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The werehamster is a rare and beautiful creature found only in certain internet chatrooms and the streets of some small cities. A highly unusual variation of the werewolf, it is a truly wonderful sight should you happen to come across one.
Werehamsters, like their close relative the werewolf, appear to be normal humans most of the time. However, at the full moon, they transform into large, fanged, hamsters, and rampage through their habitat alarming other small animals and draining the blood from lettuces and other hapless vegetables. They are usually vegetarian but due to declining numbers they have been forced to become more aggressive to survive, and many have developed a taste for the human posterior.
edit Becoming a Werehamster
There are three ways to become a werehamster:
- Being bitten by an existing werehamster, usually on the posterior.
- Being bitten by a normal hamster under the light of a full moon.
- Being bitten by a normal hamster then being bitten by a werewolf within one lunar cycle (if this happens to you then checking your karmic balance is advisable because you must have done something horrible to someone)
If you are attacked by a werehamster, and don't want to become one, there are several ways to defend yourself from the savage rodent. Werehamsters, like werewolves, are allergic to silver. However, in their case it is only severe enough to cause mild itching and will not deter a truly determined attack. Killing a werehamster is unadvised as they are an endangered species and may return as zombies to haunt you at a later date. If you must kill a werehamster however, a stab to the heart with a carrot usually does the trick.
edit Spotting Werehamsters
there are many differences between a werehamster and a normal one. Firstly, werehamsters are larger and their fur is longer. Secondly, werehamsters have red eyes, not little black beady ones. Thirdly, it is thought that some werehamsters retain the power of speech when in hamster form.
However, the main difference is this; normal hamsters are evil psychopaths plotting world domination, werehamsters on the other hand make great pets as they are just misunderstood.
edit Caring for your Werehamster
As mentioned above, werehamsters make great pets. They are affectionate, loving, and their fur is extremely soft and hypoalergenic. As a rule, they will only be in hamster form during the full moon, but they can transform at will at any other time. During this time, treat it as a normal hamster, only with less caution and more respect. Commonly, the creature's human form will be an emo kid. As most people know, emos also make great pets, so long as they are kept away from sharp objects. Stroking the fur of a werehamster is considered to be extremely therapeutic, whether they are in hamster or human form.
edit The Origin of Werehamsters
No one is entirely sure how werehamsters first came to be. there are many different theories on this topic and some of them are explained here:
- That werehamsters came about when an extremely unlucky person (check karmic balance, people) possibly Richard Hammond was transformed into one using the third method listed above.
- That a computer virus struck an innocent chat room one day (if chatrooms can be innocent) transforming everyone there into cyber-werehamsters. These people, crazed by grief at their predicament, decided to form a secret online cult of werehamsters, where they virtually attacked and bit other poor souls who entered the chatroom. It is believed this is the origin of the cyber-werehamster, the breed of werehamster that haunts internet chatrooms, and is more common than the real werehamster, due the the fact that they are more common.
- That some unfortunate person, again possibly richard hammond invoked the wrath of the hamster god Fluffy and was transformed into a werehamster to forever remind them of their sins. This person (shall we just call him Richard?) roamed the world seeking revenge on the great Fluffy, but just ended up biting several peoples posteriors and co-hosting a British car show.
It is undisputed among these theorists that Richard Hammond was the first or one of the first werehamsters. Their argument is that why would his good friends James May and Jeremy Clarkson call him 'Hamster' if he is not, in fact, a hamster. It is believed by many of these theorists that there is a massive BBC conspiracy to cover up Richard Hammond's Hamstercanthropy, as they do not want us to know that our favourite drag-racer crashing presenter is in fact a savage butt-biting monster.
edit Famous Werehamsters
- Richard Hammond (the original Werehamster)
- Patrick Stump
- Marilyn Manson
- Seth, Scourge of Red Cabbage