What Would Jesus Do?
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What would Jesus do is the most popularly over-asked question in the history of man, just edging out, Baby, if you've never tried anal sex, how do you know you won't like it?. It is also the most asked question in the history of women, just ahead of Do you think this makes my ass look fat?
The question is commonly associated with dedicated followers of Christianity, but falsely so; true believers never ask that question as they know exactly what the Jesus would do. The simple query inspired the WWJD movement and spawned a multi million dollar a year industry producing such wholesome family oriented items as charitable bracelets, lighters, belly-cut t-shirts, the finest of bumper stickers printed only in the smallest existing illegible fonts on Earth, and beer cozies.
The capitalistic monster spawned by those four little words has grown into that which has lead some to believe that modern Jesus just wants to bank some loot, buy some bling, and bang some bitches. This may well be true as he declined any interview for this article.
Who would ask such a question?
The mere thought of the question is truly an attack on God, as it attempts to sully God's Grand Design of letting predestination and freewill fuck each other. And yet people still beg and plea for the answer. Who would commit such blasphemy? The question is generally asked by those with shaken faith and those whom circumstance made frightened, indecisive, and/or intoxicated.
The second group of people can easily be identified by the way they are too busy pissing their selves or hugging trees to devise a logical plan of action to remedy their current situation in life. Many askers of the question are too stoned, completely cuckoo, or dependent on others to sit back, relax, and truly reflect on what Jesus might do before jumping to their own conclusion. They simply fail to throughly examine what we currently know about Jesus's actions.
What we know about Jesus
If one is to believe in the gospels (which you should or someone will be by to burn your home down later), Jesus was one miraculous motherfucker. The man would certainly be pulling in top dollar on any Vegas stage today or be locked up in some top secret government facility raising a holy army of the the dead. His ability to walk on water, turn water into wine and presumably walk on that as well, along with the ability to resurrect himself after failing to complete dangerous tricks would make a poor man out of David Copperfield's old tired charlatan ass.
Jesus also displays a wonderful sense of humor and has a tendency to bug the insane and appear on random food items just for fun. He exemplified a happy go lucky lifestyle, rugged fashion sense, and pungent earthy aroma which trickled down to hippies and hobos for generations. His Make Love, Not War mentality would ultimately lead to his demise. The only thing we know about what Jesus has done is that he did it for our sins and it could get your ass tacked up like a Hang in There Kitty poster from the 1980's.
What Jesus just doesn't have time to do
Obviously, Jesus keeps a pretty busy schedule. The man receives at least 6 million e-vites a day and at least ten times as many IMs and text messages. With so much on his plate, he just doesn't have time to tend to everything, especially your insignificant little shit problems. Jesus intends on feeding the poor but figures that the aforementioned fashion sense given to hobos should be enough to score them food for now and tide them over. What type of sick bastard wouldn't feed them? They look like Jesus for Christ's sake.
Jesus also means to talk to the priests about the whole child molestation thing but his constant worrying about the backlash it may have on his message has slowed his effort. His followers seem to have grown to embrace the age old custom as really weird right of passage. He knows we are concerned about the so-called "hole" in the ozone but believes that white folks need to tan up before Armageddon. He'll get to it when he gets to it. Jesus hasn't even found the time to fix what he considers the world's greatest injustice or write those really creepy old guys a thank you letter for the frankincense, gold, and myrrh.
What Jesus flat out won't do
As kind and loving as the man may be, there are some things Jesus just won't do. Jesus fears midgets and he will never help the little guys as their tiny little sausage fingers make him ill and the little bastards constantly smell like peanut vomit. I bet that's why most of 'em don't see 40. He can't give you the lotto numbers; not because its unethical but because he doesn't know. It's the fucking lotto. As much as he enjoys watching his children make love and relishes every chance he can get to see some anal, he will never stop your lover from being disappointed if you cum first (no matter how loudly you both cry his name).
Jesus is captivated by classic rock and often finds himself at state fairs but refuses to stop carnival barkers from shooting smack because they smell like midgets. No matter how much G.W. Bush thanks him, Jesus won't say your welcome as he only knows him as Karl Rove's friend and frankly finds his attention disturbing. As disappointing as all of these things are, the most disappointing thing Jesus won't do is take his weapon and strike me down with all of his hatred so his journey towards the dark side will be complete and I can get a shot at his old man!
So what would Jesus do?
Besides attending state fairs, talking to crazy people, and showing up on random food items, there are several over things Jesus makes sure to do when the situation presents itself. Jesus loves to party! Partying is good, but Jesus always makes sure to finish his beer so as not to leave that nasty ass spit wash in the bottom of the can or bottle for some unsuspecting drunk to find later in the night. Jesus be nimble, and Jesus be quick. Jesus would limbo under the limbo stick. Jesus would ignore his responsibilities if given the chance to pleasure himself with psilocybin mushrooms, masturbation, or marijuana. Look at the man. He is obviously some sort of drugged out sex crazed hippie and we should be alright with that. He is Jesus.
Jesus would eat tootsie rolls and ride unicycles naked. He would flash a friend his package just to make him laugh. Jesus would covet the wife of a man just far enough away not to be considered a neighbor and then bare false witness against him. He would help McDonald's turn a larger profit by teaching their employees to fluff and not to stuff the fries in the carton. Jesus would seek adventure and would fear not the mysteries of taking it in the pail, for loved ones do that sort of thing for each other.
So does it all matter?
When you actually take the time to ponder the question, you'll begin to wonder if it all really matters. I mean when was the last time the guy did something genuinely useful, besides getting you laid at bible camp? When the shit hits the fan, wouldn't you rather take the guidance of the smartest person in shouting distance over some dude you've never really met and probably wouldn't answer you anyway? I know that if I'm going to waste my time contemplating pointlessly futile questions, I'd much rather know why my lover is so fearful of taking our relationship anal, or if that does indeed make her ass look fat.
- ^ Much like Stephen Colbert's wrist strong bracelet. That bump is for you Stephen. We're tight like that or at least I want us to be
- ^ You know, the ones where you can sometimes catch a peak of the rare under boob
- ^ homey be blowing up like Nagasaki, yo.