Wells College

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"Ah, yes, Wells College. Dreadful place, simply full of girls. It held no interest as penises are all that matter in this day and age.

   ~ Oscar Wilde  on  Wells College in 1863

"Wells College is a place of magical dreams and the endless possibilities of boy love. I simply ignore the lesbians, as do the administration."

   ~ Oscar Wilde  on  Wells College in 2005

[edit] History of the College

Wells College was founded in 42 B.C. by the members of the band Judas Priest. They named it after their favourite source of water, and their second-favourite mode of transportation to feudal Japan. Located in Aurora, New York, Wells College was the premiere school for those pursuing professional bowling and/or sumo wrestling. Double majors frequently rolled into one another later on in life.

Originally a women's college, in the year 2005 they opened their doors to men, extraterrestrials, and muggles. The most popular majors now include Crustacean Voodoo, Ritual Cannibalism, and English. Famous alums include women, The Boondock Saints, and Campbell's Soup.

Judas Priest, Founders of Wells College

Wells' motto is "Habare et Dispertire" which, when loosely translated, means: "Gaul as a whole is divided into three parts, one part of which later became Luxembourg."

[edit] Testosterone Intake of Wells College

The 4th Co-ed class is now attending the college, and the transition has been smooth. If by smooth one means, "Full of veiled and not-so-veiled hostility, occasional dirty looks, and the occasional naive freshman boy found dead for saying feminism isn't all it's cracked up to be." On the positive side most men who attend Wells are found to be docile and non-threatening, whether they fit in at Wells because of this or were broken into such a state is unknown.

However, the recent influx of a basketball team has allowed for a quicker transition away from academics and into mainstream college culture. However, with access to Wells being limited to the magical wells placed randomly around the world, actual integration with mainstream culture has been reduced despite all attempts.

Currently ten of the original 37 male students of the first co-ed freshmen class ('09 -- Go Odds!) are slatted to graduate in the spring. This can be explained by the werebeast of the wood's extreme appetite and nightly prowls. The male population was an extremely rare treat up until fall of 2005 and were rapidly consumed upon their arrival to the campus. However, with the recent surge of testosterone with continuing classes, it can only be assumed that said werebeast has gorged itself too much on the class of '09 and must be suffering from heartburn.

[edit] Wells Changes for the Better

When Judas Priest lost the rights of the College to Henry Wells in the 1978 Zombie Battle for Human Control, the also lost all say in the functioning of Wells. The new administration hired Dean El Diablo to replaced the competency of Judas Priest's

In the fall of 2008 Wells College proclaimed itself a "Smoke-Free" campus, with covert plans by Dean El Diablo to make the campus dry as soon as possible. The Senior class of 09 attempted to stand firm against all changes, calling upon Bulbasaur, Megatron, and even Chuck Norris to alleviate the situation. But though fighting valliantly Bulbasaur and Megatron were ultimately defeated and Chuck Norris had more important things to attend to (like saving the world from Brad Pitt's eyebrows or cleaning out his toe lint to provide food for the homeless) -- needless to say a small college was beneath the Great One's attention. The Class of '09 lost the battle to inhale toxins at their own discression while within what Dean El Diablo cited as "my dominion." Now said smokers must not only risk their lungs and general health to cigarettes, but must also stand in the road to smoke, as that property is owned by the Blessed United States of America and is unable to be contaminated by the reach of Dean El Diablo.

The progression to a dry campus is ill-advised and subsequently thought a good idea. Current students wonder if the college is attempting to mainstream why they are being shoved back through the local time rift into the 1920's. Current actions are being taken to get either The Doctor or Captain Jack Harkness to cite heinous misuse of Time Vortexes and subsequently come alleviate their grief.

[edit] Judas Priest and Commencement

Judas Priest attends the graduation ceremony every year to bequeath the graduates with either amazing rock talent or a TARDIS. So far almost every graduate has taken the amazing rock talent. However, there are a few notable exceptions: The Doctor, Mother Teresa, Charro, and The Boondock Saints.

[edit] Traditions

With the course of figureheads at Wells college, many important traditions range from each. Under Judas Priest the wild parties and skills with intoxication were promoted. With the Zombie of Henry Wells, ritualistic canabalism and afternoon tea were introduced. And with Dean El Diablo, systematic rebellion and performance art have taken hold. However, some traditions rival all these created ideas. They are student created, and therefore endure epically.

A Brief List of Badass Student Tradtions:

The Odd/Even Basketball Tournament and Sing-Off-Along
Naked seniors jumping into nearby Cayuga Lake
Having Kava circles
Wish Children Carving
Mattress Surfing
Mattress bowling
Mattress hiding
Poor Administration
DDR
Moving Up your ass day
Pie
Wearing a little prayer shawl
Mainly 80's
Disco Dodge
Welding 20's
Hunting the Werebeast
Impersonating famous literary figures
Strip-Russian Roulette with a Nerf Gun
The Drinking Song
Senior Table
Junior Stunt
Getting Wasted and Writing a Paper that still gets you a B+

[edit] The werebeast

The werebeast is the dreaded creature lurking around the woods of Wells College. Originally thought to be simply a large dog, wolf, or rabid student, the werebeast has proven itself a mighty adversary to the students on whom it preys.

