Western Washington University
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Western Washington University, affectionately known by its inmates/inhabitants as ‘Western’, ‘home’, or ‘that hellhole’, is an educational facility located in the beautiful permafrost fields of Eastern Siberia. It has a reputation for learning that attracts people from all five corners of Kansas, as well as an excellent location with no problems or man eating otters.
No effort is made to conceal the school. In fact, the place is so mundane, that no effort whatsoever is made to hide anything. Anyone, including rabid conspiracy theorists, who says anything to the contrary is lying. There is no secret military base, there are no aliens, everyone is accounted for, and there is absolutely nothing out of the ordinary. Despite the absolute normalcy of Western, mentally unstable persons of questionable character repeatedly spread claims of UFO sightings.
...Is that these sightings of Western are nothing but weather balloons full of swamp gas being shot at by experimental military aircraft of Al Qaeda. Those aren't hangars, that's just meeting rooms. You know, for all that government bureaucracy. That so called runway is noting more than a drag racing strip for dog sled teams.
If that doesn't explain it, then it obviously must be some sick internet fetish.
No, wait! It's Bin Laden and his forty thieves!
No, it's magic. Magic explains everything.
It's a lot of things. But what it most certainly is not is a massive government coverup. Nope, no chance of that. Move along, nothing to see here.
The Secret Truth
What Johnny Blue Suit over there doesn’t want you to know is the real reason for these ‘auxiliary meeting rooms’; he seriously expects you to think of those barbed wire fences as little more than office décor. By that reasoning, the watch towers are water coolers and the armed Marines standing at every corner are janitors. Hah, nice try, but I know that real janitors don’t carry shovels and rifles (they carry mops and rifles, duh).
Western was started in the like, 1950’s when an unknown flying object crashed into Siberia. This can be attributed to a soviet attempt to match the incoherent glory that is our Roswell incident (their ‘incident’ has a similar name, except it involves a few backwards R’s, K’s and here and there a Z). You might say this is another government cover up, but ask yourself, isn’t it too implausible not to be true?
Anyway, where the impact of the Roswell UFO brought about such wonderful improvements such as the microchip and Viagra, the Russian equivalent brought one massive detriment to our society after another. The modern nature of this plague is varied, diverse, and they all stemmed from one core.
The visitors from the Siberian UFO not only survived, but landed intent on meeting our glorious human meat civilization. What they met was the business end of a dirt farmer’s shotgun. This sparked a concerted invasion effort by a species of small, hairy beasts called otters.
The war continued remorselessly for many years, until the Russians apparently vanquished the otters. Key Russian officials such as Josef Gorbachev Lenin decided that the threat be examined thoroughly and so a facility was built near the site of the original impact. This facility was known as Nekulturny Facilitat Westrnovvych.
This facility operated flawlessly for a considerable time, and many advances were made in Russian technology, including the RPG, vodka dispensers, and the ever infamous Stalin Mustache. However, it was discovered that prolonged exposure, even to the invaders’ remains, resulted in the corruption of the staff. The vast majority of the mutants, known as radyoaktyvny furrovichs, were killed off in Stalin’s purges. However, enough escaped to cause the plague we all fear today, as well as necessitate the dictate following the resolution of the war of 1812 that the facility be shut down.
The Russians ostensibly did so, and so the facility was razed to the ground and replaced with a university, which kept the name of the old facility, and as such was known as Western.
That is, coincidentally, also where babies come from.
In keeping with its sole purpose as a College campus, Western maintains a number of buildings generally associated with College campuses such as those seen in ‘Animal House’ or ‘Wayne’s World’. These include, and are partially limited to:
There exist dozens of classrooms in Western’s halls: this range includes thousand-person auditoriums/coliseums and three man ‘education closets’. Many of these rooms are equipped with ridiculously slow wireless internet and even slower cable TV. The teachers are given many tools with which to teach their students, as well as a chalkboard with words pre-drilled into it. These rooms are only accessible by elevators running the length of the walls, and they only run one way. Either you never get in, or you never get out.
The majority of Western's labs are located underground, and are by and large reserved for the professors, their assistants, and their janitors (not guards, you see). The nature of their research is commonly known to be for the good of the Russian people. There is no need to investigate by yourself. There is, however, a considerable need for willing lab partners. Recent lack of volunteers has resulted in mandatory service. Additionally, new workers are needed to finish the #4 morgue building.
The several million men, women, and weasels of Western’s populace require considerable housing arrangements to keep them relatively alive. These requirements are exceeded by the half-dozen ‘living auditoriums’, set up jointly by FEMA and KFC. These massive buildings contain endless tubes into which the students are packed. These include:
Fairhaven: a collection of the most artistically maintained buildings, these four house thirty seven thousand students, but due to the eccentric nature of its General Secretary, no men over fifteen are allowed. the living conditions can be said to be among the best in their parts of the world, but given the surroundings, there is an understandable lack of enthusiasm for that.
Buchanan Towers: as suggested, these buildings are in fact towers. Soaring eighty thousand nanometers into the skies, these spires house all of four people. These people are cycled through at an incredible rate: the lack of guardrails and waxed floors cause many people to fall to their deaths in the Pepsi-filled moat.
