West Ham
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“I'm forever blowing Bubbles”
“Wiv aught me barra me auld cock-sparra”
~ Muttered by all inhabitants - Translation needed
West Ham (pron: West 'aaaam) Are on a par with if not slightly behind their older, more attractive brother, Millwall. Growing up side by side in the streets of Philidelphia, West Ham and Millwall famously fell out after Millwall refused to let West Ham watch Rainbow and Thomas the Tank engine after they got home from school. West Ham has never let this go despite years of Millwall trying to bury the hatchet and sending West Ham several Rainbow Collectors Edition DVDs and Bungle's head on a plate, signed by Zippy and Geoffry (but sadly not George).
Recently, the 'ammers have been in the spotlight over the controversial signing of Argentinians Javier Mascherano and Carlos Tevez. The double-transfer seemed odd to most within the football community. This was because unlike any other East Spam players in living memory, the Argies could actually play a bit. However, it turned out the transfers were bent. This resulted in a big ass fine which was handed over to Sheffield United.
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[edit] History
West Ham originated as Great Ham and is mentioned in the Domesday Book as owning three hundred acres of cesspit and two pigs. Due to the religious schism of the HenriVIIIian Era, Great Ham split into East and West Ham taking one pig each, but with East Ham taking most of the CDs.
In the mid 1800s Ironworks ware a popular pastime. Some of the most popular Ironworks were situated along the local river Thames, and as locals joined forces to create bigger and bigger Ironworks the Academy of Ironworks was born. In 1898, between the fish course and the salad, several people overcome with boredom started playing football. A competitive game between the new team and the neighbouring Mill-Wall Ironworks produced a 0-0 draw and degenerated into a fight which persists to this day. The hobby of Ironworking continued until the First World War when all the club members were melted down and used in France.
The team was almost universally successful but produced several thousand players over the next hundred years who were hugely famous the instant they joined rival clubs. The club's fans called 'Irons' (an unfortunate name for an East-ender who knows anything about rhyming slang) are all, to a man, sturdy, upright, charismatic, brave, stoic and honourable. Honest. West Ham are known for forcing out managers who have managed them well. Despite Alan Curbishley winning the championship 10 times in a row and the team scoring over 10000 goals in the process the fans wre said to be 'bored' and 'disgruntled', so The Nicest Man in the World Ever Gianfranco Zola took over, and commanded authority, despite being only 3 foot 7 inches tall, by showing the awful strikers in his team that he's much, much better than all of them.
i love to bum my mum
[edit] Culture
West Ham is totally devoid of culture. In fact, not only is it devoid of culture, but it also rocks more than any other club on the face of the Earth in and destroys other clubs from other areas of Bugger. One such item of culture which was sucked from the USA was a popular song called 'I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles' written in 1919. For no apparent reason this song was not destroyed, but kidnapped and tortured publicly every Saturday. The song also suffers the pain and indignity of being sung in 4/4 as well as its original 3/4, thus becoming the only 4/4 waltz in the world.
One thing: Butchers are held as holy people. Anthropologists who attempt to discover the cause for this tribal behaviour are often eaten, but rarely digested. Very anti-American.
[edit] The Football Team
The team is made up from random people picked by Divine Judgement, each are paid their weight in sweets and chocolate weekly. They are a bunch of innocent Cockney cheeky chappies who are everyone's second team (although in truth most are from Essex) and we will all be very stupid looking when they realise we didn't get relegated, especially those cunts at Spurs.
The teams greatest ever player is Teddy Sheringham who, funnily enough, is Millwall's record goalscorer. Sheringham once scored using only his eyelids - it was against the West Ham reserves. Sadly, Sheringham has now left to join Colchester Town United Athletic
On 11th December 2006, the Chief Beholder of the Butchers Knife of Ham, Alan Pardew angered His Imperial Majesty Emperor Eggert Magnússon by sleeping with his wife, this led to Alan Pardew being cut up and processed into sausage meat for the hungry Reading A Book FC fans who have disliked Pardew since he buggered off to West Ham.
There are about three hundred and twenty five strikers at the club, none of them capable of scoring goals and each one of them useless in their own special way. The worst of all the two hundred footballers called 'HareCole', a giant black man who has immense strength and speed but incidentally destroys all those around him when he dies.
[edit] UN Concerns
The United Nations Security Council has made repeated attempts to force the West Ham government to make a reckoning of the human rights abuses in their nation. Robberies are uncommon since their money and goods are worthless, even in their own country.
