Wellington Cable Car

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The Wellington Cable Car is a tourist attraction consisting of two cars connected in a funicular standing design, where the weight of one car is used to launch the other car up the hill. The cars are propelled by manual labour with the assistance of a motor the size of a microwave oven. An old microwave oven at that, the sort with dials, and comes with a cook book showing all the wonderful things that can be cooked, such as small animals, by harnessing the gentle power of nuclear radiation.

The Cable Car is not a tram.


Wellington, New Zealand is the capital city of the country and its main claim to fame is the resemblances it has to San Francisco. It has lots of steep hills covered with houses and regular earthquakes. The city considered the addition of structures to improve the resemblances. The construction of a large orange bridge proved to be too expensive, and the country did not have enough criminals to justify construction of a maximum security prison in the middle of the bay. A cable car seemed to be the best option due to the economic feasibility at the time.

The next stage of the construction was to determine the best location to place the new attraction. The Lambton Quay was chosen at one location due to the nearby McDonalds. The Cable Car would then be able to take advantage of the large numbers American tourists who visited the area. The upper terminal was located at Kelburne, as this allowed tourists and Happy Meal toting small children to go up and visit the Botanical Gardens.

The original Cable Car was opened in 1902 and consisted of two trams running along two rail tracks.

The ride


To make the ride more special for tourists and small children with their Happy Meals, three tunnels were added to the route. These were lovingly constructed by convict labour, with bricks handmade at the Terrace Gaol. One such worker was bricked into the wall, and to this day his ghost can be seen waiting at Clifton station for a ride home and a happy meal.

The original carriages were open to the invigorating Wellington breezes. This enabled young and old to kick against the tunnel sides, and alight from the tram before it had come to a stop. This resulted in broken limbs every couple of trips and the occasional death. No one minded this, because in those days people were not soft, pinko namby-pambys, and they enjoyed their fun.

The Cable Car is not a tram.

The Present System

In 1973, a Ministry Of Works worker was run over by the Cable Car. Since he was leaning on a shovel at the time, the Ministry declared that he was wounded in the line of duty, and began a crusade to have the Cable Car shut down.

The battle lasted for several years. Facilities at Talavera and Salamanca stations were destroyed, and the newly constructed motorway fell, leaving nothing but the pillars on which it stood. Many Bothans died.

In 1978, peace was restored, and construction began on a new Cable Car, more powerful than the first. Now fully enclosed, it is impervious to water balloons, flour bombs, fruit, and most other conventional student weapons.

Now, the majority of passengers on the Cable Car are dirty students and loud-mouthed American tourists with video cameras who, by the time they get to the Tanny Gardens realise that the cable car is really not that great and that the Wellington tourist board are obviously really struggling if they think that tourists will like it. Politicians are currently amidst discussions concerning the transformation of the current cable car into a high speed roller coaster that is launched from the top of the hill and goes upside-down fifteen times, including four loops, a cobra roll, several corkscrews, and some pretzel loops. There is also a bit where the cable car actually jumps off the tracks and lands again, and then ejects the passengers, dropping them off at various Kelburn locations.

The Cable Car is not a tram.

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