West Country

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Westcountrymap

Absolutely nowhere near London. Or Scotland.

“Why yes, one can procure such things in the local public house.”
~ A West Country scholar on a translation exercise
“Arr”
~ A West Country villager on similar subjects

The West Country is a small country in northern Europe which borders the countries of England and Wales. It includes Cornwall Devon and Somerset but distances itself as best as possible from Bristol, and certainly has nothing do to with Wales.

It became an independent country in 2010 following the general election of David Cameron when in a mass movement the entire population rose up, sealed off their borders, took control of government buildings and refused to follow instructions from a man who was obviously such a complete idiot.

Since 2010 the country's economy has grown gradually, and it continues to be a popular destination for Americans in addition to London and Scotland. The people of the West Country are called Publicans.

edit Small Towns

All small towns in the West Country must legally only consist of one street, one shop, two to five houses and not more than three pubs. There is no limit on the number of Post Offices. These quaint little communities are known for their loveable characters who each have their own little quirks.

More people own a pub in the West Country than those who don't, and yet all still generate vast quantities of profit. This is due to local drinking restrictions which force landlords to drink most of their alcohol in the establishment of another publican.

Roundabout

Do not learn to drive in Swindon.

edit Big Towns

The West Country is permitted one Big Town per county. The careful development planning and high investmen] in these economic hubs has led to such jewels of England's countryside as Swindon, Bristol,Frome and Bath. The Government has announced its intention to expand smaller towns in the area to match such heights of architectural beauty and diverse community spirit. God help Wootton Bassett and co.

edit Pointless Monuments

White horse

White Horse my arse. That's a ferret.

The West Country is home to a Stonehenge which they used to predict eclipses 3000 years before the Christians admitted they could do it, and Avebury which is a hill.

The White Horses of the West Country are not real in the sense that they breathe, neigh and eat grass. In fact, they are not real in most senses, except in the sense that they are not.

Most White Horses were made out of Stone Age talcum powder by Neanderthals who... what were they trying to do exactly? What were they actually hoping to achieve by making huge white horses? Maybe it was a virility thing, it usually is.

edit Rambling

Rambling is the favourite pastime of everyone in the West Country. It involves putting on five layers of waterproof clothing, a pair of hiking boots, and stomping around the countryside looking for things to complain about. Around seventy ramblers are recorded missing every year assumed to be abducted by hippies.

edit See also

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