Wheeling Jesuit University/Buildings/Metaphysical Plant
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
After the Byrdian Conflict of 1310, Solaris Khan of the Dschinghis Khan protectorate was given the unenviable task of returning university infrastructure to normal. As most of his limited resources were focused on ensuring that his colony was well-fed, he was forced to pursue other options. Consulting with a spirit medium from the future, Solaris Khan was told that the solution to his problem was to tap into otherworldly resources to bolster his standing army.
In 1356, after many years of research and focus by the best priests and elders of the Dschinghis Khan protectorate, a spirit link was achieved and ghosts from the World of Souls established communication with the protectorate. After many years of diplomatic negotiation, the ghosts agreed to work for the university and formed a union known as Metaphysical Plant.
Unbeknownst to Immortal Jesuit Emperor Fed Acker Huang, he had no clue that his construction of the Alma Grace Mugabe Center for Progressive Economic and Political Reform in 1990 would interfere with the spirit link. Enraged, many ghosts left the service of Wheeling Jesuit University, forcing the Emperor to hire Imps, who are much less cooperative than ghosts.
Although the few remaining ghosts worked diligently to upkeep the dorms, especially particularly blighted ones like T-More and Campion/McHugh, El Presidente replaced every ghost employed by Metaphysical Plant with Imps in 2003, his reason being that "ghosts are scary when there's a lot of them". The university has since fallen into disrepair not seen since the aftermath of the Byrdian Conflict, prompting concerns from the student body (all of whom were liquidated by the Office of Kulpability).
Although Metaphysical Plant overtly claims to offer the same services that were offered six hundred years ago, Imps have made contacting the plant extremely difficult due to Dark Magick that split the plant between two dimensions, forcing students to contact the Astral Plane Operator psychically before even reaching Metaphysical Plant's front desk. Should a student succeed in contacting the plant, odds are a staggering 150,000:1 that an Imp should respond to one's request.
The most notorious Imp neglect was the Spider Crisis of '94, when Imps at the Metaphysical Plant refused to take calls concerning a small spider colony discovered in the Ignatius kitchen in 1978. The spider colony went unattended to for almost twenty years, by which time the spiders had mutated into fifty-foot killers that rampaged across campus, killing fifteen. It was only stopped after Prince Coxar summoned a mighty blizzard to freeze all the spiders to death. In the aftermath, it was decided at the Moskau tribunals that Imps could not be tried under a human court of law. Shady Productions later released a big-budget film documenting the crisis.
edit Average Response Time
50 - 60 days.