The werebeast is an intimidating creature, possessing large glowing green eyes, and a heavy breath which smells of decaying squirrels. When on all fours the size of the werebeast is approximately that of an overly large dog. When threatened the were beast will rise up on its hind legs and appear taller than Andre the Giant. It can run approximately 32 miles and hour over wooded terrain and 46 over open ground. It does not give a warning grow, preferring the terror of silent stalking. It will, however, howl once it has caught it's succulent prey - often consisting of unsuspecting freshmen or local dairy cows as the two are extremely similar in habits.

Do not attempt to take the werebeast in single combat. The known weaknesses for said werebeast are few in sort. In the select number of expeditions whom survived an encounter, the following weapons have not worked:

Pure silver bullets
UV lamps
Hand forged weapons
Shotguns
Rock salt
Katana
Golf Clubs
Water ballons
Acid Ballons
Bow & Arrow
Waffles
Raindrops on roses
Whiskers on kittens
Ninja Skillz
Kamehameha

With it's survival against all these onslaughts, it is only to be assumed that it's coat is nearly impenetrable. It could also possess regeneration powers. If cornered by the werebeast without weapons, run like hell. If cornered in possession of weapons, still run like hell. He seems to be immune to bullets... and love.

The first contact was made by Registered Badass, Marshall "I'll Kill You with my Katana" Andersssssson. He is the lead investigator into the disappearances of 27 of the original 37 men of Wells College's first co-ed freshmen class. His efforts have not been fruitless and ten members will go on to graduate, including himself, in the spring of 2009. He has sworn a blood-oath upon the soul of his not-yet-conceived first born to defeat the werebeast. He has been to face it twelve times. The only question is: "Will he survive the 13th?"

Many theories as to the identity of the werebeast have been set forth, here are a small selection of the more likely candadates:

The werebeast is the demonic roamings of Henry Wells, the zombie that took control of Wells College from its founders Judas Priest in the 1978 Zombie Battle for Human Control. Angered with the progressing of time, the werebeast seeks to once again become completely active on the human plain by the consumption of souls.

His quest is his only driving force. He long ago forgot what it was like to be human.

The college was founded in the middle of the Eastern American Time Vortex and through the gap has slipped a dangerous creature from another demension. It does not care what it eats, but is rather consumed with a burning hunger and desire for flesh. However, the power of our young yellow sun is its kryptonite and it cannot stand the daylight and even the moon is dangerous. Thus he only strikes in the cover of the woods or in the darkness of the new moon.

This world had made him hungry -- for more cowbell?

A small dog mutated into a menacing form thanks to the warping properties of the radioactive lake Cayuga has formed the werebeast. Its brain is now mutated and it cannot tell the food from the hands that used to feed, engorging itself as often as possible.

This unfortunate creature is sexually confused as well as starving for human flesh.

A male student of the class of '09 we'll call "Noren[1]," is suspected to be the werebeast. His constant brushing of teeth, erradic sleeping habits, and a tendency to bite things are the signs that he is a werecreature. However, his social awkwardness and pressing of boundaries (and lack of dating skills) proves that, without a doubt, he is an alien. However, these things do not have to be mutually excluded. The theory regarding "Noren" claims that he is a werebeast from another planet, and rather than cycling with our lunar calendar,he cycles with the moon(s) of his own planet.

A rough depiction of "Noren."

It's a beast created and released into the wild to keep the college's average GPA up. This plan is thus far not working.

Will this get students to buckle down on their studies?

Several parties outside of Wells College have shown interest in finding, fighting, or flirting with the werebeast. Sam and Dean Winchester have attempted to find the werebeast, only to be turned away by the angry slashing katana of Marshall "I'll Kill You with my Katana" Andersssssson. However, there seems to be more FBI investigation into the Winchester Brothers than the actual werebeast. However, the Wells College campus ghosts[2] have been nearly eradicated. That is, except for the madtypist of Dodge Dorm, whom asked the Winchesters to finished her thesis on the use of feminine pronouns in the French language.

Mulder and Scully briefly visited the campus, but were too busy making bang in the library to pay attention to the werebeast.

The Doctor attempted to intervene, but there were too many fangirls clamoring to be his companion to allow him to stay on campus long enough to be useful. It is a similar case with Chuck Norris, but Chuck Norris fights only what he wants. And Chuck seems to think the werebeast is doing a good job at keeping the population in check.

[edit] Miscellaneous

There are five dorms on Campus: Main Building, The Fortress of Weld, The Stank Den of Leach, Glen Park and the Elitist Who Live There, and the Sovereign Nation of Dodge.

The library is a maze in which one student has been lost for twelve years. Yet she must make it out on her own. It's a kill or be killed library, and the Phantom f the Library takes no pity. Nor does he fall in love with insipid 16 year-old girls with annoyingly high voices or limited acting talents. He does, however, remind you to return your book on time.

The cake is a lie. A delicious, delicious lie.

The English Department is run by the Three Weird Sisters and Uncle Brucey, while the Womens Studies Department is run by no one