What If?:Dentists could time travel?
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Imagine a wonderful world, full of anesthesia and pain. A world where everyone throughout the entire course of history had a photogenic smile, free of cavities and toothaches. This is the world with dentists capable of time travel. Unfortunately, this isn't the world we live in, due to the lack of a certain device featured in the move Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. However, it sure is fun to consider what the heck would happen!
So what would they do first?
If given a functioning time machine the Orthodontic Union for the Care of Human teeth (or O.U.C.H.) would form a new acronym worthy group, called TODA (Time Oriented Dental Association). The individual oral care personnel within the organization would be called T.D.s, or Time Dentists, due to the lack of originality in the future. Although glorified in the future, a Time Dentist's job would be very dangerous, as one accidental push of a button could send you seconds before the meteor that made dinosaurs extinct hits the earth. It would be the duty of TODA to fix the teeth of each client's ancestors upon request. To help you understand how they would do this, here is a short screenplay describing the average day of a T.D.
The Adventures Of Nathanial the Time Dentist! (issue 41)
Prologue: It was an average, boring day for Nathanial. However, boring is a relative statement. As a matter of fact, many would consider Nat to have the coolest job in the world. What did he do? Protecting the ages from cavities, whitening teeth across the eras, distributing free dental floss throughout the centuries, he is a Time Dentist!
Nathan: My, Oh my! What an average boring day for our organization, TODA. Isn't that right, Smittens? (In the future, it is an international law that all Dentists must have an assistant with a silly name as part of the ridiculous laws passed in the United Nations, known as the Great April Fools Prank of 2248)
Smittens: Sure is Nathan! Oh look, the Dent-a-Phone is ringing!
Nathan: A client Smittens! We have a client! Put me on the line Smittens!
Smittens: Right away! -pushes a big red button conveniently located within siting distance of his secretary desk thanks to the fantastic engineers who designed it-
Nathan: -holding Dent-a-phone- Your speaking to TD Nathaniel of TODA, how may I help you?........Yes.......Uh huh...........Go on....WHAT?!?!.....Oh no! You mean your distant ancestor Dewey Lewey couldn't marry an attractive female he loved because of his crooked teeth? And he had to settle for someone a tad ugly? AND SHE PASSED DOWN HER UGLYNESS THROUGHOUT YOUR FAMILY'S GENERATIONS?!?!?! This is serious! Quick Smittens! To the Tooth Mobile!
After Traveling through Time and Arriving at the Exact Destination of Dewey Lewey by Traveling Faster than the Velocity of the Speed of Light and Manipulating the Gravity of the Universe to Temporarily Cease to Exist as to allow Time Travel to be Possible in Accordance with Einstein's Theory of Relitivity:
Nathan: Ah! Finally done traveling through time and arriving at the exact destination of Dewey Lewey by traveling faster than the velocity of the speed of light and manipulating the gravity of the universe to temporarily cease to exist as to allow time travel to be possible in accordance with Einstein's Theory of Relitivity. Feels wonderful to step back into the realm of time doesn't it smittens?
Smittens: I think I feel time-sick!
Nathan: Walk it off Smittens! Don't be a wussy. Hey look! There's Dewey Lewey!
Dewey Lewey: Hello good oddly dressed chaps! How do things fair on your end?
Nathan: We are quite dandy thank you! Well except for Smittens, he's a tad time sick.
Dewey Lewey: I beg your pardon?
Nathan: Nevermind, just let me have a look at your teeth. -inspects Dewey's fabulous bones designed for chewing- Hrm... everything seems alright. This is quite odd, unless...
Unknown: HAHAHAHAHA! TIME TO RUIN THIS SUCKERS TEETH!
Smittens: Oh no! Its the Sugary Centurion! What will we ever do TD Nathanial?
Nathan: I'm on it! Dental Superpowers, ACTIVATE! -super amazing whoosh noise-
Sugary Centurion: You won't beat me this time TD Nathanial! I have a trick up my sleeve! -rolls back sleeves- SUGAR CANNON, FIRE! -fires sugar cannon-
Nathan: Incredulous jumping incisors! This thing is bound to cause cavities in everything it hits! -pauses for a moment- Wait a minute! I have an idea! Quick Smittens, the chewing gum!
Smittens: Aye-eye TD Nathan! -tosses sugar-free chewing gum to Nathan-
Nathanial: Take this you Enormous Enamel Eroder! -shoves chewing gum in the Sugary Centurion's teeth-
Sugary Centurion: OUCH! My Undernourished teeth make chewing sugar free gum painful! If only I had drank my milk and brushed my teeth daily!
Nathanial: Your under arrest, Sugary Centurion, due to the fact that dentists in the future have legal authority to make public prosecutions! Maybe Next time you'll make your lollipops sugar-free you Crazy Cavity Causer! So what did we learn today Smittens?
Smittens: Always brush your teeth twice a day and floss once a day.
Nathan: Atta-boy Smittens! Atta-boy!
TO BE CONTINUED
Now Back to Reality
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Unfortunately, TD Nathan and his loyal assistant Smittens do not exist. But if the DID exist, this would be a very accurate portrayal of the daily life a TD expiriances. Until the time machine is invented, and until Dentists have the legal right to prosecute people under the full extent of the law, all we can do is dream and imagine what life would be like with dentists capable of Time Travel. Though you have to admit, having your own Tooth Mobile capable of traveling through time and arriving at the exact destination you desire by traveling faster than the velocity of the speed of light and manipulating the gravity of the universe to temporarily cease to exist as to allow time travel to be possible in accordance with Einstein's Theory of Relitivity would be pretty darn awesome.
- Time-travelling fried eggs
- Kitten (rhymes with Smittens)
- Alternate Universes I Seriously Hope Do Not Actually Exist