What to do if you've killed someone
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Once you kill someone you're fucked , you need to decide what to do about it in order to make sure you are safe from the law. What follows is a step by step guide for this procedure. Please note that if you are a phantasm, zombie, or other dead apparition, you don't have to worry about this.
edit Disposal of the Body
Although murders can vary in many aspects, all of them leave a body. For your convenience, below are several of your options for disposal of said corpse.
Human bodies can be turned into ashes by setting them on fire. This process is among the easiest in your arsenal. All you do is create a large fire and throw in the body.
- Important Note: This is best done out-of-doors.
edit Hiding the Body
This is the most obvious (and common) method of concealing murder. In order to accomplish this feat, you must first find a good hiding spot, and then you must get rid of all traces of evidence that would prove that you committed the murder.
Another popular solution to the disposal problem is the consumption of the cadaver. To do this, simply follow these instructions:
- Remove the bones and veins from your victim (you may be able to use the smaller bones as toothpicks afterwards and the bigger bones, such as the hip bone, as a plate). Add Herb de Provence and boil slowly to make a good stock for a tasty and nutritious soup.
- Slice the cadaver into bite sized pieces.
- Place the pieces evenly into a casserole dish (or if preferred, the hip bone).
- Pour one (1) can cream of mushroom soup over them.
- Salt and pepper liberally.
- Sprinkle cheddar cheese over the top.
- Cook at 350 for twenty (20) minutes or until golden brown and crispy on the top. A knife inserted into the center should not come up bloody.
- Stand for 2 minutes until cool.
- Enjoy! Serves 5-8 people.
Did you know that human remains make good food for plants? Yes, your plants will probably eat your victims. The following will provide you with a how-to to get your plants to come in on an act of eating humans. If your plants become zombies plants, it is your own fault.
- Use some kind of machine to grind up the body into a fine powder.
- Sprinkle REAL compost into the finely powdered and bloody remains. A ratio of 1:5 human-compost ratio is recommended so you don't get caught.
- Mix it for a while, then mix some dog poop and trash with it, so people won't think that your compost smells like blood.
- It should now be looking like actual compost. To prevent police dogs from sniffing out the human in your compost, use it over a wide area.
- Buy some seeds from your local store, and plant them on your human compost. Water these plants and you have a perfect way to hide the body. In a few years, there will be no trace left, and you will have some carnivorous plants.
edit Wood Chipper
Commonly used for chipping wood, these handy devices can be re-purposed for chipping bodies. If you choose to go this route, follow the steps listed below to avoid injury, incarceration, or possibly both.
- If possible: freeze the body first to reduce the bloody mess and make it easier to gather and hide.
- Find a wood chipper. Acquiring one is as easy as:
- Special ordering from your neighborhood's killer-supply shop or renting from the local rental center (remember, cash only!).
- "Borrowing" one from a landscaper (without any intention of returning it).
- "Borrowing" one from a landscaper (with the intention of returning it and framing him).
- Make sure it is large enough to fit a person. Chain-sawing corpses in half proves conspicuous, so grab a large chipper instead.
- Stuff the body in head first, keeping in mind that it is easy to stuff yourself in by accident.
- Spray down the chipper with your garden hose (if not being used for a frame job) or just melt the wood chipper.
- Bury all of the scraps of flesh.
Obviously not every method of corpse-disposal has been listed above, and for good reason. This is your murder, and you should feel okay with breaking from the beaten path and getting creative. And above all, remember the axiom, "How much wood would a woodchipper chip if a woodchipper could chip wood?" and you can't go far wrong.
edit Staying Out of Jail
The second most important aspect of murder (the most important being the murder itself), is finding ways to get away with it. If for some reason you cannot follow the steps above for disposing of a body, you can try one of the methods below for staying out of jail. No single method, or 'glove', will fit all situations, so try each of them until you find one that 'fits'.
edit Leave No Evidence
This step is, sadly, often overlooked. Many people commit murder and forget that somewhere out there is a person that actually cares. Thus, it's important to remember these tips when attempting to keep a crime scene evidence-free:
- Remove any and all hairs. Lint rollers are the ideal solution, but you could also simply shave your entire body pre-murder (and if anyone asks you about it, claim you're trying to look futuristic or are about to swim in amarathon).
