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Whale Wanking, or toss the harpoon is a maritime sport primarily enjoyed in Scandinavia and Hokkaido, Japan.
However, the sport was invented in Scotland, when the now infamous Wee Jock Plop McChoccyknock attempted to relieve an itch in his lower back by using a recently captured Whale's "baby-maker" as a scratching post, or so his family claim. Inadvertently arousing the beast with his gyrations, Wee Jock was surprised by a massive geyser of the whale's milky love ketchup, propelling him several hundred feet in the air. Unfortunately, he was caught in his descent by a vicious crosswind and propelled into a nearby volcano; but his sacrifice, witnessed by a traveling band of Swedish bestiophiles, was not in vain... the great sport of Whale wanking had been invented.
edit The rules
The rules are simple, any whale wanking contestant is given a maximum of five minutes to arouse the animal before positioning him/herself across the jock's eye in anticipation of the erupting sticky white whaline gravy. Failing to arouse the whale to the required point within the allotted five minutes leads to disqualification. Upon take off, highly technical equipment is applied to measure the height of the contestant's peak altitude.
edit The current whale wanking world record holder
The current world record holder for whale wanking is Emperoress Heather McCartney, who achieved 746 ft on an enormous tide of "pis amour blanc" in Oslo harbour, Norway on the 30 July 2008. McCartney, however, didn't receive confirmation of the record until nearly a month later due to allegations that the effort was alcohol assisted. The situation was eventually cleared up when the instigator of the allegations pointed out that he didn't mean that kind of legless.
edit List of world record holders
- 1902 Wee Jock Plop McChoccyknock
- 1904 Winston Churchill
- 1912 C.S. Lewis
- 1914 Kaiser Wilhelm
- 1924 Rudolph Hess
- 1931 Mighty Joe Young
- 1939-1945 (All record attempts suspended to due to the outbreak of a lack of interest)
- 1946 Spencer Tracy
- 1952 Pope Gregory I
- 1967 Coco Chanel
- 1969 Michael Caine
- 1972 'The Monkees'
- 1979 Somalia
- 1997 Donald Trump
- 2001 Dame Judy Dench
- 2005 Kim Il Jong
- 2007 Heather McCartney
- 2012 Samantha DV
edit Points of interest
Paris Hilton, in 2006, not fully understanding the rules mistakenly inserted the Whale's mast into her rectum and was filled with over 74 litres of steaming sack puke which took over three days to be pumped from her innards. Interestingly, Hilton made the same mistake a further 73 times throughout the course of 2007.
Conversely, Barry Bonds misread the rules and attempted to propel the whale into the air by shooting his own steroid inflated man-muck into the animals blowhole. However, despite this, the blue whale in question did manage to achieve a height of 17ft.
UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE! We have a new record holder as of late 2012. Sam DV, an unknown woman who denied a press conference broke the record with a whale that goes by the name of Steven! We never thought we'd see the day someone surpass Paris!