more instances in which a white lie could be told to them. Many believe that this is the reason that some people (women especially) will set up situations in which a white lie is the best way to avoid being yelled at. In the scientific community this is known as "The white lie cycle" or "A husband's dilemma."
edit Physiology of a white lie
White lies don't have any kind of physical body and their life span outside of the brain is extremely short which makes tracking their actual composition difficult to determine. Therefore, the first attempts to view white lies were by scanning patients brains who had been freshly lied to. This process proved to be futile and far too many patients became zombified and had to be put down immediately. Once brain scanning was made illegal in 30 states science had to admit defeat and turn to speculation. Although never proven, it is widely accepted that white lies are made up of three major parts.
A white lie is accepted to have a body which is where the majority of the psychic mass of the white lie lies. If white lies are sentient then this is the most likely place for one to have a face with which they could laugh right in our faces for believing them.
Since the white lie attaches itself to a person's psyche it is theorized that they have hands to do that. Another school of thought believes that, since they are purely psychic creatures, they are able to attach to a psyche without any specific grapple devices such as hands. Those people have probably read a few too many sci-fi novels, honestly.
Even lies have to breed somehow. (or do they?) More information available in Studies.
An average for a white lie cannot be determined as some white lies are discovered by their bearers immediately while others lasted throughout the subject's lifetime. There wasn't any correlation found between the complexity of the lie and the duration it lasted, but there was a slight correlation in that more skeptical receivers would tend to discover white lies in their psyche more quickly than more optimistic subjects.
Just like other lies white lies vary considerably in complexity based on a number of criteria. White lies skew more toward being simple compared to other lies. The reason for this was difficult to pinpoint, as there are so many different reasons to tell a lie. However, what seemed to be tipping the average was the amount of married couples that were using white lies as their main source of lying. Most often married couples don't use very complex lies to each other because nobody cares.
Some people thought that due to the psychic energy transfer of a white lie there might be a slight energy gain on the receiving end. Depending on the scale of this energy transfer there may have finally been a definitive answer to why women are so much better than men in every way. The initial experiment was inconclusive as the white lie told may have not been believable enough to take hold, (
No honey, those jeans don't make you look fat at all) but further testing showed that energy transfered from white lies is minimal at best and the mystery of why women are better than men remains unsolved.
|I don't think the board who gave me my grant heard me correctly. Instead of finding out which strains of white rice breed together most effectively I'm apparently supposed to investigate the breeding of white lies. This could be problematic. Um.. I guess since lies aren't physical they could technically have sex organs, but that's boring. I'm going to say... all white lies have a scrotum...which...contains both eggs and sperm. Yeah. That sounds right. Now the only problem is what to do for the next year with this $30,000 grant...Anyone want a beer?|
edit Alternate forms
There are no alternate forms, this is just "lie" written in white. I instantly feel bad about writing this terrible pun.
edit Some common uses
White lies are most commonly created during conversations that are particularly awkward. A common, but heavy, white lie is the lie that parents tell their children about the birds and the bees (Or naked wrestling if they are caught in the act.) Unlike most lies, which merely manipulate knowledge centers in the brain, white lies boost the ego of anyone with the misfortune to be carrying one around with them (Not you, I'm sure) making them think that they are actually a better person than they are (again, not you.) However, this temporary boost in ego is greatly reduced after even a partial purging (especially in children. Which reminds me: Santa isn't real.)
edit Critiques of common lies
I love you
This one will get you laid a few times, but is much less effective when the recipient has heard it before.
You look great
Short, sweet, and simple. Very effective for the effort, but will not work multiple times in a row.
There's plenty of other fish in the sea.
Cliche for a reason. What that is I have no idea. Never say this to anyone.
Your breasts are perfectly sized for you body