Weymouth

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Weymouth is a large English town and one of the more insignificant inhabitations found in the county of Dorset. It is, perhaps not to the satisfaction of its neighbours, situated on the southern coast and more recently at the heart of the Jurassic Coast, a World Heritage Site in recognition of the abundance of old fossils and dinosaurs that inhabit the town and "nicer" areas surrounding it.

Weymouth (population 3,000,500) is populated entirely by prison officers, tramps and former prisoners of the Borough's three jails currently studying for taking the arduous 'Tramp Knowledge' examinations.

Unit of currency : The Weymouth Wang. Exchange 1 Weywang = 1 moment of pointless reflection

Main Imports : Prisoners (in transit), Yachties, Alcopops, Niche Lagers Bristolians.

Main Exports : Prisoners (in transit), Yachties, Alcopuke, Niche Puke, Dorset Knobs

National Anthem : "Oh 2012 we love you 2012, when can we have our new road? we love you 2012" ( explanation : Weymouth has been approved as a departure point for a new 6 lane highway linking Dorset to Rio de Janeiro somewhere in South America ; the road will go out over the sea and cross the 30 miles to the coast of Little Britain where the residents there will finally have a land connection to Tierra del Fuego, then around Cape Horn, through a tunnel under the Panama Canal and onwards to Rio.

edit History

Weymouth was discovered by King George the Third when he dropped his marbles whilst robotic dancing and they rolled all the way downhill to the M27, through the New Forest and so onto this popular seaside town. Since poor George went mad and left us, everybody forgot about Weymouth until the "The Chuckle Brothers" rediscovered the town back in the twentieth century. Together with the help of Bobby Davro who opened a shoe shop, the town is now more exciting than Ankh Morpork ever was.

Experts theorise that history ended in Weymouth in some time in the late 1960s when it was decided that the continual ongoing of history was detrimental to the character and economy of the town and did not match with the already existing Georgian, Victorian and early 20th Century periods.

Remaining historical records, leftover from those not used to reinforce the walls of town's famous harbour indicate that local traders and businesses were particularly hard hit by the ongoing of history, with the proprietor of the local anti-establishment calendar shop reportedly saying: "My takings have been down by over a half this year. Last year, I'd get a lot of passing trade and interest, but this year it's a different story, the tourists are just staying away. It's chaos! The council really ought to do something, what was wrong with last year anyway?"

As a result of local pressure, a local by-law now forbids any form of change or addition within the town's boundaries that may constitute history; punishable by a torrent of misinformed moaning.

edit Religion

Much like the great ancient civilizations of South America (crossed with an agitated moth), religion within Weymouth is based on worship of funny lights aloft from the ground and the theme of prophecised doom to come in 2012. This no bad thing, what with the town experiencing some of the longest sunshine hours in the UK and, well, this year's doom would be much like any other year, but this time even worse and slightly more inconveniencing.

edit Famous People

Theatre comedian and pantomime dame Dave Lino was a resident of the town. From the end of the 19th into the early 20th century he trod the boards charming Weymouth’s local and holiday audiences alike with his bawdy humour. His famous catchphrase ‘Seamen? Enough to float a battleship! ‘ always struck a chord with the local ladies in the audience.

John Lydon, formerly Johnny Rotten of the notorious punk band The Sex Pistols, is currently lying low in the town, He hopes to emerge in the future with an Osama bin Laden tribute act.

David "The Duke" Dickinson, currently residing in a cardboard box under the Town Bridge, where his accommodation is rated "cheap as chips".

Former Doctor Who Tom Baker, who spends his boys prowling the promenade challenging passers-by to an all-in greek wrestling match, despite an ASBO banning him from carrying bottles of baby oil in a public place.

Celebrated wit, poet and playwright Oscar Wilde has been a resident in the town from 1973 to the present day. Propped in a seafront shelter with nothing but a bottle of Tesco Value Cider for company, Wilde passes his days organising the campaign to build a 300 foot illuminated statue of Kylie Minogue on the harbour entrance.

edit Law

As a result of public pressure, a local by-law allows for a roped-off 'Jimmy Area' on the seafront where tramps and winos may congregate and ask passers-by for the price of a cup of tea.

Weymouth law dictates that you may not hand them change as "They'll only spend it on beer and drugs."

It is illegal to own a spacehopper within the confines of Weymouth and Portland Borough, the result of a bizarre accident in 1978 which resulted in 25 fatalities amongst a visiting coachload of pensioners

Weymouth has recently found fame on the long running documentary 'Eastenders' where it has been chatted by Sean, Roxy and most famously Peggy. Residents, however, are in a state of uproar of the misrepresentation of the Seafront and Bowleaze Cove areas, where the programme clearly showed entry to the town from a dead end which ends at the former party hot-spot 'The Pleasure Dome'. Silly BBC, come the Olympics 2012, people from all over the world will be trying to enter the bourough using a road that simply doesn't exist.

edit Traditions

Traditionally in Weymouth, if you see a beggar in the street, you have to give them money, £10 being the going rate. They money is then used to purchase herion in the Needle Park District. "Herion" is made from ground-up beggars.

Weymouth has been recognised by the United Nations in as the Grab-a-Granny capital of the World. As such it was given a grant, which it blew on sherbet, scones and heroin.

edit Did You Know?

  • Weymouth and Portland is actually a miniature version of North and South America. If you don't believe me look on a map. The burrah was created by King George the Mad as a way of growing sugar and cannabis on his miniature plantations, closer to his home than the real Americas ever were (and ever will be *shakes fist*). The town now enjoys an American climate and many residents go to sugar-high parties and export weed for a living. Incidentally, Weymouth is now the only place outside America that Yanks know where it is. The one side affect is now the town is plagued by millions of miniature Americans, and most of the area has become Texas.
  • As a result of a clerical error, Weymouth is theoretically in a state of war with neighbouring Dorchester. If a citizen feels so inclined, he may take himself over the Ridgeway, relieve himself through any Dorchester letterbox and return to his home without fear of reprisal.
  • A widely used tradition in Weymouth is the naming of your child after the place that it was conceived (a la "Brooklyn" Beckham). "The Nothe", "Ally Gardens", "The Beach" and "Wey Valley School" are popular names. The more outgoing parents have named their offspring "Number 1 Bus", "Top Shop Changing Rooms" and the really chavvy parents have a selection of "Harrys", "Dorothys" and "Somerfield Car Park".
  • Weybiza is a prominent member of the Dorset resort spots, which include Bourbados, Swanerife, Wara Napa, Blan Diego - the best being Dorch Vegas.
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