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“All the Welsh may shag sheep; however, I had sex with a goat!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Welsh

“Ble mae fy nefaid? (Trans: Where are my sheep?)
~ Oscar Wilde on Sheep

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about the Welsh.

Welsh may refer to the sheep of Wales, or to their language. It may also be used to designate whales. The name 'Welsh' is derived from 'Wellish', because people are lazy and like using as few letters as possible, making their language looking like if a computer's on the blink and keeps typing loads of y, w, l, g, and f. If it continues on in this way, the word will become 'Wlsh' within 45 years. The favourite Welsh pastime, of course, is shagging sheep.[1]

Welsh Language


Wor', emi onge inthawen new?

Main article: Welsh language

Not to be confused with Wenglish. Of course, nobody cares anyway.

When England invaded Wales in 1666BC, they asked the Welsh if they actually had anything worth invading Wales for. The Welsh, embarrassed that the only things they had were sheep, said they had their own language too, which was not true at the time. When the English asked them to speak Welsh, they improvised a load of gibberish, pretending to understand each other. And so, for 3676 years the Welsh people have spoken their gibberish, writing it using the only letters they know: w, f, l, g, d, n and t. They double up a few of these like "l", "d", and "f" and say these are letters all their own, just so they can say their alphabet has more than seven letters. After years of studying the language, many people admit that the Welsh language is a beautiful thing that is older than most languages in the Western World.

If you add the three letters 'iau' (ee - eye) onto the end of any word, it automatically turns Welsh; for example, cup is cupiau and bed would be bediau.

Welsh People


Why look here fellows, a Welshman is trying to play badminton. Isn't that quite charming?

Little is known about the Welsh. We know they smell like chip shops, they like to make jokes that only Welsh people can understand, they live in giant fish that can't breathe under water, they have their own strange fast-paced language that they call "Llyddpwdlldddddddddddddd" and that they have an odd ability to telepathically communicate with Chinese people. It is highly possible that the Welsh seek to dominate the world with the Chinese or simply buy their lamas from Tibet. Many confuse the Welsh language with an outrageous idea called "Cymraeg", which actually is spoken in Liverpool.

One iconic figure in Welsh mythology is Tim Grubb, an ex-sas south Walian lunatic. After leaving the sas he wanted to continue to inflict pain on young men from north Wales by punishing an illegal immigrant called pop. Tim did not speak Welsh nor English, but rather a hybrid of these known as 'Wenglish' or Welsh English.

These beings are otherwise unknown to us and may be more dangerous than we give them credit for - just think about it, all those rugby players in one country? They must be training for something. Evidence has been found that suggests Wales has a much smaller population than is supposed - the Welsh just move around a lot making it difficult to count them.

The leaders of this strange race, Tom Jones and Charlotte Church, have made the people of the world trust them by hypnotising them with their singing, so they have the opportunity to broadcast their voices all over the world: when the Welsh hear this signal they will spring into action and capture all those who were listening and make them do their bidding and force them to speak Welsh. They will capture world leaders and force the few that weren't listening to go into hiding.

Evidence suggests that the Welsh originated from fresh tomatoes on the vine between 1945 and 1946. The earliest fossilised remains of a Welsh man were found in the Brymbo Valley by archaeologists in 1950. Carbon dating estimates that "Brymbo man" lived between 1946 and 1947.

An early Welshman of note was John Wheel, a moral philosopher and pioneering mathematician.

People who don't love the Welsh in equal measure

  • That guy
  • Jealous Englishmen
  • Abraham Simpson chased all the Welsh (and Irish) out of Springfield.
  • Jeremy Clarkson put 3D map of Wales in the microwave.
  • The Spanish Inquisition

People the Welsh don't love

  • Borris Johnson leader of 'the big smoke'.
  • Anne Robinson racist ginger woman off the telly.
  • The Spanish Inquisition
  • The author of this article


  1. Consequently, the Welsh are able to still provide a pronunciation for this spelling.

See also

Did you know...
The Welsh are commonly refered to as "the Irish who couldn't swim" in England.
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