What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

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What I Want To Be When I Grow Up is a heartwarming children's novel/erotic Cold War thriller by J. Edgar Hoover. It was written in the summers between World War Two, Part One and That War Before Vietnam in a small shack rented out to Hoover.

edit Reviews

J. Edgar Hoover, in a characteristic act of oddity, appeared at the book's launch naked and drunk. He refused to allow anyone to read the novel unless they could guess his real middle name. Acclaimed pr0n film director, actor and set designer Micheal Moore suggested 'Eggbert', which Hoover excepted. Moore read the six-page novel over a fortnight and constructed a studious review, in which he claimed 'it really sucked'. He then went on to say the book contained:

  • Shouting
  • Bizarre pagan sex rituals
    • Bizarre pagan 'woman has a headache' rituals
    • Bizarre pagan 'man wants to sleep' rituals
    • Bizarre pagan Hungry Hungry Hippos rituals
  • Claims to be God written in red ink on the side of the book.
  • Vomit. (Most frighteningly, the exact same vomit was in every single copy of the book, not just Moore's.)
  • Kittens
  • Kitten huffing.
    • Kittens huffing other kittens while you watched helplessly.
    • Kittens huffing the previously mentioned kittens huffing other kittens while you watched helplessly.
    • Kittens huffing kittens huffing kittens eating ice cream made from squashed apricots while you went to get a snack from the kitchen.
    • Kittens deciding that huffing was sinful and abstaining until the light of the full moon in which they would dance around and huff your soul and eat squashed apricots.
  • Capybaras. So. Many. Capybaras.

edit Controversy

Part of the controversy of the novel comes from its provocative sub-title, Fuck You, later replaced with the less offensive Fuck You, Please in an attempt to persuade your mom to buy the book.

However, most of the controversy comes from the first page, which states:

Catholics suck. Muslims suck. Jews suck. 
Scientologists suck. Bhuddists suck. 
Rastafarians are of sound moral character 
but lack discipline. They still suck.

After three or so chapters of such rantings, the actual story starts, though there are so many Russian double-agents it is exceedingly difficult to tell what is going on. Once the heart-warming, heart-stopping novel reaches its climax, the rest of the book is completely blank. According to Hoover's publisher, it was 'a bold attempt to write the world's first 'write your own ending' book', but according to Hoover himself, it was 'for drawing maps of uncharted lands and using as toilet paper if you run out'.

edit Plot

It is very hard to find out the plot of the novel, because most copies have been bought and incinerated by angered critics. However, there are copies of the novel online, but true Hoover-scholars do not study these as they omit the three-chapter ranting, blank pages, vomiting and curry stains that every printed copy of the book contained. The blurb at the back of the novel is such:

William Shakespeare has three days to save the world.

Unthawed from his icy fortress, the previously evil agent 
has been re-trained in the deadly arts and let loose on 
the streets of Bangkok. With renowned field-mouse 
specialist Professor Fae Dae and trainee wizard Krobar, 
Shakespeare must rob a bank, discover the missing 
plutonium, find the Master Key and defeat Lenin before 
the Atomic Fire Robots are reawakened.

A punchy, pacy thriller from one of America's most 
distinguished presidents.

Those who were lucky enough to buy a copy of the book claim that this is roughly what the plot entails, despite the fact the blurb fails to mention every third word is 'seagull'. Hoover admits that he did this to 'make it longer', despite the fact that the book is only six pages long. When the blurb, rant, blank pages and all instances of 'seagull' are removed, the book is so short one can travel back in time by reading it.

edit Sequels

J. Edgar Hoover, after his most recent capture said that he would love to write a sequel. The sequel would see dashing series regular Doctor Walter Grenhelm join up with a beautiful treasure hunter and a wise-cracking capybara inside a souped-up Chevy as they tunnel to the centre of Soviet Russia to bury a nuclear device in the heart of Stalin without him ever knowing. But there is also a spy inside the Chevy. Is it Grenhelm, the beautiful treasure hunter, the wise-cracking capybara or the mysterious general known only as 'Hermann Goering'?

The next book in the series would focus mainly on gardening.

edit Possible Sequel Names

  • Wuthering Heights (Unlikely, already used)
  • The Chuck Norris Effect: Words Of Pain and Norris
  • Mission To China
  • Svetlana Greetings!
  • How To Steal A Boat
  • Star Wars (More likely, only used by obscure Finnish science fiction film)

edit Known Factual Errors In The Novel

  • Capybaras are not flammable.
    • Nor are they waterproof.
  • There were no bizarre pagan rituals conducted at Waterloo.
  • There were no bizarre pagan rituals conducted at Watergate.
  • Waterloo and Watergate are not the same place.
    • Or are they?
  • Napolean was not eight-feet tall.
  • The Eiffel tower has, to date, had several million visitors, not the handful of Swedish supermodels Hoover claimed. Freezing cold and high winds also make it unlikely that said supermodels would be naked.
  • Penguins are not a renewable power source. They never have been.
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