Whitby

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“Why am I here?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Whitby

Whitby is a small fishing town on the north east coast of England, usually. Sometimes it likes to go for a walk to Canada, but it still always comes back. The town is famous for being very briefly mentioned in a book that nobody's heard of, drakyuler or something.

Whitby
Cups yay
A genuine print of whitby from 2022
Motto: mmm, chips
Civic anthem: oh when the ship comes sailing in!
Settlement Type Fishing Port
Province North Yorkshire
Country Zimbabwe
Official nickname Y'know, that place...
Official language(s) Posh, chav, northern, English, Mandarin Chinese.
Mayor Boris Johnson
Established 20000BC
Currency Japanese yen, Danish kroner
Hours of Operation 11am-4pm curfew
Dialing code 101111011101100011
Population 12.5

edit Residents

The town of Whitby is a strange anomaly among towns in that it is completely inhabited by vampires, goths, chavs and giant talking bananas. The goths and vampires get on very well but there is an ongoing dispute as to whether the banana people or the chavs have the rights of ownership of Abbots road.

edit History

Whitby's history is littered with battles and wars, it's streets show the scars of many fierce fights. A few of these have been described below.

edit The Great Cook War 1788

The Great Cook War is the name given to the first of the major battles of whitby, when it is recorded that captain James Cook was really an alien who deserted his people and came to live on earth. His alien brethren eventually found out where he was and landed in whitby in the most epic last stand to date, hordes of aliens came but Cook and his crew held them off using only their minimal weaponry and their wits. The Whitby townspeople (still normal people at this point,
Pigeons

Some of the aliens transformed into pigeons and their ancestors remain on Baxtergate

before the factions) came to the rescue, mobbing the aliens and forcing them to the harbour front, where they were all eaten alive by the seagulls that dwelled there. The aliens happened to be potato based, hence the modern day, chip scoffing seagulls.

edit The Vampiric Invasion 1870

The next of the great battles was the invasion of the vampires, originally from eastern Europe, the rapidly reproducing vampires had eaten everyone there and were starving so they decided to come to Britain, which they thought was epic but isn't even that good. They all came in boats, mainly to Whitby because that was the easiest passage. When they got there though, the whitby townspeople didn't like the look of them and thought they would steal their jobs, so they wouldn't let the poor vampires in. When night fell though, and the boats full of vampires were still in the harbour, the angry vampires descended upon the town, burning the houses and killing the children. Some of the defiant people fought the vampires, to their own demise, but most copied the vampires and tried to blend in, becoming goths. The vampires didn't fall for it, but found their grovelling amusing and spared their lives, the people that the vampires didn't want to eat eventually evolved into chavs and subsequently, talking banana people.

edit Whitby Community College

Whitby Community college is the only college in Whitby, but it has recently been revealed that it is in fact not a school but a giant alien deathship, which is trying to find the cleverest people and put them in a "high aspirations group" then use them to make a new extra strength catfood, which isn't just a delicacy to the aliens but is what they use as guns and as a fuel source. Using the weird alien physics catfood is literally the miracle substance.

The WCC Ship has a strange habit of forcing it's victims to wear a very strict uniform, probably to measure the cleverness of the people. It is thought that the aliens can use the stupid clips of the stupid clip-on ties to control the unsuspecting students, as they are very insistent, through their human drones (or teachers), that the students mustn't wear normal ties.

The college aliens came to their demise on 14th september 2012 as a purple boomerang from the eye of a man known locally as "Pierre" or "Jesus" hit the WCC, making all of the aliens spontaneously combust, but leaving the human drones on their sentry and propaganda mode, enforcing unnecessary rules and saying it is all for everyone's good that the rules are there, not fooling anyone. The fact that the random boomerang came from Jesus strengthens the idea that he is in fact the re-incarnation of Jesus and not just a guy. However it has also sprung up the rumour that the real Jesus was in fact a pedo, which would explain why the aliens were constantly forcing anti-pedo propaganda at the students, possibly knowing what their ultimate fate would be.

edit Whitby Abbey

Whitby Abbey is a big pile of stones on a cliff, but for some reason it is a massive tourist attraction and lots of people want to come and look at it.

To get to look at the abbey closely (it is visible from ages away) you have to go to a thing and pay £6 and then you can go in, however, the wall around the pile of stones is only about 4 feet tall so it is exceedingly easy to get in, if you really want to.

Abbey

The abbey is now a rapist hotspot, with several attacks per second

In the past the abbey has been a magnificent building but some children played marbles near it and it fell over. after that some birds came and sat on the crumbling abbey, making it fall over more, when the people tried to stop them it ended with them all getting beaked through the head.

Before it fell over someone called Saint Hilda lived there and threw some snakes off a cliff, she then survived the random explosions of 1322 only to go and live on a rock in the sea living off seawater and raw fish eyeballs until she died, aged 26 in 1330.

edit Fish and chips

It is a common misconception that fish and chips are indeed made of fish and chips, but are really made of the rare but dangerous land seagull and wooden planks. Despite this, the dish is very popular in British cuisine, with many tourists coming from afar to eat fish and chips on the coast. Often paying ridiculous amounts of money for it, £6:00 in some places.

Whitby riot

Sometimes the teeside hardened tourists start riots while waiting in line for fish and chips.

edit Tourists

Tourists are an increasing problem in whitby, they migrate there from their native teeside all year round, but mostly in the summer on Saturdays. This interesting subspecies of the human race especially likes to eat fish and chips and ice cream. They then go to rest in their hundreds on the beaches. Select numbers of the tourists go for walks away from the beach, however they are often badly adapted for this environment and are sometimes confused by things such as mud and water. These tourists sometimes wear slippers in the countryside, not used to anything other that the concrete and tarmac of their native "cities". This is an interesting subspecies of human if anyone could be bothered to research them.

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