- Don't spit on the corpse. Many people feel the urge to spit on the bodies of their victims, but DNA evidence is far too incriminating to leave behind.
- Don't fuck the corpse. Same as above. This often leaves fluids that can be traced back to you.
- If using knives or guns, don't use anything exotic. Special blades or calibers are easier to track, and thus should be avoided.
- When "borrowing" equipment to commit a murder, don't let the owner know you've taken it. Plausible deniability is only effective when people cannot say for certain who used what last.
- Wear gloves. Fingerprints are like assholes; everyone has them, and if you leave yours behind you're definitely in a world of shit.
edit Frame Your Neighbor
Everyone has neighbors that suck, and most people wish their neighbors were either dead or in prison. Why not frame them for your own sins and solve two problems at once? Framing your neighbor can be as easy as placing the corpse into random luggage, labeling it with your neighbor's name, and leaving it unattended at the airport. This obviously works best if your neighbor is actually traveling. If not, simply dig a shallow grave in their backyard, dump the body, and make an anonymous call to the police.
edit Kill Someone That No One Important Cares About
Even though every murder is bound to upset at least one person, it's important to keep in mind that those people are often unimportant and can't legally do anything to you. Note that certain types of people are less important in certain areas. In the South, for example, Black people have little to no value and are unlikely to be missed by the racist elite.
edit If You Get Caught
Sometimes you're simply too drunk or stoned to properly dispose of a body and/or the evidence. When this happens, it's important to remember that your life isn't necessarily over. Juries are known to acquit people that are obviously guilty of murder. Sometimes it's because the accused is a celebrity, and sometimes it's because the accused happens to be the right kind of person in the right kind of place. Listed below are the right kinds of people to be in certain areas:
edit The Rich (Everywhere)
Everyone knows that rich people never go to jail. Even when a bloody glove is found on your property and the blood on it belongs to the dead person, jails aren't allowed to contain rich people. A popular alternative to jail that rich people use is known as Club Fed. This place is like prison, but strip searches are replaced with complementary champagne, anal rape is replaced by massage therapy, and long stays are replaced by 5-month stays.
edit Blacks (In LA)
- Do whatever it takes to become black. That way when you're arrested you can blame it all on racism. LA is mostly full of liberal hippies, and they will never question it when a black guy says he's being discriminated against. Questioning a claim of racism goes against the ancient Californian god, Negrophalus. For extra points, say the police beat you.
edit Whites (In the South)
- Don't be a minority, they look suspicious. They also smell suspicious, and their type aren't welcome here. If you can manage to pull it off, make absolutely sure that you tell everyone, "[You] didn't know [you] couldn't do that." It will work like a charm every time. White police get caught on video beating blacks and white juries acquit them. Getting acquitted after a killing? It's worth trying.
edit Average Citizens (In New York)
- District Attorney Jack McCoy detests: The police, Republicans, other lawyers, judges, private investigators, pharmaceutical executives, all other executives, gun manufacturers, the Russians, the rich, mayors, senators, civil servants in general, and anyone else who has any reason to be proud of themselves. If you find yourself in New York as one of these, quietly back away from the city and head to Baltimore. Jack McCoy has no jurisdiction there, except for when he does, in which case you're screwed.
edit Governors (In Illinois)
- In Illinois almost all governors are guilty of at least a few crimes. And, if you do get caught, you will only go to the Governor prison with all the other Illinois Governors.
edit Women (Everywhere)
- No one suspects women of being killers because they're hot, and they don't have the balls to commit a murder anyway. Just watch Basic Instinct. For half of you this will be easy, but for the other half, a rusty saw, some rubbing alcohol, and Tabasco sauce are needed in order to achieve this goal.
- Women can also sleep with the judge, the jury, and anyone else for extra points!
edit Butlers (Gotham City)
- Nobody ever suspects the Butler. Just think, what happened to the Joker after The Dark Knight? the Butler killed him.
If you end up killing people, and you're not black (or white), don't have enough X chromosomes, or enough money, it is possible to avoid getting caught by cutting your balls off (or sleeping with a black man so the coloring rubs off onto your skin).