The official West Ham response is as follows:
"Fuck Millwall! We rule!!!"
[edit] Paranoia
Despite possessing the most notorious, violent and racist (Racist? have you people actually seen Cass Pennant?) football firm in Britain, Wet Spam have traditionally seen themselves as a warm and cuddly 'family' club supported by gord-blimey strike-a-light genuine Eastenders from Basildon and Billericay, as well as being everyone else's second club. No matter that they have earned no (0, zero) trophies for the past 27 years, everyone loves them. Or perhaps the fact that have been a joke club for 30 years is the reason that aren't worth hating. This has changed radically during the 2006/7 season, to being hated and derided by the rest of the football league and appearing on the back pages of the tabloids accused of something new every week.
It is possible that this may make them stop being so nice to everyone, and start winning for a change.
[edit] Squad
1. Rubber Man Green - Elastaced goalkeeper with a face that looks like it belongs in a J.R.R Tolkien book. Famously from Norfolk. Make your own joke.
2. Fluke-ass Neel - Australian mercenary and former Neighbours cast member. Also goes under the name Guy Pearce. Once broke Fabio Grosso's leg with his torso, Jaime Caarragher's leg with his other leg and Blackburn's sense of decency with his ego. Is Judas's second cousin by marriage.
3. George Harrison Paul McCartney - Failed experiment to merge, via DNA mixing, two members of The Beatles in order to create a super-musician. Aborted when he emerged as Northern Irish. Was sent to Sunderland before being bought by the Spam for about a fiver.
4. Danny Gabbilogan - Welsh woman who never plays because he suffers an injury known in the profession as "death".
5. Anton 'Rio's Little Brother' Ferdinand - Says it all. Went to Sunderland because he 'got' the hint that west ham are balls
6. Bobby Moore - Like Gabbilogan, dead. But still Hammer of the year for 42 years running.
7. Scott Youcantparkhereitsmyarse - Ginger spotty twat who wanks to luther vandross songs.
8. Julyan Faupaux - Lithe Stephane Dalmat clone, who turned down the bright lights of Glasgow for...um...the bright lights of the East End. Not much doing really.
9. Dixie Dean Ashtray -BallBag. Nuff said. Mr. Albino
10. Craig Bellend - Welsh convict and pirate rejected by the Green Street Firm for being too much of a cunt. Brother of Joey Barton. Has the biggest mouth known to man and Kieran Dire cannot wait to beat him up in the showers. Ungrateful bastard.
11. Kieran 'Sick Note' Dire - diarrohear. Child Porn Star
12. Matthew Uptosomething - Suspiciously good centre back, who's reasons for playing for the Spam are a mystery. Has been interviewed by police.
13. Carlton 'Palmer' Cole - One time promising striker who tragically has come down with Ade Akinbiyi syndrome.
14. Leashless Bowyer - Quintessential British Chav who plays professional football for some reason. Invented flubber
31.Jack 'The New Giggs' Collison - Welsh Legend In The Making but has less hair on his chest.
[edit] Chants
- (To Wayne Rooney) He's fat, he's scouse, he's probably robbed your house...
- (To Jose Mourinho) Jose - wherever you may be, Ji-Sung Park ate your dog for tea, Mourinho you dog is dead, go feed it to Fat Frank instead.
- (To anyone who will listen) "We only sing when we're cheating"
[edit] And also...
West Ham tend to sell players just before the players turn into international superstars ie. Frank Lampard, Joe Cole, Rio Ferdinand, and many hundreds more. No doubt they will sell Tevez and Mascherano soon (OH WAIT! They already have!!), just to keep up this trend and prevent them from ever winning anything, its a tradition they wish to uphold y'know. Of course they still maintain a good bank account, as they tend to sell their best players to Chelski FC (just like everyone else), so West Ham would be a rich club if they didn't keep wasting their money on sweets to pay players.
[edit] Record Transfers
Sold:
- Carlos Tevez to Manchester United - £f**ked over by Kia Joorabchianihinahinnon
- Frank Lampard to Chelsea - 13000 packets of Wine Gums
- Joe Cole to Chelsea - 10000 Chocolate bars
- Rio Ferdinand to Leeds United - £12 billion
Bought:
- Freddie Ljundberg from Arsenal - £20 of Ikea vouchers
- Lee Bowyer from Newcastle - 120 bottles of Newc'stle Brun Ale
- Kieron Dire - undisclosed sum (thought to be in the region of "too much")
- Julyan Faupaux - 3 packets of crossaints from M&S and 1 bottle of terrible french wine
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