Ridgeway: These thirteen buildings are each assigned a different letter of the Cyrillic alphabet. The high amount of carcinogens and Ecstasy in the tapwater results in an incredible sense of nationalism: as everyone believes they are superior to everyone else, conflict breaks out regularly. This is particularly bad in the case of the building known as Alpha: the individual rooms have declared war on each other and small four-man wars rage without end. All told, these halls hold three hundred people.
The remainder of the school’s population lives outside and deals with it.
Each Hall features its own food generation center, known as a ‘dining hall’. These facilities utilize state-of-the-art technology to reprocess food into semi-edible gruel. The theory behind it is that the less nutrients people get, the more likely they are to die, and thus the less they have to feed.
The gruel is, thankfully, then reprocessed into varieties of food. Items include bread, water, ham byproducts, bread byproducts, and deuterium. There is an annual celebration held on the fifth Sunday of every month in which the school traces its origins to the omelette in a festive and bloody series of activities, known cordially as Omelette Day.
Western prides itself on being within the top four schools in their part of Eastern Siberia, being second only to Vodka State Technical College. Their reputation for success, despite being cleverly concealed, is brought through the roof by Western’s programs for the advancement of humanity and destruction of people we don’t like.
Despite Western’s nature as an educational research facility, lack of willing people has meant that other subjects need to be taught in order to bring in more victims. These are, by and large, subjects one would find at other schools, but at Western one will find distinctly dark overtones behind it all. Some exceptional subjects include:
English: For those of us who delude ourselves into thinking we’re the next Tolkien. At Western, great care is taken to ensure that everyone’s writing is exactly alike, as similar writing styles will mean larger book series, despite them all being about mutant otters eating students.
Of note: ENG 102, ENG 104, ENG 666
Math: for the masochist in us all, Western’s math department specializes in coming up with revolutionary formulas, the likes of which baffle even the most spectacular scientists. Unfortunately, these are also unleashed on unsuspecting students. A 67% suicide rate is completely unrelated.
Of note: MATH 114, MATH 25 ½, MATH 350^87 * 125%
Environmental Science: In this day and age of environmental awareness, no school lags behind Western’s incredibly complex program for saving our precious earth from global warming and Alec Baldwin. Students are treated to a thirty mile hike through the neighboring Siberian wasteland, as well as taught to protect the local wolves from vicious otters.
Of note: ENV 101, …that’s it. No one survives 101.
Chemistry: Chemistry is regarded as witchcraft by the administration at Western. Any student caught participating in such demonic activities will be shot on sight.
Of note: Nothing to see here
Theatre: Western puts great stock in its… drama… program… HA HA HA HA! HOO HO HO! Theatre majors! Really? Hahahaha! HAHAHA! Good luck getting a job! HAHAHA! Maybe you'll entertain some wolves? BLEHEHEH!
Of note: HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Western requires some means of keeping its students and staff placated and gullible. Were they to recover their senses, the people would rise up and eviscerate the proletariat. Thankfully, this role is handled spectacularly by the local sports team, the Western Capitalist Pigs!
They manage to play every sport someone can come up with, including American favorites such as Baseball, football, Stick ball, and hit-other-people’s-heads-with-your-head-ball. With their spectacular versatility, the Pigs fail to succeed at any of them, and as a result any victory is usually due to a tragic case of bullet wounds on the part of the other team.
The school’s fan base is something to behold, however, as the school usually experiences 100% attendance at its various events. This is in no part due to the lack of heating in all other parts of the school at that time.
Western, despite being a typical indoctrination/torture/ice cream center, has its own quirks, as most places do. These add to the character of the school, with a slight price paid in human lives.
-Western is responsible for the creation of the personal computer. A team of scientists invented it in the late 1900’s as a means to break the windows of their cells. Every computer, including this one, has a warm tender coating of blood on the inside, as a gift from their severed heads to you!
-There is an incredible variety of clubs at Western. This is due to the requirement forced upon each student to socialize, and helps build people skills. Some notable clubs include the honor society, the dishonor society, students against otters, and the environmental society ( now recruiting to make up for recent loss- I mean for fun times!)
-Western's president is none other than the legendary Ron Paul. His creative, firm, and unforgiving leadership is what has brought the school to where it is today. His current plans involve using the student populace to commit genocide, then to have the entire school blast off into space. Somehow.
-Western has a rivalry going on, not with a neighboring school, but with the country of Pakistan. No one is quite sure why, but this rivalry encourages everyone to do their part, support their school, and die for the motherland.
-You may have noticed all the references to otters in this article. Western is seeking assistance from anyone who can help them rid the world of the otter menace. Because they’re certainly trying to rid themselves of us; they number in the millions, all of them, standing out there, just beyond the walls, plotting, scheming, and singing.
-Ignore that. There are no otters. Those are just Capitalist lies meant to deceive you and deter you from getting a good education. There is absolutely no chance that you will mysteriously disappear three days into your stay, be roasted alive and served with a side of yams and cranberry sauce. That's just nonsense.
-OH GOD THEY'VE LEARNED OUR LANGUAGE! THEY'RE ADAPTING! JUST KEEP THEM AWAY FROM OUR INTERN--(incoherent screaming and snarling noises).